I was just driving around aimlessly last night and decided to go see if H was home from business trip yet.
He turned up the street towards "our" house as I was waiting to make the same turn from the opposite direction - freaky timing! So I knew he was home...
He invited me in and we had a long chat. It didn't seem to be going well for me - more of him being messed up and not wanting to hurt OW.
He kept talking about her being so loving and supportive during this period and all I can think is "If only you'd give ME a chance to be loving and supportive" and "nvm her, I'm your wife". Kept those to myself.
The night ended with more of our "playing with fire" behavior. Which led to me leaving, in tears, and another late night phone call to say we can't do that anymore...
We've agreed to n/c until I've seen my C next week. He'll be going away for a couple of days to let his emotions and feelings settle a bit. It's gonna be a LONG weekend!
Was browsing another relationship forum, and stumbled upon my H's user name. Easy from knowing him for 9 years that it was him! The temptation was bigger than me, I had to click - had to see what he was writing...and what others were saying...
I started in the most recent posts, then went back to the beginning. God, it hurts to see how much he was hurting. Is it weird to wish I could have been there for him??
Then I went to the middle, seeing his progress - slow, but sure - and becoming stronger. (For any LBS out there - working on yourself does work, give it time.)
I then found his new R in the most recent thread - found out it started 2 days after he got his "closure" from me. And he's wondering if he started dating "too soon"?!?
I read way too much about that...also really painful.
Part of me wanted to experience a fraction of his pain for all the pain I cause him. Made myself read to have that happen. Messed up, eh?
I am also encouraged by a few other posters looking to give him advice to *carefully* approach the idea of R with me. And to let OW go, she is innocent in all this.
Also - I sent him an email to see if he wanted me to stop reading the posts - almost 1000 of them! I felt like it was good for me to know where he was coming from, yet at the same time, I want to respect his privacy.
He called to 'reply'. So good to hear his voice! He's ok with me reading them, he wondered if I'd ever stumble upon them. They are public. He did remind me that he's far from where he was in the beginning.
He wrote in a recent post "I do still love my wife". Gives me something to hang onto.
And after reading for over 2 hrs tonite, I do understand why he will have a hard time to forgive me. I need time to show him that I can do better, be better. I know I still have work to do on myself too. I am now ready to do this - preferably with him.
I know it won't happen overnight, and it will take baby steps. I offered to meet someplace for lunch on Saturday, he was very clear that was "no!". Too soon I guess...
Meeting w/my C on Monday - can't wait to hear her perspective in all this!
Thanks for the chance to journal all this! The last week has been a roller-coaster ride!
We all "snoop" and you found out the consequences.
I applaud you for "outing" yourself. Did he say anything other than he was OK if you read his posts?
I also applaud your bravery (or was it morbid curiosity) to read his posts and your humility and empathy which allowed you to better understand his position.
You can not "unknow" this, now.
He is still feeling pressure (based on his "no" answer to lunch).
You need to be attractive, you need him to see your positive changes and allow him his time to trust them and believe they are permanent (the SHOULD be), and you should work on patience and stop pursuit. Stopping pursuit does not mean N/C.
Just continue to become a better option... and be patient...
He also said he was sorry that reading them caused me grief. He knew I was crying while reading them and was again, while on the phone with him. He asked if I was OK, which I told him I was not...and he apologized and I tell him that I am more sorry than words can express.
Another thing - we were talking more about the passion we are both feeling. He wonders if "hooking up" would be a test of how things could be or just a romp.
I told him I couldn't go there if he was still with OW. It's just not 'him' - the man I love would NEVER go for that. He's not a cheater! So as much as I would want to see if that could start to chip away at his wall, I could never be part of that type of behavior - married or not.
I already feel like he's getting his cake & eating it too. (Relationship by day with OW and by night with me - mostly through the phone, but still!)
Another late night phone call! Why can't we stop??!!
This time disguised as "house" talk (it's for sale). Always starts out for the reasons stated, but always ends up in a more intimate conversation.
