I was thinking about how much positive encouragement spurs people towards their better selves. an dit suddenly hit me - i spend so much time encouraging myself and people on this bb, but when is the last time i applied that to my h? why don't i encourage his goodness more actively?
food for thought..
we get so caught up in the negativity towards our spouses, we entirely forget to encourage their better sides
Love this Zig... not just for our spouses but for everyone in our lives. i think that is my goal..to encourage the better selves of everyone i come into contact with today, to use every interaction that way. Thank you.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
labug - when you said one has to choose NOT to be involved in the no talk situation, could you help me to see how i can do that here, please?
I know this was probably pages ago and I don't really have an answer other than we all have to figure it out on our own.
I chose to distance myself from those who continued to live under those rules. I can't change them and they will only change when that is no longer working for them. I love them and wish them well but I've chosen differently.
So when I realized that the system wasn't working for me, I changed. But it had already infected my M and I'm angry about that. I'm working on forgiving those who made the rules.
My S(19) often says, "It's our secrets that keep us sick."
From S(23) I got this: "I say what I see, I say what I feel and then I'm open."
They are the best guides a Mom could have.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
zig, i am wondering if you already have your answer..
in that, the no talk rule is out of fear and pain...
and if we can encourage each other's better selves, perhaps others can feel safe and courageous enough to talk.
but always realizing that all we can control is ourselves... that we need to accept them where they are and that we are not trying to change, just encourage..
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
i really like this idea of encouraging better behavior. it gives so much to think about in how we can approach a situation in almost any R. i was actually just thinking how this even applies to my boss at work!
not change them but encourage better behavior through our own actions, words and understanding. It really encourages us to learn about a person and interact with compassion rather than judgement.
Thank you zig for sharing so much of yourself with us again.
you help us think deeper and more honestly. You encourage our better selves!
PICNIC TIME!!!!!!
((((( )))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I was going to respond to your question about the inlaws, etc... instead, after reading the rest of your old thread, I just want to say that you did very well.
One thing to remember about living in the present. It is that the present is NOT the future.
How your H is, right now, is how your H is right now. In the same way that how YOU are, right now, is how you are... right now... and neither of you will "be" the same as you are, right now... in the future...
Eventually, the present... becomes the past... and the future... the "new present"... will simply be what it is... saying that we create our future presumes that we have control over it. We DO create our future, but we also have no control over it. It is simply an outcome of all things from the past.
Regarding the double bind, for me, the most important thing to accept is, there is no problem...
What "happens" is, the initiator of the double bind "states a problem" and then imposes the "no-talk"...
The recipient then owns the problem... and therefore becomes the keeper of the double bind... the initiator need do nothing more...
Knowing how to get out of the double bind is the first step...
Knowing how to deny a double bind is the next step...
That is... Understand that, there is no problem...
There never IS a problem... not for one person and not for oneself...
You have received a lot of great support, including that from your repair guy...
Let it go... Before it even begins... let it go...
You talked about surrender in your last thread. It's often spoken of as a "flow with" behaviour with the analogy of a tree that tries to stand up to a wind, and breaks vs the grass that simply bends to the wind and does not break, only to stand tall again when the wind ebbs...
As labug points out above... you are working through these things on your own, and THAT is the most important take away you need to remember, right now...
