I've heard of dependency issues but didn't really know what it meant. Having looked it up on a couple of sites I can see it completely describes me in every way so thank you for pointing that out.
Now I just have to find out what on earth to do about fixing that . Detaching is going to be hard, with two young children and totally financially dependent on my H and we're still in the same house.
You can detach and work on yourself and take care of your family.
Parallel paths.
You are working on yourself so you can improve yourself.
This in turn will make you a stronger person.
Which in turn will make you a stronger mother.
Which in turn has the ability of making you stronger for the relationship.
But you see its the first one that is the most important.
As all the relationships you have around you will improve.
You can detach and still enjoy conversations with your husband. You can plan family outings. You can do all those wonderful family things. But at the same time look to join some community groups with woman who are looking to work on improving themselves. Could be a church group or a community group. But make sure it is with women who have walked your steps and ones that are walking in your steps.
And take some time to have a hobby that is for yourself.
Such as running.
It is an amazing time for you. You know you have to improve yourself. So go about it with the determination and passion and skills that you have.
Overcome your doubts.
Your children will reap the benefits and you will be able to get to a point where you can engage in equal conversation about your marriage without any fear of loss. As you will know that no matter what. You are putting in the effort.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
You can detach and work on yourself and take care of your family.
Parallel paths.
You are working on yourself so you can improve yourself.
This in turn will make you a stronger person.
Which in turn will make you a stronger mother.
Which in turn has the ability of making you stronger for the relationship.
But you see its the first one that is the most important.
As all the relationships you have around you will improve.
You can detach and still enjoy conversations with your husband. You can plan family outings. You can do all those wonderful family things. But at the same time look to join some community groups with woman who are looking to work on improving themselves. Could be a church group or a community group. But make sure it is with women who have walked your steps and ones that are walking in your steps.
And take some time to have a hobby that is for yourself.
Such as running.
It is an amazing time for you. You know you have to improve yourself. So go about it with the determination and passion and skills that you have.
Overcome your doubts.
Your children will reap the benefits and you will be able to get to a point where you can engage in equal conversation about your marriage without any fear of loss. As you will know that no matter what. You are putting in the effort.
You're right it's not good for my health, I know and yet I cannot seem to do anything other than stay here in misery. I'm scared to leave in case it's the wrong decision and I'm scared to stay because I just hate how I feel every day. I still feel so raw from all this - I'm not sure that's normal after 13 months? to still feel absolute heart breaking pain every day. I feel like I love him and want to be with him but I just cannot bring myself to be "normal". I've tried acting as if and I just feel empty and angry again when I do that and I think I've been this way so long now that he isn't actually really that bothered if we break up anyway - so that leaves me feeling insecure, on top of already feeling insecure from what he's done and it is just the biggest hole and the biggest mess and I can't get out and I just despair. I just want someone to beam me up so I don't have to think about any of this anymore and feel no pain.
If you have Michele's DR book, read the chapter on infidelity. It talks about forgiveness, and it sounds like you have not forgiven your husband. The chapter also describes how forgiving does not mean forgetting. The issue shouldn't be forgotten because there are lessons to be learned from it. But you really need to forgive him for YOUR benefit, to relieve your own suffering. Your relationship cannot be rebuilt until you forgive, and if you keep going the way you are then it's eventually going to push your H out the door. Good luck!
Thank you for such a thoughtful and helpful reply.
I already do much of this though, I positively throw myself into taking care of the house and children and ensuring we do lovely things together, I have a hobby that I love and I am about to start a college course which will gain me some new friends I hope.
I think maybe I need to face the fact that it is in fact over as he has never been prepared to put in the time and effort to heal the hurts that he caused and I'm at the point where I don't see why I should bother to do so on my own any more.
Thank you for your reply. Yes, I do have Michele's book and it helped a great deal the first time round - in fact it is the only reason there was a second time round!!
I have read and re read and read again the chapter on infedility and while I understand it and can see it is the only way forward I cannot do it. I'm not even really sure why. I think perhaps you do need to feel that you have all of the facts before you can forgive and I just don't believe his version of what happened so maybe this is why I can't forgive him. He's also not dealt with any of the "aftermath" in a way that makes me feel secure so this adds to the things I need to forgive him for.
