IH Separation-continuing to grow as we grow apart

[chatterbug]

Darn edit.... Bond did not rush... Nor did I. Some times I think Bond is a yo-yo..... But I respect his words. He speaks to you from the heart. I am sure he has a few good words about me. I hope he has respect for me as well.

Ladybug and I did not end up getting back together. But we left with no hate. Just a shared time together. I loved her deeply. She hurt me deeply. I forgave. But I will never ever forget. Scares run deep. Very deep. But scares can be overcome. Tough thread Bill. You remind me of me. You will gain a ton of wisdom here. I see you making this more than the affair and possible D.

I see you making this about your life. Growing up and finally becoming the man you want to be.

Parallel paths

[breakdownbill]

Hi Denver
Thanks for the input

I lived my own life, SEPARATE, from my W.

I'm doing this to an extent but it's hard because we still live together.

But there was no way in hell that I was going to hang out with her or provide her what a H provides a W while she was spending time with OM.

Did this include time spent with your SS? Did you do everything on your own with him? I'm just asking because this is the only time we spend together outside of the house.

YOU CAN wait this out while also enforcing a boundary that you will NOT be a part of an open M.

I feel like this is what I am doing, but I need to take Bond's advice about enforcing boundaries,

I know how difficult this is. I just lived it.

You went through a lot Denver in your sitch and I get why you stuck it out so long to get to the point you are at right now.

A big part of me feels that I owe it to myself to try & hang in there as long as possible. By that I just mean leaving the door open to a R if my W will commit to working on the M.

I don't justify the affair because of our joint failings in the M, I just see it as another barrier to overcome.

I am working hard on myself physically & emotionally to be a better me, a better dad and a better man.

There will come a point if this affair / contact continues when I won't be able to leave the door open and I'll need to move on.

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Chatter

I was a little restless last night thinking about my sitch & looking for different ways and approaches for dealing with the affair, whilst using DB to work on me.

I went back through my threads & re-read what I actually did when I got the bomb(s) and I couldn't expose the affair then because of the damage it would do to the reputation of my W and my kids mother and how it would be another obstacle to overcome if we did get to R and piecing.

I think the only person who may make a difference if I exposed the affair to would be my MIL. We get on pretty good and 4 years ago her husband FIL cheated on her and me and my W helped her get through that & he ended the affair because of death threats from her family. He moved out for a week & then came back, they don't have the best R, but they are still together. She is a big believer in M, meaning death to us part & I know she would do everything she could to support us staying together as a family and pressure my W to end her affair / contact.

I'm not sure if I should do it, because I think after reading your reply and my own thread, it may do more damage than good for my sitch, this could horribly backfire & speed everything up.

I have decided to keep on pushing through with my own personal goals:

1.better PMA - feel good, act positive - be positive.

2.improve my fitness & appearance. lose some more weight & tone up, get a new wardrobe ($ permitting)

3. improve my listening & validating skills. (using a summarising sentence to respond and not tring to fix everything)

4. Be more patient with my kids when they are demanding - try to spend some more 1 on 1 time with them.

5. Put everything into my teaching course - pass it, get the career, get that job satisfaction & financial independence again.

6. Stop to enjoy the moment once in a while, appreciate something each day.

7. Be more decisive and assertive when communicating with my W, stand my ground, have faith in my convictions. - I will try this out with making my own plans for the kids next weekend - taking them to a movie & then round to my parents for dinner. I will tell my W what I am doing with my kids without checking if she had plans or seeking her approval.

I feel so much better for just putting out there some of the things that have been cycling around my head lately. I've got some clear goals to follow that will help me on my DB path for me & my own personal growth.

I have to start preparing a plan D (having paperwork ready, separate finance), but that will be on my timeline unless something changes.

We have always had a joint account for all our standing orders, salary coming in, that would be something I'd need to weigh up how to go about right now in this moment.

I mean it could spook my W and oil up the gears on her plan D, which is definitely not what I want, I need to be the one who files if it comes to it, otherwise it'll just be a process to end everything and not an action that demands a reaction.

Bill

[Arsene]

I mean it could spook my W and oil up the gears on her plan D, which is definitely not what I want, I need to be the one who files if it comes to it, otherwise it'll just be a process to end everything and not an action that demands a reaction.

