I havent't had my own thread for some time (didn't think I really needed one) I gueess I need one now.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
FLTC, if I may: I don't think you should let ex interfere and ruin your new marriage. If you can talk to your new wife about it, you may want to agree to something to alleviate the craziness it invokes. But don't let ex ruin a good thing!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
What alarms me most about your post is not seeing your incredible sense of humor. So what is the true issue?
I'm between not wanting to tell her anything and let her know everything, but this just angers her.
Work on the marriage you have. Your wife did not reject you because of your past. She embraced everything about you. Heck.. what your ex does upsets you. How can it not upset your wife?
Listen, focus on the present. Share with your wife. Use all the positive skills you've learned and use them to make a better, stronger relationship with the woman you love. Be a team.
Wow. Leave your post unattended and the vultures circle and eat it.
Gypsy. I virtually thought about you just this morning, wondering how you're doing.
Here's a good news bad news story, XW is moving in with her smarmy boss. In a perfect world that will get her off of my pay roll and make me an extra $100 per day...(no shi&...$100!), but as you may know, nothing is linear with XW...it's always an oblique minefield from point A to point.......K, so I'm expecting a serpentine movement through this issue.
The bad news is S14 is moving an additional 35 minutes away. Breaks my heart, but I already have a lawyer, and will be headed back to court. XW already "declared" S14 will be with her M-F, because he needs to be in a "stable place" because of his "newly diagnosed ADD". Not like he's in a wheelchair on a ventilator, but that's how she portrays his "crippling new affliction". He's basically a 14 year old male who isn't crazy about school, but loves sports. Sounds like....well, me at that age. It boils down to her not wanting to drive him halfway to my house, an option that I'm pretty sure won't favor her or her move in court.
Kids really get taken for a tsunami ride in a divorce. I look at my kids and my new wife's kids, and they have really been tossed around, even though she's been divorced over 10 years now. A counelor I once saw called divorce "violent". She knew her shi*.
Yes the poor kids always seem to get caught up in the storm!
In my state all divorcing couples that have children are required to watch a parenting class and the effects our behaviors have on children.
Though I generally knew the basics, that class really opened my eyes.
Infact I had a throught that such a class should be *required* before even filing for divorce. A big thing that was discussed in the class is when OP are introduced. The person that led the class was a family counselor. She said when the OP gets in the picture that's when EVERYTHING goes nutts.
And it's true. When Ow got shoved into the family by XH all hell broke loose.
Another thing is true. You think once you're divorced all the dust will settle, things will get back into a predictable groove and you can go on with your life with out anymore issues.
I think it actually gets worse. In so many cases the WAS seems to cause so much trouble for the LBS, especially when the LBS really is moving on with their life. It really does seem that whether or not they take up with another, live alone or marry another, they still seem to think the LBS is their fallback!
I think it actually gets worse. In so many cases the WAS seems to cause so much trouble for the LBS, especially when the LBS really is moving on with their life. It really does seem that whether or not they take up with another, live alone or marry another, they still seem to think the LBS is their fallback!
Nooooooooooooooo! So not what I wanted to hear.
Sorry I do not have a constructive post.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I think it actually gets worse...the WAS seems to cause trouble for the LBS, especially when the LBS is moving on...
Some things defy logic and the actions of the WAS in these instances is one of them. Once at kidswap, X was talking to a girlfriend when I arrived. X asked if had asked out the female she had been pushing to me (she went from: 1) I don't want you dating even though I am , to 2) Now I want you dating but only with the one(s) I pick for you.). Her friend commented, "I'm surprised you're setting him up. I remember how I felt about my X husband going out.". Then they both shot each other a "I understand you completely" glance. I'm still not sure what that glance meant.
I think they're afraid you'll find someone "better" or worse, that looks better than them. They're fine for you to be the cast off but they don't want to suffer the appearance of the reverse. If you find someone more attractive, intelligent, successful, more highly educated and in the case of females, younger or a more involved mother, then they will look bad. This might explain the X constantly trying to find fault or tear down the LBS's sig other.
As usual. It's all about them.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Imo I think the WAS its the lost of control. For the longest time the LBS was fighting to save the marriage I mean look their willing to take back the spouse who has wounded them gravely.
WAS has all this "power to stay and work on the marriage or leave for the other person " and when they do leave they still give the LBS little tidbits of hope.
Once the LBS sees that no this isn't going to happen that their spouse is gone for good and start to moving on, WAS starts seeing "hey my ex is not there anymore" nor do they seem to care that I'm still with my OP and wait a minute they are not fixated on me, op or the marriage, now your dating moving on enjoying life without them, and now they are THE LBS because they are still in that same spot they moved to when they left the marriage
But once again this defies logic. I guess Im in black and white. If they wanted to leave, and chose to walk, then why can't they just be gone?
I would think that they would have enough sense to see what they had done and that changes the LBS life significantly, allowing them the freedom to make the same choices the WAS did in the first place!
Perhaps a level of emotional maturity is needed in order to execute a nice divorce in a mature manner. I just think that if you're not going to be with someone, then respect the other enough to not meddle in their lives. If you know you hurt that other person, but are firm this is what you need to do, then don't harass them or act as if you still have feelings for them. Give them the dignity to grieve on their own and leave them alone!This is not high school!
Honestly when I was in High School, I was seeing a guy that was basically Mr. Unavailable, and I was fall back girl. I got tired of it, and I then met my now XH. When I was off living my life with him, Mr. Unavailable started to pursue me! Man that made me mad. He didn't persist too long, but believe me when I was no longer fallback girl, he noticed.
This seems to be what happens with the WAS/LBS dynamic. Honestly I think it's a good dose of healthy reality for the WAS to become the LBS so they can come full circle for once!
This is exactly what happened to me. It took me forever to let go and come to the recognition that it was over, including an attempt at "permanently checking out". It was HORRIBLE.
Well, it's funny what a trip to Iraq did for me, in terms of finding my old mojo. I came back home and was totally ready to let go. (What are you going to do....send me to Iraq?)
My divorce took forever, as she looked for money in every conceivable way from me. I'm surpised I got away with the change in the ash tray of my car.
It continued today. S14 is supposed to be with me on Thursday. XW emailed me and told me he has orientation at his new school on Thursday, and a doctor's appointment in the afternoon. She wanted to know who would be taking him...her or me. Incredible bal*s on her part to schediule appointments on my days, and not even let me know about the orientation.
She seems to have this weird need to want to try and continue to control me, even though she wanted out in the worst way.
I'm pretty sure she never thought I might end up, more than back on my feet with a younger, successful, beatiful woman (Neither did I quite frankly!) who is crazy about me an I about her. This created a huge, weird dynamic. I hate you, go away,boss, but I need to control you
She on the other hand, is moving in with her boss who is 12 years older than her, into the house where he and his wife lived for 30 years before her untimely death during their affair.
There's a whole doctorate dissertation in psychology here!
Meanwhile I've made plans for him to go with my new wife to the beach on Thursday, with me meeting them on Friday night.
