Stronger

[mishka422]

WOW. I wasn't even thinking that my past trauma was a contributing factor in my reactions to Gabe. Could that be true? ICK! I hardly ever consciously think of the rape. That was something I locked away a long time ago, or so I thought. Maybe not as well as I thought I had.

Things with Gabe are ok. No, I'm not completely happy but I'm not completely miserable either. Being in the middle is ok for now. I get really down sometimes and let it fly here so I don't explode but I don't think it's really that bad.

No, we don't talk about our R. We talk about everything else. We laugh together, he holds me, hugs me for no reason, and takes care of us. I really can't ask for anything more than that.

Saturday morning I did nearly blow everything though. We were going to breakfast together. Just us, a rareity. We got in the car and started to drive away and realized the tire went flat. I have been keeping an eye on that tire because it had a slow leak but it went flat overnight so the slow leak obviously turned into a great big one! We got back to the house and he pulled the tire off and we took it to the tire place around the corner. They couldn't even look at it until 4pm. UGH! Well, that made him mad and we drove on up the street where there are two more tire places which he wouldn't stop at. I asked him if he was heading to AutoZone to deal with it there and he said "Does it matter? Why do you need to know?" It was a weird response but I came back with a really boneheaded comment. I told him I needed to know because I was hot and miserable (his car doesn't have AC) and wanted to know how long I could expect to be that way so I could mentally prepare. (I'm a HUGE WUSS!) He got all peeved off and made a U-turn and said, "Forget it! I was just going to go on to breakfast and deal with this afterward but since you are so hot and miserable I'll just take you home." I just kept looking out the window and started crying, trying to stifle it so he wouldn't know but apparently I sniffed a little to hard one time and he realized I was crying. That made him even more mad. He hates it. I never said another word. He kept trying to explain to me why he was taking me home and how he was sorry I was hot and miserable and couldn't handle the heat...blah blah blah. It was too late by then. He went to deal with the tire, I went to the bedroom and laid down and then he left later and didn't say where he was going. When he came back (he went fishing) he hugged me and that was that.

No, not a healthy way of dealing with it but it was over.

Stupid huh?

[SunFunOne]

Sorry Mish,

Reminds me of my life with ex. It was often like that.

One thing I never knew from reading your posts was that you you laugh together, hug etc. I never got that from your posts - it seemed so stiff.

Only you know what you want and what you're willing to accept. No R is perfect. I just am glad I no longer walk on eggshells.

Barb

[whatisis]

OK, my thoughts are, first of all, don't write " I did nearly blow everything though." Huh, how did YOU blow anything? It was a dynamic between two people. He had his fault in how the discussion was handled and you had yours. Yet, I don't see how saying what you said was that horrible. You asked a simple question and he got all cranky over it. Now, he probably felt that as the man it's his job to make sure this is repaired and that your inquiry was calling his adequacy into question or questioning the way he was handling it. That would be a topic for discussion later. You should discuss what happened and maybe say "Is there a way you would have preferred me to have asked that question?" ...even just for for future reference. Ask if he felt you were criticizing him. Anyway, a small pissy interaction between the two of you is not almost blowing everything. Don't blow things way, way out of proportion! Catch yourself, you do it often.

[mishka422]

The way I look at things, I'm the peacekeeper. I don't ruffle feathers, I just suck it up and act like an adult. It's not worth the fight usually. Don't get me wrong, if something happens that completely undermines my boundaries the it's ON! Otherwise, I vent here and let it go...eventually.

There is something you guys just hit on that I didn't notice though. You're right, when something happens I assume that I've blown everything apart by my reaction or my words. In my mind I see Gabe as having a box in his head where he stores all of my mistakes and he's filing them away. One day that box is going to be full (and every mistake I make I feel it's going to be the ONE) and that's when he'll say he's done and walk out again. Why don't I seem to have a box like that?

This made me think about a few other things as well.

Why is it that I constantly think about what I'm going to say or do and how he is going to react to it? If I feel it won't be positive, I say or do nothing. If I think it will be neutral or positive then I go ahead. I do this no matter how I truly feel about it. That's not honest. That is not me! I fly by the seat of my pants in all things but, then again, that has gotten me in trouble too. Yes, I'm overly critical of myself but I don't know anyone who isn't. It's just hard to be constantly worried that I'm going to say or do the wrong thing.

