thank you so much for all your replies. i know that i could sit and discuss with each of you what you wrote to me - your words are firmly embedded in my heart - but instead i'm going to tell the story of what happened today and maybe you will see what i saw, and know that i am really in a good place.
as my "stories usually go, it will be a little long - for me details always connect and are significant...every part of this story became an analogy, that i could connect to the events in my life
So right after I got that order almost 3 weeks ago, my serger broke - or started acting up. I was a bit perturbed because I really need it for the order. So I took it in to be serviced and repaired. A few days later, I picked it up, brought it home - it worked 2 or 3 times and then did the same thing again - the day before I was leaving for Houston. The same day, my sewing machine also started bunging up really bad, and so of course, I was a bit unnerved - I needed them both.
As soon as I got back, I took the sewing machine in to a different place. He told me it was a 2 week wait as there were 30 machines in front of mine. I said I understood, explained that I had just got my first order and if there was any way he could do it sooner I would really appreciate it. Not expecting it to be ready for at least a week.
The next morning he called and said it was ready - he'd just decided to do mine first! I was in awe!
Then I took the serger in to the other place. When I spoke to the guy on the phone he got real funny with me when I asked if I could come at the same time as the man who arrives to fix the sergers, so I could show him directly what I saw was happening. He growled at me that they weren't there to give me free lessons. So i just said ok i'll drop it off. before i went there i said to myself - zig, you don't know what's up in his world, don't get all demanding and het up - and i just relaxed.
When i went in (last friday morning) he was all smiles and told me that he'd probably have it ready on saturday and he'd give me a call, and of course I wouldn't have to pay more.
Well, tuesday came and no word, so I called, Long story about the guy who fixes the sergers hadn't come in yet because he was on vacation and then got hit by a semi in OKC and was in the hospital. what was odd was that the guy didn't call me back. then he says, leave the serger for a week and let's see if he's back. I just said very mildly - you know, if he got hit by a semi, he probably isn't going to be able to work within a week. I need to finish this work by the end of this week, so how about I just come get it and take it somewhere else.
So i took it to the shop where i had the sewing machine fixed. He had been very nice the first time, and so I explained - look i took it to dave's and this is what happened, so any chance you can fit me in?
he looked at me and said - i know i probably shouldn't be telling you this, but i know dave and he called me last week and asked if i could fix your serger. i was quite confused!! he told dave to send me over, which dave didn't.
he said - i'm fixing one machine right now - but i will look at yours and call you back in a couple of hours. which he did. turned out when i walked in, that the mistake was mine - i just wasn't feeding the fabric in correctly, and he spent about 15 mins showing me how. he also told me that this wasn't so much a mistake on my part as that the fabric was extremely challenging and most would have thought the machine was broken. he said until he figured out the settings and the way to feed it in, he was having the same problems i did.
I was happy to admit my mistakes and lack of knowledge and really appreciative that he took the time to show me, fully expecting to pay him for his time.
Then he told me what really happened. Dave didn't HAVE a guy that came in to fix sergers - he'd never had one. he'd taken my serger, blew the fluff out and drenched the whole thing with oil (which i had noticed and puzzled over as it was dripping out the bottom) and then had told me parts had been replaced and charged me $80! this guy had cleaned all the extra oil out and told me nothing had been wrong with my machine.
while we were talking i mentioned how i'd always "coveted" one of those fancy sergers - the ones where it automatically feeds the thread in and you don't have to do it manually that i simply hated. he went into detail of what the "hidden costs" were with that fancy kind that was all bells and whistles - and i was like, oh wow, here i was wanting something that i didn't even know what it was truly about. (get the analogy ?) and immediately lost my desire for it!
I said to this guy, and I really wasn't upset, quite calm about the whole thing - maybe i should call Dave and ask for at least some of my money back.
