Sorry, new around here, I meant to include the post.
I added your post to my file of "posts to ponder" - it struck a chord with me. Thanks for these words.
Originally Posted By: Bworl
Self-sacrifice is not a popular concept in our world. Stories of faithfulness in the face of rejection or even just lack of something in return make the news because it's so rare these days.
Standing for a marriage that is in distress, particularly when one spouse seems to have wigged out is looked down upon by many as being enabling or being that doormat. Few recognize the honor in remaining true to your vows until the bitter end. Few have the stomach to truly endure the "worse" in "for better or worse."
If MLC is truly a psychological trauma born of hidden and unresolved wounds...if it truly is a crazy journey of the soul that must be navigated...then there is at least a part of the ridiculous behavior that is simply a part of their wicked journey. There is incredible inner anguish, both from pain and from emptiness. This anguish thrusts the MLC'er forward to remove things that have potentially brought the pain, and to grasp for things that will soothe the pain.
In that light, a left behind spouse honors their marriage and their spouse by remaining their rock - that lighthouse that can lead the other home one day.
M 45 H 42 married 1997 S 12 S 9 OW 22 bomb July 4, 2010 H moved out Oct. 1, 2010
here' dbing and learning on this site. i just wanted to say your comment about doormat not knowing it's a doormat made me laugh becaus just yesterday i was telling my neice (who was yelling at a cat) that he was just a cat- doing what cats do. he doesn't know he's a cat and we're epople. he just is what he is.
it's so true- your response made me blubber a bit- people don't seem to "get it" when it's not them in our shoes. oh well- thanks for the insight- it helps to know there are others out there - as usual.
Much of what we are dealing with here is cognitive dissonance. Coming out of the angry phase the MLCer is looking for a reason why they are feeling the way they are. There is a gap between what they think is the correct action and what they actually feel. What the MLCer is going through is an internal struggle between who they think they are and the actions that they are taking. After all a good person does not leave his/her family for no apparent reason.
This is an old post but I think this hits the nail on the head. I've been thinking about a conversation my husband and I had about 3 years ago, I don't remember all the details but I remember exactly where we were sitting and the general gist of it. We were talking about other people we know or heard about, and how he didn't respect those people for various things that they did in their personal relationships and he told me he could never be like that. And now, more or less, he is doing those things himself! He has his core reason and I accept that reason as valid, but the way he has gone about it is like these other people he didn't respect.
I think, if the man he was 3 years ago met the man he has become, the man of yesterday would hate the man of today, he would be embarrassed by the man of today, he would be ashamed of the man of today. But it may very well be that both men are inside him and the two men are fighting among themselves. When he tries to justify his current behavior, he uses his FEELINGS to explain them, but he also admits that he KNOWS what is right and that with time he will act that way, but he has to get his feelings out of his system first.
But then what happens when today's feelings are replaced by tomorrow's feelings?
Yes, there is a lot of cognitive dissonance. They must justify their behaviors some way; they have to rationalize why they have done what they did. Often, it seems they choose the rationalization that puts them in the best light. Their fragile egos and shattered self esteem can't handle the truth.
