It is just over a year since I found a letter written by my husband to a w he used to work with on our laptop. It was written as though they'd been having a pa but even after all this time he insists it was only talking and doesn't even see it as an ea. I've tried counselling but had to stop after 4 months as I could no longer afford it. I mostly feel OK day to day but the trouble is I just can't bare the thought of being intimate with h - even kissing! I'm really wondering if this is normal this long after discovering it all or if it is a sign that we should go our separate ways after all. I'd love to hear from someone who has been through a similar situation and stayed together!
Thanks for responding - I find it a difficult topic too!
H did go to counselling with me a few times and on his own when the it was suggested by her. He has been very up and down with the recovery process to be honest. He is trying really, really hard to be better with the kids which was one thing I wasn't happy with regardless of his EA/PA and is being very patient but then sometimes has a blow out and says he's leaving because he can't take it being ~%~% anymore! This obviously sets me back big time as I just don't feel secure! He is always very apologetic after he's calmed down and says he didn't mean it and said it in anger but even so it hurts.
As far as healing me goes - no I don't think he has. He has basically taken the stance from the beginning (backed up by the counsellor) that I have to heal myself and that there isn't anything he can do as he cannot prove he hasn't had PA.
I've tried to overcome it on my own and I've tried to get him involved by talking it through and asking what he thinks we should do to get past this but he isn't great at discussions. I've asked him to read DB but he just says he doesn't see how the answer can be in a book despite the fact that I used it successfully when he left me 6 years ago!
Yes, my H does know that it is all an issue.
I'm not really sure if it would change anything if it turned out to be a PA - I'm very confused in that area.
I talk to my H about it all and all of my feelings so there isn't a problem with talking to him - although he doesn't always give a great response - it's just that it has been over a year now and I guess I feel like we should be moving forward from the "just cohabiting parents" phase we have been in since I found out and more towards being a proper R again.
Have you talked with your doctor to see if there is an issue with hormones or something else ?
Just to rule out the chemical aspects of desire.
Personally I could not even handle an accidental brush from her hand back in the bomb and recovery stages. It was one of my reasons for moving on separately. As it is a very important part of a relationship.
But for you I think it is more about the fact that your H is not truthful to you and has not been for years. And you are not sure if it just you that has had zero sex the past year. So no trust. No being vulnerable. I would just assume that it has been PA back in 2006 and the past few years as well. As he had it set up to go away for a few days a week. At his age to not have sex in a year is not normal , unless he is a narcissist or has a physical issue. Is he still away all the time ?
I am sure all this is floating around in the back of your head. You have worked very hard at saving your marriage for six years now. That is something to be extremely proud of. But perhaps sometimes you cannot fix what is broken. And it seems that truth and trust have left your marriage which are two of the foundations for desire and intimacy.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Hi, IP, I was wondering how you were. Sorry to hear you are having so much trouble with moving forward. I still to this day, do not know if my H and ow had a PA, or if it was EA. He said it was not PA, but correspondence makes me think otherwise. So, I felt I had to either let things stay as they were, or let him keep his lie (if it is one)to himself and move forward as if I DID know everything. As time has gone on, I have not found anything to make me feel he is backsliding. No contact, nothing. So, for me, to let it go, as much as I wanted not to, was a good choice. He did slip up a number of times over the years, before he straightened up. Like chatterbox, I could not stand his touch or his kiss, made me want to scrub myself. He is being very good, now, though, thank God.
Have you thought of telling your H that he is not helping things along as you would wish? Ask him why he won't come out with the complete truth. If he is still contacting ow in any way, what are you prepared to do? Maybe you should become your own detective, so you can find out just exactly what IS going on. And, is he reading your body language? That you are grossed out by him right now?
I hope you can figure out how to do what is best for you, I know you don't want to have your M fall apart like this.
I haven't checked with the Dr no but I am pretty sure it is all because I don't know for sure if he's telling the truth. Just as you describe I cannot bare it when he even puts his hand on my shoulder during a conversation .
He doesn't work away now no, he hasn't done for about 19 months now. I'm pretty sure nothing has been happening since that time it is just the fact that I don't know what is real or a lie from before.
You're right, I question myself every day and am constantly thinking that it is just too broken, or rather I am just too broken hearted to fix this anymore, I think maybe he has just let me down once too often but I am scared of anything else I suppose.
Hi VC. I admire you so much and wish I could take a leaf out of your book and do as you have done. Our situations seem so similar with both our H's denying a PA but having correspondence that points to a PA. How did you make that decision to move forward. Each time I think that I will try to do that my head screams at me that I don't believe him and he'll quite innocently touch me and I cringe. I am so devastated, I wanted so badly to get past this and not break up our family but it just seems to be too big a stumbling block for me.
I have told him over and over that if he just told me the truth it would be easier for me to forgive and put it behind me and each time he insists that he has told me the truth and hasn't done what I think he's done. Yes, he knows that I am grossed out by him touching me in any way and is gutted. He looks so sad when he sees my response which makes me feel so bad. I just feel like this nightmare will never end. I feel like I'm living a lie, pretending to everyone that we're in a happy marriage when all the time I'm thinking I should get out, but then I see the children's faces when he comes home from work and how could I destroy that for them by asking for a D, despite it being down to something he has done. I wish I could just erase my memory.
You're right it's not good for my health, I know and yet I cannot seem to do anything other than stay here in misery. I'm scared to leave in case it's the wrong decision and I'm scared to stay because I just hate how I feel every day. I still feel so raw from all this - I'm not sure that's normal after 13 months? to still feel absolute heart breaking pain every day. I feel like I love him and want to be with him but I just cannot bring myself to be "normal". I've tried acting as if and I just feel empty and angry again when I do that and I think I've been this way so long now that he isn't actually really that bothered if we break up anyway - so that leaves me feeling insecure, on top of already feeling insecure from what he's done and it is just the biggest hole and the biggest mess and I can't get out and I just despair. I just want someone to beam me up so I don't have to think about any of this anymore and feel no pain.
you need to detatch and realize that you have some issues with dependency and work on that. So that you know that no matter what happens you will be fine. As you have the most reliable person in the world watching out for you. Yourself.
Then you can deal with the issues of the lack of truth from your husband as an equal in the equation. Or perhaps from a position of strength. As you will have the strength to see it thru.
Take Care.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
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