a new perspective

[MrBond]

Ha! If he stalks you on FB, then you have the perfect vehicle. Take a few pictures of you and a few friends looking smokin' hot and having fun. If you just so happen to be grinding against another guy...oh well.

[strongerthanever]

Mr Bond you are too much

I was thinking earlier about the concept of being dim earlier and how it had nothing to do with my personal life. In contrast going dim on him has helped me detach do much that my life is BRIGHT! And that I shouldn't feel bad if sinew of my rays happen to land in his view.

IOW, nothing wrong with him seeing how happy I am in this new improved life, with or without him.

[strongerthanever]

Didn't expect another interaction so soon, but that's exactly what happened tonight...

H- hey can I take the girls to Cali with me
me- what you do on your time is your business
H- well I wanted to see if I could get them a lil early
me- No
H- Why do you have to be like that I understand its your week but I have not done anything wrong to you. Its not all the time I go home and I would really like for my family to see them
me- no one is stopping you from taking the girls to see their family. It just wont happen on my time
H- Im only asking for a few extra days that is all
me- stop asking and plan better
H- wow your something else Jamie. I awlays try and work with you and you cant even do this once. I hope you can think about it a lil bit more but thanks anyways
me- Not my responsibility to fix your problems. Leave me alone.
H- ok that's fine
H- what time can I get the girls on monday if you don't mind me asking


I didn't respond. He KNOWS I drop them off at daycare on Mondays at 8. And "I always try to work with you and you can't even do this once"? Um no you don't, stop trying to guilt trip me, you aren't manipulating me anymore.

[strongerthanever]

There have been some dynamic shifts in the past month that really make me want to pause and reflect.

I release the desire to see him change. I can not control him, nor do I wish to. I do not regret opening up to H, as having a compassionate heart is a rewarding way to live, I have found. This sitch has allowed me to work on some very selfish views that I had. My growth is for me only, not in hopes of creating a chain reaction in my M.

I have changed so much that the rollar coaster ride is just not attractive at all anymore. Not at all. I don't "stay dark" in attempts to make him miss me, I avoid unhealthy interactions. Right now, H is full of unhealthy interactions.

His issues are just that-his. I'm not judging him for his "junk" that he is working through or where he is on his path. I have simply felt the need to leave him alone on his path as it is destructive for my well being.

There is a crack in the door for reconciliation, but it would come on the heels of his reflection and growth-not any sooner.

DB has allowed me to focus on my own actions, find compassion and save my sanity. Whether or not the M will be saved is unknown, but most importantly I am a better person because of it.

[timbits]

honestly, bte, i hope to be in your mindframe soon. i still feel like i want h to change, but you're right. it's selfish thinking. i want him to change for me, not for him. if he's honestly happier being the way he is now, then it would be selfish of me to want anything else.

still is difficult to get that through my head, though.

[strongerthanever]

Craziness. This is the third day in a row H has contacted me..

Now he wants permission to pick up the girls from my house Monday morning vs me driving them to daycare and him picking them up there.

I said yes and came up for a reason that it would benefit me. The truth is I'm curious to see how he is going to act. Then again, it could be nothing and he could have his own unknown reasons that this arrangement would work out for him. expectations are set to 0. In fact I'm already thinking of what to do once he leaves as his visit will not be the main event of the day.

He later sent me a text asking for a pic if the girls. he never does this, but I didn't respond.

[strongerthanever]

I did good. H came to pick up our daughters this morning. I was strategic in that the front door was unlocked and both girls were sleep in my bed. I woke up to him in the room, looking at us in the bed together, a scene he would not want to walk away from.

Hook line and sinker. I could tell he wanted to crawl in with us. He kept looking at me in my pjs commenting on how good I looked. He kept grabbing and flirting with me. I stayed "sleepy" and focused on the girls.

He came up with excuses to stay...wanting a drink, needing to use the bathroom...looking at me and just starting.

The girls didn't want to go at all. I could see his sadness. And then something weird, he stutterer. Not like a mix up of words, I mean like a brain injury stutter. I was giving the girls kisses and he just couldn't get his words out.

He developed this back in March, after I walked in on him and ow. It lasted a month, and then went away. His doc said it was a psychological block from stress. Interesting that in that moment this morning it came back.

All in all I did good. Now to get use to being without my girls for the week

[strongerthanever]

Oh man today jacked me up. I was doing sooooo good with acceptance and just being happy and in the moment.

Seeing H this morning brought to life so many emotions. Love, for the man I still believe in, anger towards the way I allowed myself to be treated, sadness for all the times he became my enemy when I needed my best friend.

I don't know what these mean as I'm too "in the moment" to have a different perspective. Lord you would think after 8 months of living apart these emotions would have been replaced by now.

I don't know what anything means, it's just crazy how affected I am from a simple 15 min interaction. What I do know is I need to step back. These emotions need to be addressed, but ate telling me something here. these aren't healthy emotions to be hanging onto. I want my happiness back!

Jamie has some more detaching and sitting still to do, I do believe.

[strongerthanever]

Ah decisions....

If I don't hand in any documents to the court by Friday then the case will be dropped and closed. They need our parenting plan financial statement...stuff like that. H filled, but had not done anything more. We had our initial status conference July 2, said we had 45 days to get things started or it would be closed.

Rock and a hard place.

I can see myself not doing anything and be fine moving forward in "limbo" status. But honestly on the other hand I'm ready to move forward, with or without him. A big part of me screams that I deserve so much more than limbo status. I can honestly say that I would not have any regrets should my divorce go through. I have lived on my own for 8 months, have truly grown as a person, tried to reach out and heal the R...no regrets. I know H growth is not on my same time line, I totally get that. But I can't live my life waiting for a circumstance to happen that I have no control of.

There's one fact that can't be debated-my daughters future stability is questionable. H is already homeless, he will be out of the military in 2 months. I will at least need a court order mandating he pay child support, and at least full temp custody for me until he has stability. But I can't get these if the case is closed.

I'm thinking I could file some, not all of the paperwork, just to keep it open, then file for temp orders. Ugh, so glad I have Zumba tonight.

[strongerthanever]

Ah decisions....

If I don't hand in any documents to the court by Friday then the case will be dropped and closed. They need our parenting plan financial statement...stuff like that. H filled, but had not done anything more. We had our initial status conference July 2, said we had 45 days to get things started or it would be closed.

Rock and a hard place.

I can see myself not doing anything and be fine moving forward in "limbo" status. But honestly on the other hand I'm ready to move forward, with or without him. A big part of me screams that I deserve so much more than limbo status. I can honestly say that I would not have any regrets should my divorce go through. I have lived on my own for 8 months, have truly grown as a person, tried to reach out and heal the R...no regrets. I know H growth is not on my same time line, I totally get that. But I can't live my life waiting for a circumstance to happen that I have no control of.

There's one fact that can't be debated-my daughters future stability is questionable. H is already homeless, he will be out of the military in 2 months. I will at least need a court order mandating he pay child support, and at least full temp custody for me until he has stability. But I can't get these if the case is closed.

I'm thinking I could file some, not all of the paperwork, just to keep it open, then file for temp orders. Ugh, so glad I have Zumba tonight.