My thought is that if you can do some different things like what BK suggested and stay real and true to yourself then give it a try and see if it has a positive effect.
But I will not be fake or inauthentic because that feels controlling and manipulative to me and if my waw ever re-engages I want it to be her decision based on who I really am.
However, just for you Ro and Bklyn, I'll take the advice to heart and look for real things I do respect about H and convey that and report back.
We may be at an impasse though. My H seems to really need to feel needed - in ways that I don't really need him, and I really need an emotional connection - which H refuses to or is incapable of providing. I might win him back and not want what I got. I'd rather if he comes back it's because he finally feels the lack of emotional connection and decides he wants to learn how to build it.
I can totally relate to the bolded part. It's been like that our whole relationship. I think I didn't need him in ways he wanted to feel needed, but I also didn't let him feel needed in the ways I did need him. (Did that make any sense? LOL)
I don't want you to try to become someone you're not. Lord knows there's too much of that going on in this world as it is. LOL I was just agreeing that for me, letting my guard down (even if just a little), is one of the things that was missing in my M.
H still acting like a control freak. (journaling here...) I bought two boxes for S14 when he cleaned out his room and was dismayed to find the just-right-size boxes were $7 each. Since S14 didn't use both, I have kept one in pristine condition to return.
S12 sharpened a pocketknife and wanted to test it on the box and I said no, that box cost $7 and I plan to return it.
H came down from upstairs to get in the middle of this conversation between me and s12. "What? You paid how much? what kind of box? Where is it? Let me see it. Why did you pay $7 for a box?" omg. I was calm but a little frustrated and just said "I paid $7, which I feel was too much, and I'm going to return it." again.
BTW H made a funny the other day that reminded me one of my favorite things about him. I have that meetup group for guitar, and talked to H about it on our walk this weekend. He said I should combine a bunch of meetup group ideas to save money on group fees.
[Just overheard H telling S14's friend "my life [censored]", nice.]
anyway, his meetup group idea was playing guitar while only talking in Japanese and then walking dogs together. He does crack me up!
So, flash forward back to today. H brought his friend over because they were getting his car from the shop together, and friend asked me about my meetup group, so h must have told him about it. Friend wanted to know how it was going, and what the male to female ratio is. It's pretty good; so far I'm the only female that's made it to a meeting. I think that's just the demographics of the hobby though; the hiking one has more like 50/50. I felt good to have this thing that's just mine to talk about with them that they appeared to be curious about.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My H seems to really need to feel needed - in ways that I don't really need him.
This is totally where I think we as the LBS have an opening. If we wait for them to come back because of the emotional connection I think we will be waiting a very long time.
I think we have to help them feel needed and wanted without giving up our dignity. In some ways I look at it like I would rather be wrong and happy. Me over complimenting my H on his finanaces is silly to me but to him, he really liked it so why shouldnt I do that. Its the language he speaks.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I agree you can't wait for him to come back because he misses the emotional connection -- he doesn't know what that is or what the value is so he's not going to miss it. I think Brooklyn is right that you need to fill the love tank first before you get anything back. I also think your strategy of taking walks together is a good one. Men typically don't like to just sit and talk, but if you can engage in an activity while you talk it loosens things up. I'm sure you already know all of that, mainly just catching up on how things are going.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Why do I want to win back an H that doesn't miss or want an emotional connection?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
That's an honest question. When I started dbing there was an undeniable element of wanting to win this thing. 14 months later I feel more like I'm letting H be who he is, and not trying to control it. I've made all kinds of reasonable accommodations and efforts to be the best person and wife I can be in the situation. But I can't ignore the fact that he doesn't WANT to be with me.
I keep thinking about the way he just plain wasn't there when I had a cancer scare, literally, he went to install a computer at another woman's house. And the way he teased me for crying when my uncle died. I don't want to have to always look elsewhere than my husband for an emotional connection - isn't that what a marriage is?
He's shown literally zero interest in exploring what went wrong in our marriage or trying to fix it, for over a year. He hasn't touched me in any way, for over a year. What am I waiting for?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Zingers. BklynMom suggested I note them here so I am. The funny thing is like a dream where things make sense and then you wake up and realize they didn't really, these zingers are like a fantasy where I think I say something insightful and clever and everything changes, like in the movies. But when I noted them down I could barely even verbalize them and they're not really that great.
For the purpose of journaling them and seeing what I can learn about myself, here are three from yesterday's commute.
"You had a whole YEAR to think about working on our marriage and you didn't do one single thing, so now I don't see any chance of reconciling."
"If a vague feeling of discomfort was all it took for you to want out of your marriage vows they must not have been very strong for you in the first place."
"You seem to get more fulfillment out of [friend] and [friend's 15yo son] than your own family and your own kids."
What this says about me: I wish he seemed to feel more guilty or more bad about what feels to me like abandonment of wife and son, abdication of responsibilities. I would like to say something that makes him realize that and feel bad. Instead these things, said with the bitterness and emphasized words that play in my head, would make him feel more justified and less connected to me. Angry. Annoyed. Less inclined rather than more inclined to go out of his way to help me cope with the financial and emotional loss of our marriage.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I think the "waiting" part is a sign of still holding on. You're doing so many good things to move on with your life. The meet-up groups, the swimming, looking at your self to improve...These are all great examples of you actually moving on with life.
So what do you think you're waiting for? Are you making your H do all the work for the D since its what he wants and not you? Are you waiting to see if he changes his mind and recommits to your M? Are you managing your time to prepare a new life strategy for yourself as a single mom? I don't see anything really wrong with any of these, especially since you are doing so good at moving on with your own interests.
It was probably 18 or 19 months before my W and I started touching each other again. Its still on a limited basis but its better than before. Each of us have our own internal clock on these sitch's.
You're doing so many great things for yourself and your boys. And it ultimately comes back to the info we had when this started. We can do all the right things and our WAS may still decide to leave. But you're better than you were before regardless of their choices.
((Ad))
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
It's pretty good; so far I'm the only female that's made it to a meeting. I think that's just the demographics of the hobby though; the hiking one has more like 50/50. I felt good to have this thing that's just mine to talk about with them that they appeared to be curious about.