Was I right to agree to "talk" before a third party (counselor)?
or
Should I have told her to go ahead and talk to a lawyer?
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
I always think it's a good idea to avoid Ls as much as possible. If she will agree to a meeting with a neutral third party, then that's fine. As you suggest, a judge will order that anyway if you go the L route. If she won't meet with a neutral 3rd party, then I would not meet with her. I would also not talk on the phone with her at this point. I do not know enough about your X, but I do know that you generally need 2 people that are willing to work things out and compromise, and if one of the people is just intent on having their way, mediation is a waste of time and money.
I think you may want to meet with an L or 2 at this point, many of them will meet with you for a free consultation so that you are prepared if she does go the L route. From my experience with family court, the judge will not find it in the best interest of the children to change the situation you already have in place, and it sounds like your X is coming from an emotional, controlling viewpoint that I don't think most Judges would consider persuasive.
I agreed to co-parenting sessions with the same therapist who spoke to the kids a few times. It was a NIGHTMARE for me - at the second session, when he realized he wasn't going to push his agenda on me, he called me some names, started yelling and stormed out. Even to this day, we speak by phone on only very rare occasions, and I'm divorced 4+ years. Brief, to-the-point emails lead us to peaceful communication.
A good friend gave me great advice - if you don't agree to whatever she is pushing, you can simply say "that doesn't work for me," or "I plan on following the court order/agreement." That's it, no explanations, no discussion. You can't make sense of nonsense - they won't hear it, no matter how rational you are.
I agree with what Reincarnated said "That doesn't work for me" & "I plan on following the court order/agreement". My ex did not like doing what the court ordered. I just emailed him with "please reread our agreement". It always worked. It was not threatening.
Every situation is different. I think you'd be better to do little for now. Let her do the "doing" with a lawyer. He will probably advise her it's a "no go". Why spend the $ on a fight. If she does go fwd with it - get a GOOD lawyer then.
I'm fairly certain she has spoken to a lawyer who advised her it's a "no go." The first day of school after which she planned to keep kids she called in the afternoon and informed me I could take the kids as usual with great resignation. I told her they could stay with her a couple of days extra be because school had just started and i wanted to minimize the adjustment (she had consistsntly told them they would begin living with her when school started even though I had rejected the change upon which she insisted).
The interesting thing was she was making references that were the custody agreement almost verbatim. She either had studied it or it had been explained to her. That's also when I believe she began to record our convos as I heard a beep or two. Its been bluff, huff, smoke and spew since then. She was very upset the C she took the kids to refused to work with me so I think that is her current strategy. In fact the original reason she stated was because she believed the kids needed therapy but today she commented "the whole reason" she went to the C was so we could "work this out."
There's been a lot of that flip flop on things from her end lately.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
She's just spinning spinning spinning. And it's possible that the reason is (although she doesn't know it) that she's just incredibly jealous you're engaged. Stupid, I know - but somehow many of the WAss seem to always think we'll be there for them if they change their minds.
She's probably not conscious of this.
I agree with the advice to stop picking up the phone. Let her calls go to voice mail, then send text or email replies (carefully worded, always). Keep copies of all her responses. Don't talk to her without a third party in the room. A counselor was a good suggestion. She probably won't take you up on it.
And if she's REALLY worried about the disruption to the kids, tell her you'd be happy to keep them every week and let her have them on weekends.
And - sounds paranoid, I know, but since son mentioned mom with a gun - DEFINITELY don't meet her anywhere that's not in public. Definitely don't let her in your house.
She has shoved single ladies that I did not find attractive and had no children at me. Fiancée is very attractive, four years younger than X, has three children and is more highly educated. X never wanted me to date let alone marry someone with children. Jealousy of mothering skills? (X refers to herself as "slackermom" occasionally), Bad memories of growing up in blended families? (both of X's parents remarried after divorce to new spouses with children). X exclaimed aloud when I began dating fiancée, "This is EXACTLY what I didn't want to happen!
X asked to see a pic of engagement ring. She introduced fiancé as "Sleeper's girlfriend" the other night and was upset yesterday that she has been "unfriended" on my Facebook page. (I honestly dont know how that happened but it revealed she has been looking).
DS has opined, "Mom's a little crazy" but I don't think she would resort to gun violence. Hit me, yes (she has), shoot me, no.
It's funny she was all about a "blended family" (her words) consisting of herself, OMH, our kids and me and even held her arms wide calling for a "blended family hug" at kidswap once when we were standing together.
So what's the problem with a "blended family" of herself, OMH, our kids, me, fiancé and her three kids?
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Of course! And IMO this is a perception and self esteem issue. She perceives your fiancé as better than she. I hope you do to!
I know how arrogant this sounds and I do not care. X will never find better than what she had and with the improvements to self I have made because of her decision I am even better!
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DS has opined, "Mom's a little crazy" but I don't think she would resort to gun violence. Hit me, yes (she has), shoot me, no.
To paraphrase Forrest Gump “Crazy is as crazy does” so minimize the risk.
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It's funny she was all about a "blended family" (her words) consisting of herself, OMH, our kids and me and even held her arms wide calling for a "blended family hug" at kidswap once when we were standing together.
So what's the problem with a "blended family" of herself, OMH, our kids, me, fiancé and her three kids?
It is not on her terms
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
She hit you in the past and you somehow feel comfortable she won't shoot you? Really? I've found that all bets are off when it comes to these folks. At least for me, I have been surprised time and again due to not having the right mindset about what the "old" her would or would not do. Be careful and be cautious.
Her reasons are her reasons. You won't know what started this for her but you will see what her reactions are.
She was a blended family as a child? Who'd have thought, right? Seems that there might be some damage she is dealing with there? Just guessing, but she seems to be hell bent on repeating the process.
That seems sad and natural to me. I've seen similar patterns and it's not fun to watch
At some point, you need to end the madness. Kids or not, you are prolonging some of this for reasons I can't quite see. I'm sure protecting your kids and what they need are part of it, but is there something else?
To answer your other question, I see no reason to talk to her without a third party at any time if you can help it. I doubt she'll go for it, but it is a good idea to at least ask. For all communications. It keeps you from having to deal with the craziness and it gives you an opportunity to have things documented.
And no, she doesn't want you to remarry. She wants control. Why? Who knows? Who cares?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