He says he can't see past his wall and it is built strong. The months he spent getting over me have strengthened it. He isn't sure if there's anything to be done to tear it down. He also says my words and promises mean nothing, that they are bouncing off the wall.
I've kept reading his posts on the other forum site. They aren't very "marriage"-friendly for a marriage oriented site! Had to stop reading tonight when I stumbled upon the R with OW.
Reading these really have me wondering if he CAN ever forgive me and move on...Am I only setting myself up for failure??
Went to far this time, we crossed a line that shouldn't be crossed while he's still with OW. Guilt and fun, all at the same time...Trying out our "test" theory. And I will repeat, how many tests until one has to take the final exam? So how messed up is that?
He feels super-guilty for all this of course. He felt guilty about phone calls, so physical is that much worse. He's afraid to tell OW because she might want to leave R. And I feel bad that it hurts him - more. Not what I want to leave him with when he thinks of me... *He did tell her a little bit, but that's his story, not mine. She's still around, for now*
He also worries that I see him "doing" this behavior and what must I think of him? Honestly, I think he made a choice today to no longer be with OW by his actions. Just not quite ready to accept/deal with it yet. Because he is not a cheater - never would've done anything like this EVER - until faced with these circumstances.
He also confessed that he found this thread yesterday, told me after our visit. Not sure if he's going to keep checking it...It's ok because I don't share anything that I wouldn't want him to read anyway.
I think it's interesting that he saw all this yesterday and still initiated contact today to meet.
I know he's messed up and needs time to process all this. Will wait it out, for as long as it takes.
He is still encouraging me to date. See what else is out there. Been there, done that. Nothing that interests me right now...
I told him that our behaviour today left me wondering if instead of tearing down the wall, that maybe I can find my way to the other side of it...Lust/passion is a strong emotion!
We've also agreed that email/phone is OK, but no more f2f - unless in public place.
Today was tough - got yet another email saying that we have to keep our contact to just essential business. I'm relieved this time it wasn't so he could "focus on his new R". At least I was saved that humiliation again; this time it was for "our" respective healing.
I agree to a certain point, though I do miss my friend in all this. Before I asked the "question", we were starting to be able to talk like friends...
And it was also tough because I knew she would be visiting today. Not sure how he reacted seeing her again...
Tomorrow is first meeting with IC in 6 week, and is about 3 weeks overdue! Should get my DR book tomorrow too.
I made the mistake of asking if H & OW were still planning to take a trip they planned for this upcoming w-e. And yes, they are. He says it will be weird, but they want to see where this R is headed and it's too late to cancel everything.
I feel so stupid - for everything! From not trying harder in our marriage, to leaving him, then to discussions of reconciliation, to asking him to give us and our M another chance, to the passion and actions that followed.
And I feel guilty - H & I had a VERY similar trip planned for last summer when I dropped the first bomb about wanting to separate. (He calls it the 2nd - but the first was really just an admission that I wasn't happy in the marriage - not actually leaving it). I don't want him to be *jinxed* for this trip! But I can't wish him well and tell him to have a good time.
I wish I had the strength to let him go! I once told him that it took all my strength to leave in January and that's why I didn't go to IC then - just couldn't talk about it yet. Wasn't thinking about anything other than today - tomorrow would come tomorrow! So I know he and I aren't in the same place for growth - but I just can't let go - yet!
Don't get me wrong, no doubts about what I want or what I will do to get it. I just can't be part of his problems anymore. He's confused and I get it.
I will continue my work on myself. It will make me stronger and more ready for what ever comes my way. I will learn from my mistakes and will do better next time. I hope he gets to see it and even benefit from it, but the work and results are for me. To be the best ME I can be! Someone will benefit - me, first and foremost, and my life partner - who ever that lucky guy might be!
Sent H another song that I relate to - I love music and some artists can say what I am thinking better than I ever could.
Now wishing I'd have sent 2. The one I sent was Adele's version of "Make you feel my love" and in hindsight I should've also sent Jason Mraz's "I won't give up!".
