It was the first night in about a week that we didn't talk on the phone...I must've woken up half a dozen times to make sure I didn't miss an email or text.
I know it's because the OW was visiting. Plus I've asked for no contact, so even if she wasn't there, he probably wouldn't have called...
Hey Mandy, I left you a long post yesterday but I am still on moderation as I am new here. So it just popped up back towards the beginning of your thread.
Anyway, I hear your pain, I am living it. I am trying this DETACH but I think it may actually kill me. We haven't had a physical conversation now in 5 days. For 8 years we never went a day without speaking to each other...its hard to see how this is an appropriate step at this point.
The only thing that I truly believe at this point is that self improvement and positive thoughts and actions have never hurt anyone. It is just very hard to keep that train moving in the right direction all the time...
OK, so you are respecting your H's new R, which is appropriate and appears to be what he wants.
I understand that you feel like the OW. I am curious though as to what behaviour was not healthy when you attempted to re-engage? Are you saying an attraction by both of you?
If you are going N/C, there are a few things to understand:
+ N/C is FOR YOU, first and foremost, to help you detach. + a side effect MIGHT be that your absence might stir your H to miss you. + N/C is generally temporary, unless you are setting it as a boundary regarding your H's R with OW. If that is the case, then I recommend you read up about AtLRT in DR, because that is the stance you are taking if this is about the OW. + N/C is about not contacting your H. In a strict sense, it means not responding to your H, either. Although modified, it might mean you respond to SOME contact from your H and not ALL contact.
I do want to frame the context of your sitch: + you left your H and M + your H is likely to have serious trust issues now, around you, due to feelings of abandonment + your H has now become involved with OW (one would assume it is because he is moving on)
Consider this...
Your H DOES NOT TRUST YOU and HAS CHOSEN A OW.
Do you really think that telling him he can't be in YOUR life while he is with OW is going to matter, to him?
I believe that it is really important for you to ignore the OW, right now. Whether you chose out first... he still is your H... and unless the two of you are D... SHE IS the OW.
How can you show him that he can trust you?
How can you show him that you are a great choice for him?
How can you show him that life with you NOW AND INTO THE FUTURE... will be much better for him and something he might desire?
How can you be attractive to him?
You do still sound like you are sitting on the fence...
If you want him back...
Then work on that. That's your goal...
Use the above questions and the DR book as your guide to help you work out what might help you achieve your goal.
Attraction would be putting it mildly. Crazy, powerful desire and 'playing with fire' would be closer to the truth.
Obviously from my last post, N/C clearly isn't going to work. Glad to know it's not the only way to go about this.
And I'm not on the fence, I'm trying to be respectful. I don't want him to ever blame me for it not working out with OW. And you're right, she is the OW. Not D and we both still 'feel' M.
Still trying to figure out 'how' to show him those things if I don't get to see him...because telling him those things isn't working.
I checked back on your thread and can't actually tell if you have picked up and read "Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner Davis. It's often described as THE workbook for Divorce Busting and the work we talk about here.
Please do pick it up and read it, now.
As a WAW, you have already (initially) gone through the Detaching and GAL process. It's pretty common. So what is ALSO common, is you are now at a point where you've reconsidered and now want to see if things can be worked out.
So as you indicate, GAL is NOT a problem, for you. Keep doing that, as it will continue to be helpful for you, to some extent.
As you go through the DR book, there will be a number of key elements that you will really want to work through. Things like "Starting with a beginner's mind", "Knowing what you want", and "Asking for what you want".
At that point, you will probably be looking at focusing on 180s. The things that you want to work on, make better for yourself, which may also be things your H might have complaints about you, as well as things that might help your H trust you and believe that life with you, from this day forward, would be much better.
And finally, there is another book which is often referred to here called "The Five Love Languages". It will help you possibly understand what YOU need, to feel loved, as well as what your H needs, to feel loved, and how that dynamic can cause problems because we don't realize we ARE being loved and that our loving actions may not be seen as loving actions by our spouses, and how to change that.
So... please pick up and read the books...
And...
With a beginner's mind, not that the two of you don't have history, but rather from a perspective of "Life between the two of you BEGINS NOW and is NEW", you can move forward.
You already know that you would like to try to work things out with your H, so that's clear.
So...
Just to be clear, your H has asked you a couple times whether you would work things out and you weren't ready. Have you now told him you would like to work things out? No subtle hints to him. Have you actually said to him, "H, I understand that you are moving forward in your life. I am working on myself to become a better person and am making new, better choices, now. I would like you to know that I am interested in working things out with you and staying M."
No "if's". ie. Not "if he ends the R with OW" or "if he is willing". You want to be very clear that you intend to work on the M.
He MAY NOT believe you, right now. Still, you need to make that clear to him, verbally. And THEN, you need to SHOW HIM, that you are doing so, with 180s and other positive, consistent behaviour from yourself.
Showing is not about getting in front of him and showing him all your good or "fixed" points, nor verbally telling him (he possibly does not trust you so won't believe your words, anyhow).
The little contact that you DO have with him, must exude these positive changes in yourself. They will be genuine and HE WILL notice. Also, there is always "back channel" that will likely get news of "the better you" to him.
And finally... you DO want to engage him... as scary as that might feel, for you...
It IS... after all... what you believe you want...
And as things move forward, if the both of you recommit to the M... then you will want to investigate and work on any past issues, so they do not crop up, again.
Hang in there! Took me 6 months and lots of soul-searching to feel anything again.
My R had many 2nd chances...While going through our first experience with me being ready to leave (a year ago), I found an old email while cleaning out my inbox - from 2009 - with promises that he would do better and be more supportive. I never felt that he tried and so I gave up.
Thanks for the words of support! I'm ready for him when he's ready for me
Ordered the DR book, not here yet. Hope to get it early next week. Looking forward to reading
I have told him, in no uncertain terms, that I am ready to recommit to our R & M
He doesn't trust me and doesn't want to risk losing his current relationship, which I believe is already at risk if he still has feelings for me...He feels by talking with me he isn't focusing 100% of his energy on OW, but yet - he still calls...
The no-contact was for me, not to try to get him back. It's too hard to have my hopes raised with a great, albeit late-nite phone call, to then wake up the next morning to another email that he feels guilty and shouldn't be talking to me anymore. But then he asks to call again last night and I can't say no - I miss him!
