I'm mainly trying to point out the basic "push/pull" laws of human dynamics, esp. romantic interpersonal relationships. It never ceases to amaze me how LBSs can't understand how their spouse's DUMPING them made them wake up, and begin to pursue them, and to learn to use that to their advantage (within a framework of legitimate self-improvement).
Starsky: Great post....I think its exactly where I find myself today. I do have one question though, and mind you I have read DB and DR but can't seem to find DR so its been a few years since I read it. What are the big guns? Are you talking about exposure? I know thats a grand debate here...my question is this, I don't know for sure about OM....I think there is (I know mind-reading but lets just say i've been here before and kind of know the signs) so as of this week i've decided to treat it that way. Which really is a change of approach for me, before I was gray at best and trying to be friendly....im pretty black right now and while cordial im not really shooting for friendly. Im not ready to snoop and get evidence yet...mainly b/c of the whole she may file in a month thing. If that happens then the entire dynamic changes in my mind and not only will my lawyer drag this out 18 months, i'll be more....for lack of a better word agressive in finding out info.
And i'd also like to share to all the other LBS out there. 6 years ago when we seperated due to PA my wife said the exact words that all of them seem to say....that to her it was over so it wasn't cheating. We all know its absurd...but surely at least logically we can all understand that they have to rationalize it in their head that way, if they don't then they have to look in the mirror and admit they're "bad" people going against their own morals. Its no different than someone who has always said divorce was bad for kids now saying that the kids will bounce back and it won't affect them...its pure rationalization...changing the story to fit just like happens in every other aspect.
Starsky and others.....ive got a few more questions that are unrelated so I won't post here but if you wouldnt mind checking my thread later i'd appreciate your input.
Carnac,
Not really sure what you're referring to by "big guns," since I didn't mention that, at least not in the quote you provided. I'll try to check out your thread, but if you want, I'm going to start hanging out more on my "Transparency" thread here, and can answer any questions you might have. I do think you should trust your gut, though.
I think I might be getting to the point where I would switch to the Starsky way very soon because I'm not sure how much more "plan A" I have in me at this point.
Just be sure to give it adequate time Arsene. I know that it seems like an eternity, but you have not been at this long at all. Don't quit just because you are in pain.
Each person has their own threshold for it though. Only you can decide.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Arsene: Im with Denver, don't give up too soon, im in the same boat wondering how much more I can take, wondering how long I have to let this go on...feeling like im going to explode any minute. And our situations are pretty similar, my wife clearly doesn't like being around me right now.
Get your strength from within, but also read back over Denver's thread or Starsky's thread, we're no different than they were and as well as they are doing today, they thought they couldnt take anymore a long time ago as well. I wrote my wife a nice long email just a couple of days ago.....its actually some of my writing and some cut and paste of different portions of peoples emails that i've seen on here, but its simply sitting in my drafts. I'll send it someday when I truly get to my last drop, but thats not today.
You have to decide when to switch, but make sure you've given yourself time enough to change first, and then that you've given those changes time enough to be seen.
KG, thank you for the long and thorough post. It was excellent, and really helps me understand your sitch better. Do you have your own thread that I can comment further? I do think your situation seems a little different than most.
Starsky
Starsky -
Thanks again for your interest in my sitch. I just started a new thread in Newcomers, since that is where I had mine in the past.
I look forward to hearing yours or anyone else's thoughts and advice.
Thanks!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
It doesn't help that from what I have learned (and I snooped A LOT at the beginning), OW is actually a nice person and my H always told her we were done and he would never come back since I was abusive to him. He has told me that OW pushes him to get along with me and if it wasn't for her, our R would be a lot worse and she wants to be a good influence in my kids lives. Cannot compete with that right now...
seems to me, if she were such a "nice person" she wouldn't be taking another woman's husband. so he told her you are "abusive" and that isn't true, right? yet she conveniently believes it, even though by now she should have realized he is lying. all the rest ("pushes him to get along with me" etc) is just - she is stealing what is yours, and giving you the crumbs.
Too- Thanks for the input.
We have had a rocky separation, with lots or arguing at times, so I have been a pretty mediocre DBer at best in that regard and it has just fueled and validated my Hs argument to OW.
From findings of my own (thru snooping), I do believe OW would have never considered my H if she thought our M had a chance. I think in most affairs the offending spouse has to lie to some degree to OP (and themselves) about R and spouse.
At the end of the day, it's my Hs perception of OW what matters. I had included this info about OW only to highlight the impossibility of competing with the affair, which is something that I always believed anyways, even if OP was a loser.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
It doesn't help that from what I have learned (and I snooped A LOT at the beginning), OW is actually a nice person and my H always told her we were done and he would never come back since I was abusive to him. He has told me that OW pushes him to get along with me and if it wasn't for her, our R would be a lot worse and she wants to be a good influence in my kids lives. Cannot compete with that right now...
seems to me, if she were such a "nice person" she wouldn't be taking another woman's husband. so he told her you are "abusive" and that isn't true, right? yet she conveniently believes it, even though by now she should have realized he is lying. all the rest ("pushes him to get along with me" etc) is just - she is stealing what is yours, and giving you the crumbs.
Yes, yes, YES!
A "nice person" doesn't get involved with a married man/woman.
A "nice person" has respect for marriage and what it stands for.
A "nice person" would never dream of breaking up a family.
If she is such a "nice person", shouldn't she have a plethora of single guys lining up to date her?
Just sayin'...
She can't keep the nice person mask on forever...
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
I think everyone needs to be reminded -- and fully ponder -- that "letting go" doesn't necessarily mean "giving up."
Sometimes, in fact, it is when true progress is made.
Just food for thought.
Starsky
Right.
A quote that I found in my DB notes that I thought appropriate for Arsene and Carnac... probably others too...
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone would understand if you fell apart,that's true strength"
Not sure who said it, but I cut and pasted it at some point.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I see you have 3 very young kids, and by my calculations, your youngest son was born in the midst of your H's affair?
Gaby's Mom - My husband left on Dec. 23rd - a day before our big Xmas Eve celebration with both our families - I had to call everyone and cancel that same night.
I was 8 weeks pregnant at the time (we had been trying to get pregnant all year and he knew it had happened), we had a two year old and a 1 year old already - both girls.
Two weeks prior, we had just moved in to a fixer upper we bought with plans to completely gut out and make our dream house.
Can you say bad timing? LOL...
And OW knew all of it since she was already two months into an EA with my H. I know I wouldn't get involved with a man in that sitch, but as we all know, some people do.
Sorry for the hijack, everyone.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
