Hoping it's not too late

[MrBond]

but it was never something I wanted or asked for.

So you expected him to constantly be rejected and be fine with it?

How much C have you had for yourself?

[MandyRwaw]

Never wanted D - always said I needed a break. I didn't like the person I was becoming - very bitchy and resentful. I thought separating was the only way to break the cycle. Thought it would make us both better. But I hated the idea of anything that made it "final".

I didn't want him to feel rejected. In fact, I said things to *try* to make it easier for him. I would rather deal with him angry than sad. He did come to accept that it was me and REALLY not him.

I would have lived quite happily for 6-12 mos with no SA or significant changes other than our living arrangements. My lawyer was the one who advised to get everything in writing ASAP because of the house. The SA also allowed us to separate our credit cards - he had his own, but 'mine' was joint. (Never liked the idea that he could see what I bought)

As for me, I have been doing a lot of web C, as well as in person every 3 weeks. I've also been doing a lot of reading. I realize that I was projecting my fear, anxieties and depression on him. I need to forgive myself first, then he can (maybe) forgive me. Lots of work still to do, but I'm doing it!

[Just A Guy]

I feel ya on the "lots of work to do" part Mandy! I am right there with you but I am a fighter with the most motivating cause in the world.

It seems to me that you and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum in the same sitch. With the exception being that yours is a little further progressed down the line of separation than mine. I will tell you right now that as the male in my sitch if my W was doing what you are physically with me and saying what you are saying at the same time, I would be loving it but I would also be thinking to myself "is this her reaction to me having an OW or are these sincere feelings".

On the one hand you are fooling around on a regular basis with him "no strings attached".

On the other hand you are telling him where you are and how you want the M to work.

I know it's "so much fun" and I know the sex keeps him coming back but I will tell you that if it was me I would be very reserved if I was him. I can see fooling around and feeling in sync like the days of old, I would then go into the mode of NON sexual intimacy to work on the true underlying issues of the M. The sex can be a great distraction from those especially when the sex is great again. I was there after the first bomb.

My point is have you asked him if he feels like the connection between the two of you is growing again or not? I don't know many men who will turn down sex when presented the opportunity so I would just make sure that you are heading in the right direction with him before getting too caught up in the feel good and not working on the things that brought you here.

Just my .02 but I could be way off base.

[MandyRwaw]

Thanks "Guy", I think you're right on the mark.

I finally asked him if we could try to spend some time together "outside" the bedroom and he says he's not ready yet. He says he feels weird about it - on one hand, he's still married and on the other, still in a new relationship.

I explained what I see from my POV: if his relationship is on a "pause", then he is free to do 'whatever' it takes to figure out what he wants. If that's an easy 'date' or s_x or just a drive around the countryside to talk - what's the difference??

My gut tells me he is afraid to feel more and I told him as much. He's still not sure if he can trust me, I tell him that it will take time. He's still undecided, but talks about what people would think/say if we were to reconcile.

He talks about what life would be like together - both good and bad scenarios. When he thinks about what it would do to OW, he gets upset and blames himself for moving on too quickly. (He had planned to take the summer "off" and only start dating, like now.)

As I left yesterday morning, we said we were going to take a few days break, but then he sends me an email last night to see if I wanted to come over...I had other plans, so he wrote back it was probably for the best...

I figure either way, s_x or not, I will get hurt if he decides that I'm too much of a risk to try again. So I will enjoy the time we have together and if nothing else, I will give him memories to last a lifetime.

[Just A Guy]

Pull back even further Mandy. I think you will see some more results.. The comment he made saying "probably for the best" is just a snyd way of saying "whatever" in my opinion. He is still attracted to you, he still wants to spend time with you so he is stil interested. Just show him how much he wants it by pulling back more..

Check my thread out when you get a sec, got a ? On there I'd like to see what you think.

[MandyRwaw]

Not sure I'll have the chance.

H just sent long email that basically says not interested right now. He's just not sure that he can trust me and he's still angry.

I have an argument for every point he makes, but it doesn't matter if he's not ready to hear it...

[pulpwood]

"I have an argument for every point he makes, but it doesn't matter if he's not ready to hear it..."

We can't argue with how another person feels. This is HIS choice. Right now you have to respect that. Doesn't mean he can't change his mind at a later time.

He couldn't argue you out of leaving in the begining of this sitch could he? This tactic NEVER works.

"Not sure I'll have the chance."

Sure you do. Right here and now. Continue to be nice, but follow the 37 rules. Keep working on yourself. You control YOU. All is not lost.

[MrBond]

You know you're setting yourself up for failure right? You haven't learned anything from this. You are still making this about YOUR needs and not his. Back off before you lose him for good. Stop being so selfish.

[MandyRwaw]

If he wasn't a bit curious about us, he could've said "too late, I've moved on". And yes, I'm aware he could still say that - but he hasn't yet...


His IC said that if my feelings were real, they would still be the same in 6 months. If that's what it will take for him to believe me, I'll be waiting...

I will be patient. Will keep going to C and will be the best me - for me.

[MrBond]

You're still coming up with excuses for YOU. This is about HIS NEEDS right now NOT YOURS. See what happened when you kept pushing and pressuring him? A couple of days isn't what I think of "giving him space".