IH Separation-continuing to grow as we grow apart

[breakdownbill]

At the time I didn't want to press on with that conversation, she was clearly uncomfortable & I didn't think pressuring her would be the answer.

You are very quick to recognise that my W doesn't respect any boundaries, because there is not much I can do to enforce them right now.

I can tell you this though Bond, I'm not getting sucked into this anymore, discussing my R with my W will not do anything but speed up a process I am not ready for on a few levels.

I know what I have chosen to do, doesn't sit right with you, but I'm not you I'm me. I know what my priorities are and I also get what you are saying about sacraficing my self worth, I'm ensuring my future and my kids future by getting through this year & becoming a teacher. When that's done I will have my independence, my self respect and the means to back up any separation or D, which until I have attained, a R talk will not serve any purpose.

Once I have acheived this, I will be ready to move on with my life, without any fear and it will be a clear choice to make.

Right now isn't about my W, it's about me, my future and my kids. She has made her choice by continuing to see him and I have made mine.

If you don't want to support my actions, choices and plan that's fine, but right now I don't want to go down the road that you are suggesting.

[breakdownbill]

Hi Cutter

Thanks for chipping in here.

I do not think that you can handle being away from your children , schooling and Divorce all at the same time.

I know I can't handle this all at the same time. After I got the bomb(s) I couldn't function for 2 months in the last year of my degree. I had to suck it up, get through it all & put a brave face for my kids & I still got a 1st class honours degree.

I would not choose to go through a D or separation whilst I am in the position I am in & the amount of work this course will demand.

I like the way you talk about being in limbo, it makes sense to me, because I am not pursuing my W, if anything I have let her go now because of her choices.

I see how I want my future to be, if my W doesn't want to commit to R after I get through this year, then I'll accept it & move on with my life.

No more limbo, just progress.

[chatterbug]

Mr Bill.

4.5 miles. 30 minutes pool exercise and 15 minutes in the hot tub.

I do think when you have enough PMA under your belt that you should put the paperwork in place for the parallel path.

Not to be talked about. Just actions.

So this weekend I am going to do 9 miles. Go on a date with my lady. And hopefully have a few pints saturday night with a mate.

Catch some 2014 matches and get in some needed rest. Work on the website.

What are your plans.

[MrBond]

There seems to be a disconnect in terms of what you think I'm recommending.

"When that's done I will have my independence, my self respect and the means to back up any separation or D, which until I have attained, a R talk will not serve any purpose."

I didn't say that you needed to have an R talk. What I've been trying to tell you is that you don't need a job to get your self-respect back. For some reason you wrap everything around a job when in fact it's within you.

Your biggest problem is fear. No job will prepare you for the emotional turmoil which is coming up. That's what you need to not be afraid of.

Once I have acheived this, I will be ready to move on with my life, without any fear and it will be a clear choice to make.

[Denver_2010]

There seems to be a disconnect in terms of what you think I'm recommending.

"When that's done I will have my independence, my self respect and the means to back up any separation or D, which until I have attained, a R talk will not serve any purpose."

I didn't say that you needed to have an R talk. What I've been trying to tell you is that you don't need a job to get your self-respect back. For some reason you wrap everything around a job when in fact it's within you.

Your biggest problem is fear. No job will prepare you for the emotional turmoil which is coming up. That's what you need to not be afraid of.

Once I have acheived this, I will be ready to move on with my life, without any fear and it will be a clear choice to make.

^^^^ yup

[Arsene]

Hi Denver and Bond,

Sorry but you know I have a lot of respect for both of you an your opinion, but I'll have to disagree with you guys on this.

Maybe I'm getting this wrong but I think Bill is worried about the financial aspect of things right now. Also, he doesn't think he's capable of going through this year of his studies while coping with divorce, the loss of his kids and the financial burden of moving out. Frankly, I don't blame him. He's doing everything he can to avoid this and this includes not making any waves.

We're told all the time to focus on ourselves. He is doing just that. He's not pursuing, he's not having R talks, he's not being clingy and he's trying to focus on his studies. I'm sure what's going on with his W might affect his self-worth, but no matter what one does, when an A (EA or PA) occurs, it is bound to affect your self-worth. He's actually doing what I wish i could do. Not wasting time and energy thinking about he OM.

Is what he's doing having a negative impact on his sitch? Maybe, I'm not sure but we've been told over and over again to try something and be patient until we see results, and then adapt. I think Bill feels comfortable with what he's doing now and he doesn't seem to be suffering from it so he's got the detachment to handle his sitch. IMO, that's good. In a month (or 90 days) he can always re-assess where he's at and how he feels about it, still no harm done, right?

