Priest also suggested I be honest and ask him. He also told me to ask H to come and talk to him. I may ask H to do that first. I really can't live with H if he insists on seeing ow. Mentally, I can't handle it.
WEll, sometimes the MLCer can't wake up until they have to actually deal with the reality of the situation they have caused. So long as he gets to have his family and home life AND the thrill of the affair, it's all fun. Once he has to face the reality of his kids' disappointment in him, shame in the community, financial realities of two households, has to do his own laundry - SOME, not all, but SOME affairs lose their luster pretty quickly.
Still, it's a drastic step - only you can know when you're ready for the Last Resort. Maybe re-read that chapter?
Standing is when you decide to stand for your marriage, and try and ride out the MLC by working on yourself, i.e. getting a life (GAL). Last Resort Technique (LRT), if you're not sure, is basically kicking him out, and going dark. Difficult when you have kids, so one can go gray-ish.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Rachael. It's such a horrible place to be. In the beginning, I was sure I would have a heart attack. Praying is a good thing to do, and I used to read the scriptures every night. And, it helps to be grateful for the things you do have, for example, the love of your children. Just tell yourself that everything will work out in the way it's supposed to. God will not let you down ... just be patient.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Rachael, You can ask your h about meeting with the priest, but don't be surprised if he says no. He doesn't think that he's doing anything wrong..."he's working on the marriage"...remember?
If you opt to go w/the Last Resort, are you ready to deal w/the fallout? I haven't seen many mlcers who don't turn cruel and nasty once the spouse puts their foot down. It's very difficult to do when you have children. On the other hand, standing, but going on w/your own life and leaving him in the wind is the other option.
Rachael, if you aren't sure what to do, do nothing. Put your faith in God and allow God to help you make the decision.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Dear Snodderly, Thanks I asked my h to see the priest. Said maybe then came up with some excuses but then he said he'd think about it. Last night H was anxiety ridden he said due to his eyes getting blurry and he's worried. Wanted to go for a walk and talk and then at night in bed just wanted to hug me and same this morning wanted to hug me. I think some of this may be guilt and for sure anxiety. Always worried about his health.
When I get depressed I remind myself that it's good for him to suffer some guilt. I hope it's eating him up. I pray that what is hidden will be revealed. That he will confess what he is doing.
My children are all adults. 3 live at home. The youngest is 18. My girls know about the affair but don't know I suspect him again. My 2 sons know nothing. My youngest might be upset if his dad left but would probably be pretty angry because his dad can be hard on him and H would be shown as a hypocrite and a liar.
I feel that if I confront him, he will only lie to me unless I have evidence to expose him but I don't. Then he'll just get mad. That's what happened when I caught him on google earth looking at her street and bald face lying that he still didn't know where she lived! Then had the nerve to get mad at me. But insisted there was nothing going on.
I posted this over on hrm's thread regarding the A:
Quote:
Things I said to myself:
"It isn't REAL love"
"It's just a symptom of how lost she is"
"It's just SHALLOW, teenager brain infatuation, not deep, mature love"
"This too will pass, OM will show his true self and it will end" (and they did, btw)
Stay steady, be the last one standing, true to yourself...whichever way things go...you will know you did all you could, which will be very valuable at the end of the day for inner peace, regardless of any outcomes.
I know the A, the lying, etc. is devastating and infuriating, I do...but here is maybe your challenge, opportunity for growth...it is NOT right, but it IS...
I wish we could change it, erase it, but we can't. Be the best you, grow you, for you...leave the rest to God, he knows what we do not.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
thanks t I know this is good advice from you and the others. I am a little better today. was a mess yesterday. It is important for me to know I did my best. This has tested me greatly. It's not been as long as many here but what a trial! People here understand since so many are dealing with or have dealt with it. gotta meeting with my c tomorrow see what he says.
went to my counselor today. He said sounds like my h is giving me just enough attention so I won't leave but not enough for me to feel secure. Also that maybe I came off as a mother figure sometimes. Gotta back off. But he too treats me like I am his child many times the way he treats me and speaks to me. Said I have to do more for myself. (i have to kick myself in the ass as I am depressed). Next week is auditions for a community theatre play so I am going to audition.
Gotta question here. In december my husbands work has a big christmas party. That's where he introduced me to OW last year. I don't want us to go. IF he suggests it should I say so? What if he wants to go himself? DB coach thinks I should go and hold my head up high cuz I'm the wife.
One more question. Since H is still living at home and I am going to try and distance myself to protect myself. How do I interact? I am going to stay out late tonight so as not to be so available. One of my fears is that he will say to me is "well now you are not around so much and not working on the marriage" of course being around all the time like I have isn't helping either and he is hardly ever home except at night. So should I try to be in another room frequently? Should I just start by being out a couple nights a week? I know I need to be polite and show no emotion. Any advice?
I would go along with what the DB coach says as far as the party.
Not being so available? I think you are on the right track, be gone one maybe two nights or so a week.
Otherwise you could just be doing your own thing (reading, playing games, whatever) in another room, telling H " I'll be in the other room reading if you need anything" or such. That way, you are "away", but still available, but H will have to go to you, so you aren't pressuring him or anything. Also, if H does come around, fully stop whatever you are doing and give full attention (lol, kinda like raising kids, eh?). That's basically what I had to do because of kids needing me and also low budget...Sandi's 37 rules has some other things which work for how to act around them without being totally "gone" or "there".
The act of going "dim" is a fine art, you'll get the hang of it, just be prepared to adjust the dimmer switch frequently depending on the situation.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
