Hey, NG. I'm thinking that I have to get some mantras someplace accessible. In my pocket, since sticky notes are out.
P is planning on arriving Wednesday or Thursday. Time to think about the R goals again. Tomorrow when I'm more awake...
I did pretty well with food and exercise on my trip. While driving, I alternated the Spanish lesson CDs with Pia's series on boundaries. She talks about practicing good boundaries being the basis for intimacy, the alive feeling in Rs, and spiritual connection. All very motivational.
When I got back, I had an opportunity to practice a bit. My heroic grouting friend is in the midst of transitioning some meds. I was going to stop over at her place for dinner, but something set her off and she left a fuming message on my phone. I decided not to call back. No need to engage while she's in that mood. In the past, I would have been stressed out about it.
hi SD, maybe you can sticky note them in Spanish??
seriously though, could you write them in a notebook and maybe spend some time every morning reviewing... or spend some time imagining yourself implementing them so that you form a visual picture of you living them to help you later..
sounds like a good decision to not call your friend. love that you are able to wait instead of needing to try and fix it.. i need some pia tapes, sounds like she is a real help.
i think you are more ready for the visit than you think, SD!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
My first thought on the Spanish sticky notes was that I'd be concentrating so hard on trying to decipher them that it would pull me out of whatever angst I'd landed in. I really like the idea. They'd go right by my housemate. Not too sure about P though... Just my luck she'd probably understand them better than I would!
I like the idea of a notebook and visualizing some positive scenarios.
Somehow, this reminded me that Pia uses a visualization about a blue box. When someone says something, she visualizes it coming at her in a blue box and she then decides what to do with the blue box (let it past the boundaries or not, depending on whether it's true, all while STFU).
I have quite a few origami boxes tucked away. I think I need to pull them out and get them displayed in each room where I can see them. They will be my secret notes to myself.
I have the "Boundaries" set, which gives step by step instructions for getting your personal boundaries up and running. One of my favorite quotes comes when she's explaining that you're not to try to set things straight when someone is saying infuriatingly untrue stuff to you: "Being them is punishment enough."
I also have the "Co-addicted Relationships" set. This one is really good at explaining what's unhealthy in most relationships and why. It also lays out the steps to take for healing and moving into healthy Rs. It clarifies what codependence is (basically a bit, or perhaps a lot, of immaturity) and the difference between that and love addiction (what most people think of as codependence). As I've said before, listening to this one is always an inspirational kick in the arse. Pia's examples are of rather extreme cases, but the hint of recognition really boosts awareness of the things I need to work on. I might still be stuck in some of my bad patterns, but at least there's Pia's voice in my head pointing it out to me.
Goals report: Logged 23 miles on my bike yesterday, while listening to Spanish lessons. And I just want to point out that I do not live in a flat area. I arrived at a friend's house for lunch and tried to use a little of my new Spanish. It didn't go as I'd hoped. Sigh. I'll keep plugging away.
One of my challenges since P left has been dealing with an annoying housemate. He's a really nice guy, but leaves a trail in the kitchen and bathroom. P happily cleaned up after him when she was here. I have very little tolerance for cleaning up after him. He also has a different sense of boundaries so is completely comfortable using (abusing, "it broke", not replacing...) anything he can find, regardless of whose it is. This has been very good practice for me in addressing difficult concerns, as well as figuring out and enforcing my boundaries. I've become more relaxed about figuring out a path forward.
I frequently do the math in my head. The rent is pretty compelling (and he's a known quantity, whereas a different housemate would be an unknown quantity - maybe better, maybe not). The other big factor is that he takes care of P's cats when I'm on the road and when we take off for winter gigs. (Now that P isn't living here, I'm paying the full price in picking up after him.) Third factor is me feeling guilty if I kick him out. Since I've made clear requests more than once, and he's unable (though not unwilling) to fulfill them, this is diminishing. Fourth factor is that me kicking him out would be a black mark against me on P's scorecard. Yeah, I need to work through that. One of her complaints was that I'm too hard, not kind enough. I think she'd be more comfortable if I was more like her and always said "it'll be fine". On the one hand she recognizes that she needs to be more assertive, but on the other hand she's horrified when I am. I can see that these are some of her messed up issues and examples of poor boundaries on her part, but I know the consequences on the scorecard.
So, here's where I want to be: I can be open and kind and communicative with the housemate. I can state what my limits are. If he's not with the program, I can choose to give him notice. I can look for another housemate. I can't control what P thinks about any of it. I don't want to be in an R if I have to compromise at that level.
I look around the boards and I see all manner of difficult compromises being required. It's true, but there's a line. Sometimes it's just hard to find it. What is stepping out of my comfort zone toward a good end and what is compromising my integrity? That will be my question to ponder for today.
i've just recently been able to think like that for the first time - where I am not going to worry what my h thinks about anything - and that it is okay to feel that way.
you've put a lot of thought into the roommate issue. so stubborn - it occured to me - especially when you mentioned towards the end :
Fourth factor is that me kicking him out would be a black mark against me on P's scorecard. Yeah, I need to work through that.
that it's great that you are aware that you have to work through this issue. how about considering a list of goals towards that end. if your living situation is not satisfactory and you are influenced by P's opinion on it, there's a nice fat learning curve towards some new growth inherent in there.
you can approach it in 2 ways - after you decide. the goals you would need to achieve to learn to live with what you perceive as a difficult roommate or the goals you would pursue if you wanted to ask him to leave. both have good opportunities for you to practice new things for yourself
you sound on the whole as if you are in a much better place than a few weeks ago when we started the goals thread - there's a new more confident tone in your writing - and i'm so pleased for you
hope things are going well
((((((( )))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I didn't do any workout yesterday and my mood dipped noticeably. And my heroic grouting friend just gave notice to her GF. That bummed me out and unsettled some of my support landscape.
My parents visited for lunch today, bearing gobs of homemade, sugar-laden gifts. Sigh. I've been worried about my Dad's declining health and mood, which I attribute to too much medication from a doctor I'm not so impressed with. The good news is that he seems to be at the point where, after Mom gave up nudging and I started, he seems open and perhaps even inspired to research some alternatives.
P should be arriving Thursday evening. I'll be out at a meeting. She just happened to hit that every other Thursday. I'm stressing a bit about the list of things I want to get done before she arrives. Feeling overwhelmed by my list in general and having a hard time focusing on the computer work. Veering toward some old, unproductive habits. Feeling a little sticky on my feet and remembering the old stuck in molasses feeling.
...need to keep moving...
I'm going to write out a list for tomorrow. Paper seems to work better than electronic. Alternate computer and active tasks. Make sure to get a bike ride in if the weather allows.
I'm thinking of hiding little notes inside the origami boxes, or even putting little sticky notes on their bottoms.
In email, P said she's "looking forward to seeing you, the cats, [the housemate], etc." At least I got top billing. No telling what etc. is.
Today's addition to the list of mantras: When P is kind it is a sign that she wants to be a kind person. Nothing else.
