It has been awhile but I am happier than ever.

[sgctxok]

Hi sophie -

I rarely post very personally ... but here goes. Some of it you might like and some of it you won't. I'm not posting from judgment but from my PERSONAL experience, not as a moderator. Since I'm going to go 'on and on' , it might take a couple of posts due to my computer.

I came here 2 relationships after my divorce.

I was married 10 years with 2 children. I left my marriage due to abuse, and no excuse for him, but I learned my own faults after these other two relationships.


My bottom line after all this spillage is it is unequivocably TOO SOON. And I seriously get where I think you are or might be.


And after years of moderating mostly 'on', maybe a year off....I get where your dedicated posters are coming from.



My focus is to save you pain. Next post, because my computer doesn't show much.

[sgctxok]

Ok -- I remember reading SOME of your old posts and I checked back.

You have to know a good deal of your vets here that care so much and so strongly...are old enough to be your parent or grandparent. Not that that should matter, but it might make a difference about the pain that is felt. Many posters feel your pain or a pain about what you are posting. It makes them relive some of the things they went through and the feelings they had when they were giving you advice to begin with and the hopes they had for you.


So you are young and have only been married 2-3 years, and things are or have fallen apart.

When you are my age .. and I'm not going to spill THAT ... but old enough to be your mom ...You may well wish your marriage worked out and later relationships didn't.


Ok, I will get to your REAL question. (I told you I was going to say a LOT)

[sgctxok]

So I've had a FEW relationships since my marriage.


The first one was with a guy whose daughter was friends with my daughters. It was passionate and everything I thought my marriage wasn't. I thought he was my soulmate. The girls' mother wasn't present in the mothering dept. I HATE TO AGREE WITH STARSKY...but he was right here. The brain chemicals took over a bit. My ex was a bit abusive, has never doen the right healing work. If he HAD...it might not have worked because right after the divorce, I was immediately involved in this 'feelgood' relationship. It ended inevitable due to: my expectations due to his expectations and his character. We stayed GREAT friends, he became a brother, his kids my kids/or nieces/nephews. He eventually passed away. His kids and exwife and I are still pretty closed. Next post.

[sgctxok]

I apologize for the multiple posts here.

After that breakup but ongoing friendship. I dated randomly for a few months, nothing very wild. It would have SEEMED wild to my exH, and probably set him off. I see both sides of the stories I see here.

Next 'relationship' lasted 4 years. Turned out to be off and on and not really a relationship. I'm going to say he was a player but gave me a first class mirror to myself. At the end I ended up on the board shortly after being suicidal. I read a LOT of relationship books. I even called for therapy from another famous author. Had an hour session, her only goal was for more sessions.

I read Divorce Busting in a bookstore. (After my divorce I immediately started back to school to get my degree--good choice.) I hopped on this site. My first poster: Australian/Mick. Other great folks: phoenix and inmyplace. KentS. gbon. Jamesjohn. Tia. And mostly: Michele herself.


Then I went to a Keeping Love Alive seminar live with Michele. I attended with another DBer.

All of this saved my life, helped me turn my situation around, even got the 'guy' back. But realized, this wasn't a relationship, it was.... a lot of other things that you might be experiencing now or will shortly.


more....

[sgctxok]

Concurrently, I had the front row seat to one of my best girlfriend's situation.


She divorced an a$$ (in both of our humble opinions) who didn't want to be a father. They had 3 kids together and divorced. He really didn't pay much alimony (neither did my ex), and only visited one kid at a time. (my ex eventually didn't visit either, something I would never guess....that's a separate story and I'll leave it out)

She didn't date. Basically every for about maybe 10 years. I did. I thought I had moved on better.

Later...we both meet men we will stay with.

We both dated each of these men for awhile ... a LONG while...before commitment.

We have had and learned to build our skillsets in these relationships.

She did not put her friends, family (kids, parents, brothers and sisters, coworkers) through hell during this time.

I did.


I think I remember you don't have kids yet. But there are lots of ways to build your relationship skillsets....and dating is actually the harder way. I don't judge you doing it....I did it myself.



I will tell you in the relationship with the love of my life....lack of skillset for both of us led to a breakup. When we got back together I had recently got in touch with an old bf, and that conversation went on for about 2 months. HUGE A$$ MISTAKE.


IF YOU CAN...and we can HELP:

Build your skillset. You might be too young not to go out at all....but keep it very light and casual mno matter how you feel. It takes YEARS to know someone. Don't get serious for another year. Seriously don't.


Be kind to your ex. I wish I had been kinder. If he had been able to resolve his stuff (we divorced in 1994); it would have been the best thing.


Kindness is seriously major. Treat kindness to your ex more importantly than involvement with the new guy. Even if he doesn't deserve it. I don't mean do his laundry. I mean respect.


Like a compliment will help a woman heal...RESPECT helps a man heal. I would have done that differently. I wouldn't have had that first relationship so quickly. And I love that (first relationship) so dearly (he's the one that passed). But life in general would have went better if I had waited.


Just think about it. No judgment.

[sgctxok]

as an aside --


This first guy after my divorce actually went back to college together late in life. And yet, if we were getting an ice cream together, he'd get one for him, and as an afterthought ask me if I want one. (That's just a description, not about ice cream)

The man I am with now, BUILT our compatibilities together. My partner now treats me like a queen. For 11 years now, with a 4 month blip years ago --- which made us realize we will not do without each other.



Hey --- what would waiting 4 months look like for you?

[jks]

Amazing stuff here. I don't think it could have been said any better. Thank you, sg.

[Cadet]

So part of what I wrote on the other thread is due to all of the above also.

Good stuff SG.

I totally agree with you, as SD is around the same age as my daughter.

I think she needs to look within, it can be done during a relationship but sometimes that does muddy the water and make it harder to see.

[sgctxok]

I wish I could do some of it over again...for my kids sake.

I have a daughter SD's age too.