Sorry, I know I'm a rookie at this but I'm reading this guys thread thinking he's doing ok. If he's not, I'm not sure I understand why and I would like to know (as he would I'm sure).

Thanks guy,


*sorry for referring to you in the third person on your own thread mate!!

[breakdownbill]

There seems to be a disconnect in terms of what you think I'm recommending.

What are you recommending? Boundaries that I can't enforce with any meaningful consequences right now?

I didn't say that you needed to have an R talk. What I've been trying to tell you is that you don't need a job to get your self-respect back. For some reason you wrap everything around a job when in fact it's within you.

This would lead to an R talk. It's not all about self-respect, yes mine has been damaged, but I take heart with the fact that I'm on a road to recover this, the job is more than a job to me. It's not just a job, it will be an accomplishment I never thought possible 10 years ago. What it represents to me is a timeline, a big piece to my own jigsaw puzzle.

I can't commit to working on my M or a separation 100% whilst I am doing this. A bit like when you get that message on an airplane saftey demo - you put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.

I'm still fixing myself, whilst she is in contact with the OM, there is nothing I can do to fix my M as a R.

Your biggest problem is fear. No job will prepare you for the emotional turmoil which is coming up. That's what you need to not be afraid of.

I agree with this to a certain extent, but let me put it to you in other words.

If you were going to a climb a mountain would you just do it without any preparation, research or training?

I'd want the best equipment for the climb, want to know the quickest and safest routes and most importantly I'd want to be physically strong enough to make it to the top.

I'm not climbing a mountain, but the principles are still the same.

I really appreciate your input Mr Bond, but this where I am at and this is where I am coming from.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Great stuff Chatter

I'll bet after your run & pool exercise that hot tub felt great

I've just done 2 5K runs this week & I'm going to do another 10K on Sunday.

Sounds like you've got a fun weekend lined up, mine's a bit more low key.

I was gonna watch the England V Moldova game tonight, go out with the kids on Saturday & maybe catch an early kids movie with them on Sunday.

I'm pretty busy with some UNI work right now so I'm taking it a bit easy.

Yeah I've looked into how to file over here & the forms already. I can have them ready without paying any legal fees, that all happens once you file the petition for D. So yeah theoretically I could have all the paperwork ready & get it checked over by a solicitor (lawyer). Then I've got it waiting if I need it.

This is not really high on my to-do-list though right now.

Been in to my kids school where I'm going to be doing some class observations next week for my course, had fun catching up with some of the teachers who I volunteered with last year, so I'm in a good mood & gonna get stuck into to some work today.

Have a great weekend

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Hi Arsene

LOL don't worry about referring to me in the 3rd person, that bit made me laugh when I read it.

Thanks for the support, I think it's all a matter of interpretation really. I know Mr Bond & Denver are just trying to help me and give me advice.

It's not always black and white though, there isn't a one size fits all approach to life & DB itself is open to interpretation.

Hey but thanks for sticking up for me Arsene, differences of opinion on here are the norm and that's what's good about this forum. People will call you out on stuff & it's all good because it all helps.

Hope you have a great weekend chief

Bill

[MrBond]

Arsene,

Of course you disagree with my and Denver's advice because YOU are doing the EXACT same thing as Bill. Both of you are walking on eggshells around your Ws while they run around with OM.

What I was trying to get across to you was that you are letting the immigration issue run your life so you're existing in fear. If that reality were to happy, in the end you end up with nothing. Same as Bill and his job. The fact is that you feel like you need to be on better footing before you do anything. And what I've been trying to tell you both is that you already are on better footing. That comes from within.

In my sitch, my W's boss (her EA) came to my working place to get me fired and even tried to have me arrested for some bogus charge. At that point it didn't matter how much money I had, what my standing was with the company, etc. Here was a guy threatening me and my family. I knew my W was deep in her EA with this guy but once he threatened my family, NOTHING else mattered. I looked him square in the eye and told him that while I loved my job, my family took priority and so he could do whatever he wanted and to do his best. I didn't know if he actually had anything he could do and in fact he really did know my boss, so losing my job was a reality. But none of that mattered. As a man you find out what's the most important and say what you will or will not tolerate.

And for me, I was not about to tolerate this @$$hole any longer. After that he actually looked scared for a change and I never heard from him since.

The power to change you sitch, right now, is within you. There will never be the "right" time for things to be perfect. You find the strength within right now to be the change you want to see.