And this is what the guy said to me - and as I stood there and listened, I was almost ready to be scared -
"Here's what you need to do, zig. go home and let it go. just drop it from your mind. you need to tell yourself that this [censored] just happens and just cut your losses and move on. don't call dave or talk to him about it. I know dave, and he's going to hear from me about this. You just go home and make your baby things and be happy I showed you how to work it"
then he absolutely refused to take a dollar from me. i didn't want to just leave, so i asked him if he had any grandchildren. he perked up and said yes an 8 month old and a 3 yr old. i said well can i make something for them? and he was really happy.
and as i drove home i got a little scared and cried - i think it was just having been given such a strong strong message by the universe - cried a bit for accepting it and not resisting it any longer - scared because i knew that i would have to be really really brave.
then i read all your messages and you were all standing up for me so much - just like this guy, and all telling me to be happy anyway in myself - just like this guy.
and so dear sweet friends - i AM happy where I am - and mostly because between the good things going on in my world and the not so good things - both are teaching me so much.
suddenly i start to hear pema's message about the good things and the bad things being equal. from the "bad" that happened yesterday - so much good is already coming out of it - i learned so much about myself and h, and in the middle of all of this, mil called and gave me some beautiful advice on how to take care of myself in this kind of situation, and here i am feeling so well prepared for whatever comes my way.
my horoscope for this week said, you are feeling stuck, but just trust that the universe will give you the signs when it's time to move forward..
I think it did today, don't you?
love you all (((((((((((((((((((((((to all my beautiful friends here))))))))))))))))))))))))))
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
stubborn - can you believe this - i don't need the duct tape.
as i was driving home today - i reached the place of understanding - i don't need to say anything i don't need to be right i can just BE
i suddenly saw how when i got rid of the fear of feeling invisible because of what h does or doesn't do, i didn't need to stand there and be heard.
I can hear myself, I can see my changes, I can see what I still have to change for myself and I am suddenly okay with that. everything else has suddenly become irrelevant.
all the kicking and screaming and shouting i've done all my life was to feel that i was more visible. now when i really am, TO MYSELF, i don't need those avenues any more
I may not need the duct tape but the Pia tapes sound like i could learn alot - what's the title, did u get them on amazon?
how are you stubborn? have to come over to see if you posted.
(((((((((((( )))))))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
thanks for sharing your experience with us. I am very happy to see that you are in a good place.
I am also curious, though - what advice did your mil gave you? (if you don't mind sharing it, of course.
(((zig)))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Don't cry sweet grace (((((((( )))))))))- things will get better and better, and even though we are always striving to be in a more happier place, it's only by truly being okay with where we are that we can take the next step.
You're stepping all the time - forward.
and just like all of you can see my steps when i can't feel them at all, we can see yours
let it go and embrace the beauty that comes our way..
you just stated the crux of the law of attraction. the key is ( and it is the same message in DB'ing) to be happy anyway, no matter what is going on. to always look for and strive for the best place in one's thoughts and feelings and let the rest work itself out. if in the moment the best place is full of pain and sadness, to even embrace that and say to oneself - it's ok, this is where i am and things are getting better even though i don't always SEE that they are, i can trust that they are
so i think that the Turtle Trust, needs to be with us tonight and for a long time. let's go meet her shall we?
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I forgot to look at my horoscope this morning - i just read it and I love it!
For all the sadges out there...
Your chart energy today reminds me of learning a new and challenging song on the guitar... The kind that requires you to play it over & over very slowly before letting yourself bring it up to full tempo... But all those repetitions, give you "finger memory" where you don't even have to think about where your fingers need to be... They go there automatically... Ok, bad example perhaps... But you have reached the point where you know know what has to be done without even thinking about it. It's time to play!!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
my mil called to ask how i was. we hadn't spoken in a week. then she asked about s - she said h and s got home yesterday and s walked in and looked incredibly sad and just lay down on the couch.
I told her what happened here at the house. and she told me that that was the exact dynamic that she and fil have struggled with. they went to lots of therapy together and she said that she still struggles with the "no talk" rule that fil always invokes.
her words were - "he feels very challenged when i give my opinion. what i learned during therapy was to detach from his reaction. to accept that it was alright that his reaction was anger, and to not see it as a reflection of myself or where i was at. that he had the right to his reaction just as i did."
i have read somewhere that one attracts the person who actually provides the most challenge within yourself in the area that you have to grow and unburden yourself from. when both are self-aware or willing to learn, then the relationship is successful and is continually growing and maturing because each challenge that comes up is taken by both as an opportunity to grow and learn.
the relationship is deeply troubled and in turmoil when this is not continually happening because one or both are using those same challenges as opportunities to defend themselves and put the blame on the other.
mil said that even though she knows this, she is continually challenged by the situation.