You're right, I think I've more or less pushed him out the door at this point. It is sad that that is the case but I do feel I've tried much harder than he ever did to heal it all when, in my opinion, he should have been the one healing it as he caused the whole mess. I hate how bitter he has made me, I just can't imagine feeling "in love" with him ever again at this point. How do you love someone who hurts you and makes you so angry all the time?? I know you will probably say by forgiving!!! I don't know how to do it, and even though I am going to lose everything I have I still can't do it, I don't think he is worthy of it.
Thank you for your reply. Yes, I do have Michele's book and it helped a great deal the first time round - in fact it is the only reason there was a second time round!!
I have read and re read and read again the chapter on infedility and while I understand it and can see it is the only way forward I cannot do it. I'm not even really sure why. I think perhaps you do need to feel that you have all of the facts before you can forgive and I just don't believe his version of what happened so maybe this is why I can't forgive him. He's also not dealt with any of the "aftermath" in a way that makes me feel secure so this adds to the things I need to forgive him for.
You're right, I think I've more or less pushed him out the door at this point. It is sad that that is the case but I do feel I've tried much harder than he ever did to heal it all when, in my opinion, he should have been the one healing it as he caused the whole mess. I hate how bitter he has made me, I just can't imagine feeling "in love" with him ever again at this point. How do you love someone who hurts you and makes you so angry all the time?? I know you will probably say by forgiving!!! I don't know how to do it, and even though I am going to lose everything I have I still can't do it, I don't think he is worthy of it.
If you where to consider it, is allowing the WAS to go "back and forth" OK? Don't you think that the relationship should be in a state of repair and if this is the case, wouldn't you both get tested for VD before starting back up the sexual portion of the relationship?
I wonder, IP, if you have ever though about counseling from a preacher or someone like that. Someone who can help you through the healing and forgiving. Being able to see things the way God sees them is what helped me through it all. Seeing me become a better Christian is one of the things that convicted my H in his heart. Knowing I was going to follow God, no matter what happened, no revenge affair no telling everybody he and I know, or anything like that, he saw the improvement in me, and decided he wanted me, not some cheap female. And, no, your H is not worthy of forgiveness, but we do it anyway, because God says if we do not forgive, neither will He forgive us. I had to forgive a stepfather who molested me as a child, which wasn't easy, and forgiving my H, believe it or not, was almost as hard as that.
Now, he is being what a H should be. He sometimes slips up, but not often. I have had surgery a few weeks ago, and he has been taking care of me really well, going to the Dr. appts, cooking and all that.
Even if you can't get your H to go to counseling with you, consider going alone, you really need someone to talk to like that. I am really glad to hear you are starting a college course, that's really great! I hope you enjoy it, and make lots of friends.
Oh, chatterbug, sorry I referred to you as chatterbox.
I have read and re read and read again the chapter on infedility and while I understand it and can see it is the only way forward I cannot do it. I'm not even really sure why.
I totally understand, it is not at all an easy thing to do. Even though I'm a LBS now, twice during my M my W has breached my trust in a major way in financial issues. I told her both times it was in every way a betrayal of my trust not much different than an affair would have been. I did forgive her both times, but it was a very difficult decision to come to (especially the 2nd time). But once I did, it really did help me to restore inner peace.
Originally Posted By: inpain
You're right, I think I've more or less pushed him out the door at this point. It is sad that that is the case but I do feel I've tried much harder than he ever did to heal it all when, in my opinion, he should have been the one healing it as he caused the whole mess.
I think most of us can relate to what you're saying here. We spouses on these forums are doing ALL the work to reconcile and the wayward spouses do little or nothing other than drop the bomb and head out the door. They create the crisis and then run. But that's DB and it's why we're here. To support each other during our journeys through these crises that are not of our making.
Originally Posted By: inpain
I hate how bitter he has made me, I just can't imagine feeling "in love" with him ever again at this point. How do you love someone who hurts you and makes you so angry all the time?? I know you will probably say by forgiving!!!
I think this is a bridge we all have to cross at some point, we spend so much time trying to bring our spouses back that if/when it finally happens and the crisis is over, suddenly we have to stop, take stock and decide if we really want them back after all. Some decide they don't. And that's not about forgiveness, you can forgive him and still not ever really love him again. But love truly is a choice, we can choose to love whoever we want. You just have to decide if you can choose to love him or if you need to move on. You've probably built a wall around yourself to protect yourself from the pain he has caused, and to love him you have to tear that wall down, but that will make you vulnerable again. You have to decide whether he's worth that.
. Detaching is going to be hard, with two young children and totally financially dependent on my H and we're still in the same house.