Bill

Sorry Bill, I'm not sure that using D to get a reaction is the right thing to do. It sounds like a tactic to me. I guess it might backfire and you might not get the reaction you expect. I think you should file for D when you are done. You might get a reaction but if you do, it'll be up to you what you do with it. You might not even be interested anymore when/if it comes.

When Denver filed, he'd had enough and was starting to look forward to life without W. W did come back within a month I think but that is not why he filed. JMO

[breakdownbill]

Hey Arsene

I see where you are coming from and my wording does make it sound like a tactic.

If I filed I would genuinely be done, and I would like to edit that sentence.

Filing for me would show my wife that I was done and she would need to deal with that action.

If it gets that far, it won't matter if there is or isn't a reaction - I would be moving on with my life one way or the other.

Thanks for pulling me up on that Arsene

Bill

[chatterbug]

Bill you always need tactics for a plan.... Else your having tea.


Filing shows your wife that your are done. Done with being an option.


It shows that you understand your vows. Its a hard thought.

So 10 months in.... Do you think you need to say it again. Or do you think that you need to just work through your thoughts and act upon your decisions?

There is really nothing to confuse. Wife cheating + 10 months = file...

Nothing to explain. If she asks that is what you say! So instead of talking about it. Just work and go to school and then one day you are confident enough and you go and file.

How often besides once do you need to explain the dis-respect?

[chatterbug]

And since you have said you have read the laws in England You know about the pauses... You can move it and pause.

[Arsene]

Hey CB, it looks like we're always on different sides or things. While I understand what you are saying, it just doesn't sound like DB to me. It's more of the Dobson approach, which I'm sure works in many cases but "tough love" can easily blow up in your face and you have to be ready to accept that as a possibility.

Although I'm not totally eliminating it as an option, I think that people all have a different breaking point, when they know they put in everything they've got and they are ready to "drop the rope". It's always a personal choice and no one should be made to feel like they are a doormat for sticking with the techniques prescribed by MWD.

Still, it's always good to hear that there are different options available. Thanks.

[Denver_2010]

I mean it could spook my W and oil up the gears on her plan D, which is definitely not what I want, I need to be the one who files if it comes to it, otherwise it'll just be a process to end everything and not an action that demands a reaction.

Bill

Sorry Bill, I'm not sure that using D to get a reaction is the right thing to do. It sounds like a tactic to me. I guess it might backfire and you might not get the reaction you expect. I think you should file for D when you are done. You might get a reaction but if you do, it'll be up to you what you do with it. You might not even be interested anymore when/if it comes.

When Denver filed, he'd had enough and was starting to look forward to life without W. W did come back within a month I think but that is not why he filed. JMO

That ^^^ is correct. Bill, you can be done with be disrespected, even be done with your M completely, and not file.

In fact, I never actually filed for D. I was done. True. I completed the paperwork and had it notarized. True. It was ready to file. True. But I did not file. When my W told me that she believed that filing was the right thing to do (a couple of weeks after me telling her that I was ready to file), I sat on it all. The reason that I did was simply because I was actually enjoying my summer and didn't want to start that process and potentially ruin the rest of it. I was going to wait a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months, and then go ahead and do it. It was during that period that W came back.

But see, she knew that I was serious. That I truly had reached the point of being done. Even though I had not actually filed the paperwork.

It was more what was going on in my head, in my heart, that showed. What caused her to know. What caused me to know that I was going to be okay. And what caused me to finally feel that I was okay with either outcome.

It can't be a tactic. You tell someone that you are going to file for a D, you better be prepared to be divorced.

You can take a tougher approach, you can set boundaries, without filing for a divorce.

Even the end requires patience and cannot be done in haste.

[Denver_2010]

And darn it Chatter, I have your story pulled up and ready to read, but I didn't get to it this weekend.

I know that you and I aren't quite on the same page with what Bill should do, but I hope that you know that I respect your opinion.

Ultimately, Bill will do what he decides is best for him anyway.

Sorry to talk about you as if this isn't your thread Bill.

Weird how chatter and I never crossed paths during my situation. Anyway... off to bed.

Denver