Either way though, I simply could not do it as long as WAS had an OP as active part of his or her life.
See? We do have some things in common. Me neither.
Hahaha... yeah I know we do. Always did. The difference in our opinions always had to do with me knowing that I could not pull the big trigger too soon and that I had to be extremely careful not to appear that I had reverted to old behaviors. That was tough for me to balance.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
My IC followed MWD's principles and initially encouraged me to flirt and "compete" with OW. It didn't work...but it did keep H "in limbo" and seeing a better me than he'd seen for several months. I think it was worth a try for a period of time and better than turning into a hostile witch.
But, very hard to compete and I needed to have a timeline in my head for how long I'd try it. The advice from some other books talked about how your health as the LBS, especially for women, can decline rapidly while you live in this type of situation.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
MESSAGE FOR STARSKY309, JTB, SANDI2, DENVER, HARRIER AND OTHERS. SORRY TO HIGHJACK. COULD FOLKS POINT THIS OUT TO THESE FOLKS?
I'LL BE GOING OFFLINE. MY W FOUND THE FORUM AND SOME OF MY POSTS. IT WAS A SHOCK TO ME AND A ROUGH WEEKEND BUT SPARKED SOME GOOD CONVERSATIONS. I'M GOING TO BE FINE. BUT OBVIOUSLY I'D RATHER THAT SHE DIDN'T GO BACK AND RE-READ THE POSTS. I JUST NEED TO GO OUT ON MY OWN FOR AWHILE. BUT I COULDN'T HEAD OUT WITHOUT SAYING THANKS. AND THANKS TO MWD FOR RUNNING A GREAT ONLINE COMMUNITY. I HAVE GROWN AND LEARNED A LOT. I'M A BETTER MAN, FATHER, AND HUSBAND FOR IT. WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS A GREAT AND KIND SERVICE. I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST. sl
Still Learning
My wife found me on 5 different internet forums.
She took the advice here and installed a keylogger on our home computer.
It eventually killed the computer and I eventually found out.
Do what you need to do for you.
At some point I eventually decided that it did not matter if she read what I wrote here or not.
It is a form of pursuit by her after YOU.
Please protect yourself and do not write anything that can be used against you in court.
Thanks Denver. That is sound advice and It looks like something I can do right now.
BTW, my friend just informed me that she ha received my order today (DR) so I'll be reading it starting tomorrow.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I don't ever see a time when pursuit can be justified, as long as their is still an active affair going on. If "too much distance" was indeed a prior marital complaint, then the betrayed spouse can (and should) address that when the affair ends and they enter the Piecing phase.
Before my bomb, I would have agreed with this 100%.
Yet, my H's affair and our separation has now lasted 20 months. He has not ONCE hesitated or expressed doubts about his decision. OW is his soulmate, blah, blah, blah and he just does not see us ever reconnecting romantically. He says OW makes him happy and they are good for each other. Their affair is only getting stronger now that they are public and very serious in their R.
One of the main issues in our M was that my H felt unapprecaited and abandoned. We also fought a lot and I had a short fuse. His needs were NOT met by me and OW has done a great job at meeting them.
So if I wait to address the distance issue until the affair ends, I might never get a chance, since that R is only getting stronger every day. In other words, if I just detach and go dim, then he will never see changes and get to believe that I can meet his needs better than OW. His decisions to leave will be validated by my "doing more of the same" by keeping my distance.
From what I understood in this thread, Denver's W returned when she trusted him and came to believe he could meet her needs better than OM.
So my dilemma is how would I be able to show a stubborn, resolute H that our M can work by going dark and detaching, thus leaving OW to continue fulfilling his every need.
On the other hand, I am not saying I will let him come and go as he pleases or that I would sleep with him if he wanted to. That is a personal boundary I would enforce. So where do I draw the line and how can I reconnect?
I hope I am making sense here. This is something I have been struggling with for a long time - boundaries vs. doing something different. I am glad it's being addressed in this great thread and I would welcome any feedback or further opinions anyone else may have.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
keep-going...you could have described my sitch with what you wrote above. of course there are some differences but overall, my struggle feels quite similar..going dark and leaving OW to fulfill his needs (because i too was not fulfilling his), boundaries vs doing something different.
I await feedback to your post and look forward to the opinions.
hope you are well
((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Sometimes people have exit affairs. They are done.
This is so true, and underscores the importance of getting a life, becoming strong and happy for one's self and moving forward "as if" to build the life YOU want.
It is so easy to get bogged down in trying to figure out the mystery of whether a WAS is having some kind of melt down and whether/when it will end. We can get trapped in hyper-analyzing what went down, why and how, thinking we'll somehow figure it out.
Only the passage of time will provide the answer. We can either do our best to be our best once that time has passed and we have our answer, or we can flounder never knowing because all our obsessing and anlyzing actively interferes with the answer becoming clear, if that makes sense.
me 45 H 46 T 5 M 2.5 BD Sept 6 2011 OW Sept 8 2011 Threw him out Sept 8 2011
Yet, my H's affair and our separation has now lasted 20 months. He has not ONCE hesitated or expressed doubts about his decision. OW is his soulmate, blah, blah, blah and he just does not see us ever reconnecting romantically. He says OW makes him happy and they are good for each other. Their affair is only getting stronger now that they are public and very serious in their R.
And yet you still want to pursue him (short of ML with him) . . . why?
I think you need to ask yourself, Why do you want to be with someone who -- for over a year and a half -- has demonstrated by way of an unrepentant long-term affair that he doesn't want to be with YOU?
Each of us has to make our own decision about how long to "stand," and reasonable people can (and do) disagree about how long that can be and still be healthy. But even the most die-hard long-term "stander"/MLC types usually distance themselves -- often separating themselves completely -- from teh affairing/MLCing spouse, and they don't continue to pursue after 3-6 months or so.
I'm not familiar with your sitch, KG -- have you done any reading and self-work on co-dependency through your ordeal?
