As it's difficult to get around to everyone's thread, and since this one contains links to my own story, I think I'm going to try hanging out on this thread for awhile. I'd be happy to answer any questions anyone has, with just a couple of requests.
I do NOT want to get into a debate with anyone about my approach. It is what worked for me -- nothing more, nothing less. I'm not going to recommend anything that's anti-DB, and in fact many of MWD's techniques have helped me greatly. I just don't want the meta "noise" to distract from trying to help anyone with their sitch.
I, in turn, will be 100% honest with you, warts and all. Maybe the mistakes I made can help someone else avoid them, or at least speed up their process a little bit, and hopefully the successes I had will be of help to someone.
Absolutely. But many, most, times, they are leaving the LBS, or choosing an OP, because there has been something missing in their R with LBS. So they probably don't fear losing the LBS at the beginning. In those cases, gotta give them something to fear losing.
I don't disagree. I'm in favor of a short "Plan A" before going to bigger guns, esp. if you were legitimately an ass prior to the wayward spouse's infidelity.
Starsky, This is the post I was referring too earlier. I was legitimately an ass lots of times in my marriage...i'll accept that. But you say a short plan A before going to the bigger guns....what are you referring to?
Thank you starsky for your openess and honesty and support you have given. You have helped me dig deeper
Busting
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Absolutely. But many, most, times, they are leaving the LBS, or choosing an OP, because there has been something missing in their R with LBS. So they probably don't fear losing the LBS at the beginning. In those cases, gotta give them something to fear losing.
I don't disagree. I'm in favor of a short "Plan A" before going to bigger guns, esp. if you were legitimately an ass prior to the wayward spouse's infidelity.
Starsky, This is the post I was referring too earlier. I was legitimately an ass lots of times in my marriage...i'll accept that. But you say a short plan A before going to the bigger guns....what are you referring to?
"Plan B" (see Harley), or MWD's "After the Last Resort Technique." Pitch black (unless there are kids, in which case you'll have to go "dim" and not "dark"), separate yourself from the situation, hard boundaries (legal, financial, emotional, physical), threat of D if they don't turn away from the path they are on.
I haven't read your whole sitch, but I did read your first few posts when you joined here. Are you sure your wife isn't now genuinely in love with this guy? As you yourself stated, she doesn't seem like the usual confused/angry/bitter wayward we see here.
Absolutely. But many, most, times, they are leaving the LBS, or choosing an OP, because there has been something missing in their R with LBS. So they probably don't fear losing the LBS at the beginning. In those cases, gotta give them something to fear losing.
I don't disagree. I'm in favor of a short "Plan A" before going to bigger guns, esp. if you were legitimately an ass prior to the wayward spouse's infidelity.
Starsky, This is the post I was referring too earlier. I was legitimately an ass lots of times in my marriage...i'll accept that. But you say a short plan A before going to the bigger guns....what are you referring to?
Carnac, the main point in the above is to have a period of time when your wayward spouse can see "the new you" before you draw any of the hardest boundaries. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a believer in some BASIC immediate boundaries (no screaming at you -- come back when you're ready to have a civil conversation; no texting OM right in front of you; no texting/sexting/phoning OM from inside the marital home, etc.), but you can't lay out an ultimatum to someone who thinks they don't want to be with you anyway.
I mean, think about it: you say "Well, I WILL NOT LIVE IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE! If you want to come back to the marriage, I'll need to have X, Y and Z from you!" If you haven't demonstrated any improvements, and if your wife is still happily affairing, she's going to say "Who said anything about wanting to come back to the marriage???"