Does he ever worry about how what he says effects me? I would seriously doubt it. It's something I would like to ask him though. I don't understand this dynamic at all. Does he ever think of my feelings or my needs (other than the practical) at all? I just don't know.

Borrowed time. That's how I feel all of the time. It's exhausting.

Gineen, you said that you think he nearly blew it with me. He knows that's not possible. He's done the worst and I've taken him back with no consequences. I feel like I'm paying some kind of pennance for being less than in the past. No, he isn't imposing this, I'm doing it to myself. There just seems to be no way to stop myself from it. It goes back to my mess in my head, my lack of all sorts of things that I've been trying my best to break free of. It stinks.....big time.

Oh well....I really need to stop thinking about it. It makes me even crazier and I sit at my desk and cry. Not a good way to be in an open office with my co-workers staring at me!

[mishka422]

Oh, and Barb, I never thought of sharing his loving side with you guys. It's not something I share with anyone in RL either. They never see us interact. He's not demonstrative in public ever and in private he's still pretty reserved.

He is a hugger though. Last night I asked him why he never sits on the couch with me anymore and he said he just was really comfortable in the recliner. I asked him if he would be uncomfortable sitting on the couch so I could lay on his lap and he immediately jumped up and came over to the couch. That was sweet and did show me he was listening. He obviously realized that it was important to me. That was nice.

[SunFunOne]

That WAS nice, Mish. My question would be - did it lead to sex? Because that was always what I wanted in my R with my ex. Cuddling that did not always lead to sex. The sex was great and I never said no but the feeling that you were loved not just for sex was great too.

Relationships are certainly complicated.

I think before anything with you and Marc and be really satisfying - you need to sort out the "mess in your head". That will give you a lot of answers.

Barb

[mishka422]

Nope, no sex. Just the cuddling and that was really nice.

Gabe is good in so many ways, and bad in so many. So am I. There just needs to be a way to sit down and talk these things out together without him feeling like I'm trying to lay down some sort of blame or groundwork for something else. I just want to talk dang it!

[MichelleLT]

First, I LOVE YOUR LIST. And I love the things you have planned, like the cruise for Marc's graduation. I also think it's extremely positive that Gabe is interested - he wouldn't be thinking about stuff that far ahead if he wasn't planning to be around.

Second, I love that you guys do have so many good moments. It's great that you have here to vent, but it's also awesome that there are so many good things about the R. Yes, you both have your patterns, and there are some things that need to be addressed, but it's good to see there are also healthy and fun patterns that can be built on.

Hypothetically, what would you want to address? And how could you break it down? E.g. start with playfully asking him to go steady or something equally funny but light and don't let it turn into a long drawn-out R discussion. What would you want to address after that? And what would be a good way to do it?

[SunFunOne]

Mish,

One thing I learned from my marriage falling apart was the "all or nothing" attitude. I have learned in my new R to compromise more. To know when something REALLY is a deal breaker. To look at the big picture. And to not issue ultimatums.

One thing that I would improve in my new R would be the ability to discuss the future. Josh is noncommittal. I always wanted to remarry. It seems to be the one thing we can't really talk about. When I do - he never gets angry - just smiles and changes the subject. For me - I had to learn that this might be the one thing we will never agree on but when I look at the rest - it's just all so wonderful. And buying a house together was a huge commitment on his part. So I let it go.

So - I guess you have to be REALLY clear with yourself about what you really want and what you can let go. And no one else can decide that for you.

Barb

[mishka422]

Well......today is pushing me to the end of my ever fraying rope.

Gabe lost his job today over a stupid mistake. He's been an exemplary employee, they've given him high praise several times in the past and a nice bonus once but he made one error and they fired him. Granted, he hit a car in the parking lot when he was shuffling cars (he worked for an auto body company) but it was minor damage.

No idea what I'm going to do now. The income he brought in paid for groceries.

I'm shaking. Too bad my xanax is all gone.