i feel as if i haven't described fully what she said. there was so much running through my head all at once, and i think i will ask mil to have the conversation again so i am sure that i didn't miss something
(((( )))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
s's teacher called this afternoon and while we were talking, he told me that the last few days s is welling up and trying not to cry very frequently during the day.
my mama heart wanted to fix things right away. but we talked a while and i said to him - if i keep stepping in and trying to make s feel better, he can't learn to stand up for himself and say what he feels. i have to accept that he will experience some pain during all of this but i have to trust that if i let things be, he will be able to express himself more openly.
i told him that even though it hurts to hear that s is so sad, i also feel joy, because that means he is opening up and is able to let out some of what he feels.
we talked also about other issues - and he said something interesting that i of course zig-style jumped on right away
Each person only knows their own truth
later while i was knitting, this thought came to me:
Each person only has their own truth that they see and feel. When you recognize what the other persons' truth is, what will you do then? Apologize, or continue to say you were right?
it was such an eye opener for me - to apologize to someone not because you know you should, but to apologize because you have seen it from their eyes - that's the diamond in loving the people around you, in nurturing your relationships with those you love and even those you barely know. to see their truth is to see them and to know them. and when you speak to them from seeing their truth, then they really feel that you are speaking to the core of them, not just to the surface,
then we talked about h - teacher bought up himself that he felt that s was sad because of something with h's house - that he felt that s did not feel safe int he current situation. i was frank with him and said that h is in a place where any indication whatsoever that s maybe affected by the current sitch/ living arrangements, is met with a lot of anger and denial. (he had asked me if i could discuss this with h)
so we talked about that for a bit, and he himself suggested that instead of coming to me with stuff about s he should talk to h. i agreed and said that all i would suggest is that you say only the bare facts and do not "connect" them to anything in the situation. he had proposed that he brings up h's house. i also said, please do not have any expectations from h, but be prepared that h may feel very defensive when you tell him s is sad.
i said h is a wonderful father and he's not a bad person, but right now he doesn't seem to be able to deal with s being affected by this
and as i write this - oh my gosh, i am all shaky and i suddenly see where h has invoked the "no talk" rule here. we are not allowed, any of us to talk about s being affected in any way. we are not allowed to acknowledge that s could need help or support and subsequently s is suffering silently
h has gotten SOOOO angry at me or his mom or dad, whenever any of us have tried. and i suddenly see how he held me in that position.
so bug - how do i get out of this one and be able to talk about it?
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
no talk rule. My H follows the same idea in his family. Which is why he kept all his problems inside and went bezerk!
Sweety you are so fortunate to have such an insightful MIL! I'm soo jealous. My MIL is great too but very very different about relationship advice. Her thing is, lie to avoid hurting the person, don't show any negative feelings or express them, try to take care of everyone before yourself (*now you know why H spiraled into oblivion!)
Have a good night hun and get lot's of rest ;-) Oh n eat 2 cookies and call me in the morning! LOL!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
thanks vero, I am lucky - mil is truly a beautiful woman. she's got her own messes to deal with, but at least she is constantly self-aware and working on herself.
she paid me a beautiful compliment a few weeks ago. she told me that my changes had inspired her incredibly and had transformed the way she looked at her life
yesterday when i told her my reaction to finding out about the serger guy - her first reaction was to tell me how wonderful it was, because the old zig would have been furious
so even though we have our moments, in my real life right now she has been the most encouraging person to me. her constant acknowledgement of my growth, has given me a lot of incentive to keep going - just as the people here have done the same for me.
this morning just as i was waking (must have been the 2 cookies ) this thought came into my head. I was thinking about how much positive encouragement spurs people towards their better selves. an dit suddenly hit me - i spend so much time encouraging myself and people on this bb, but when is the last time i applied that to my h? why don't i encourage his goodness more actively?
food for thought..
we get so caught up in the negativity towards our spouses, we entirely forget to encourage their better sides
hope you have a lovely day vero
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
and maybe you will see what i saw, and know that i am really in a good place.
?) and immediately lost my desire for it!
) this thought came into my head. I was thinking about how much positive encouragement spurs people towards their better selves. an dit suddenly hit me - i spend so much time encouraging myself and people on this bb, but when is the last time i applied that to my h? why don't i encourage his goodness more actively?