Oh Gineen...I wish I had answers for what you ask. I'll take a stab at it.
Why do I act like I'm not special enough that he might worry about losing me? In short, I'm not. I wasn't special enough not to leave and I'm definitely not special enough to hold him here. He knows for a fact he won't lose me. I'm far too loyal...kind of like a faithful dog. Stupid.
He could walk away. He has walked away...several times. I don't believe that he would stay if he had a better offer. Again, I'm no one worth staying with. I'm not exciting, I'm not pretty, I'm not anything.
He knows he has me where he wants me. It's all his way or no way. No, he's never said that. His past actions over the last 23 years tell me that. When I tried to talk to him about my needs and what I wanted and it didn't mesh with his he walked away and wouldn't talk to me. Then, he would never allow me to bring it up again. He shut me down over and over.
No, it's not the kind of R I think we could have, it's just the one it is. For me, having him here is better than not. I'm totally lost without him here.
I know this sounds horribly pathetic, but it's honest. There aren't any other people in my life that know these things about me. As far as my RL friends are concerned, I'm a happy-go-lucky, eternally smiling person who will bend over backward for her friends. They have no idea what kind of mess is inside and I hope I can always keep it that way.
No platitudes are necessary, please don't blast me for feeling the way I do. I've been struggling mightily for my entire life with these feelings...they aren't going to go away. I've just gotten really good at managing them with therapy and journaling.
That's the best answer I can give you for your question.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
You are beautiful! I see your smiling face on my FB every day. What you need desperately is a really good counsellor to help you realize that. You owe this to yourself and to Marc. You are young and you have years and years ahead of you. Do you want to be miserable?
You can't possibly REALLY want the relationship you have. You HAVE to change it up.
I am not a believer in divorce but the day my ex walked out was the first day I started to think about a life without him. And I had so much fear. But the reality is not nearly like I feared. The reality is FANTASTIC!
You are young, and vibrant. You ARE what your friends think you are. And the right man will LOVE you and treat you as you deserve. But YOU have to realize you're worth it. And do what it takes.
I would be THRILLED if anything I said could help you. Because I care. Barb
You can't possibly REALLY want the relationship you have. You HAVE to change it up
I know. That is what I'm trying to figure out how to do. I want to change things. I'm tired of living scared all the time.
The email is not going well. I've been trying to write a simple one that just states that I need clarification of our R and a promise to talk with me if he is dissatisfied.
It sounds like a darned 1st grader wrote it. I keep erasing it.
UGH
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hon, I know where all of this low self-esteem comes from. I don't know if you want to counseling after or not, but it wasn't enough to get to the deep heart of the matter.
You can do fine without him there. You already have. Don't let anyone have that power over you. He is darn lucky to have you and you need to let him see that every day. He needs you, not the other way around. Don't fool yourself in thinking otherwise.
Take yourself back. If Gabe comes along fine, but if not, so be it. You don't need to keep carrying around the eggshells to walk on. Throw them away.
Hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yes - that's it. It was what we all needed to do after our marriages went bust. Rebuild ourselves, redefine our lives, be better role models for our children.
Your happiness needs to come from within, not from another person (one who is doing nothing to make you happy, really, or enhance your life).
I am complete. On my own. I don't need anyone to "complete" me and you don't either.
You have many wonderful friends. But if they're like my friends - they didn't come around as much when H was there. Because he brought them down. And made them uncomfortable and that alienated me too.
Not anymore. We do things together and often with others. We're always out making new friends too.
Imagine the life you REALLY want. Now start going for it one step at a time.
"It's all his way or no way. No, he's never said that. His past actions over the last 23 years tell me that. When I tried to talk to him about my needs and what I wanted and it didn't mesh with his he walked away and wouldn't talk to me. Then, he would never allow me to bring it up again. He shut me down over and over."
To me this sounds a bit familiar, passive aggressive emotional abuse. People who withold affection and blame you for your feelings and think you are trying to get the last word when all you are trying to do is get them to understand.
