Barn's burnt down--

[jbnati]

labug,I hear you on just being tired. However, after looking over the last few posts, it looks like you have two viable choices: either move the D forward or continue standing. I would agree with BK, your H is not capable of having a productive R conversation right now.

Focus on the part of your life that's great, put the crappy part in the corner for now.

[labug]

Yes, jb, I do have 2 choices and I've always heard and probably even said, a decision based on emotion is probably not the best choice.

Thanks for stopping by.

[NLW]

Hi labug,
I feel I know just what you're going through at the moment.

I too was here:
"I do have the expectation (yes, it is an expectation) that his not filing means that there is hope. I'm now close to asking for clarification on that."

And my H, like yours, has been making so many steps towards being around us more in a normal way lately.

But then he announced he was going on a trip OS and sure enough next day he told me I'd be served with D papers while he was away.

So like (the new) him to do it this way.

Where we live, all that's required is an application for D and then one month later, it is granted. So by the time he returns from his holiday with OW (to a number of destinations in the world that have significance to our family) it will all be done.

I had the R talk - acted on my emotions - just wanted to know before he left why he had to D me so fast. It was exactly one year to the day that he separated from me that he applied. The first available opportunity.

He just said it was because I'd said to him once during separation that 'You are still my H and I am still your W" and he didn't want to hear that any more. He said he'd made his decision (to D me) and he needed to move on. He didn't want to talk any more. (I didn't point out that he still seemed to want to see me every day and talk on the phone..)

All the standard script. No news there.

So I'd advise not trying to discuss it with him. There is no point. It just serves to reinforce his belief that he's doing the right thing.

As you know, you need to be prepared for a bumpy ride. I am astounded by how much his action (of applying for D) has thrown me back into a state of utter despair. I am depressed, crying, and so sad.

And I knew this was coming. I've been living as if divorced for a year; and yet I still didn't believe it.

And like you, I still can't believe that this is happening.

I guess it just takes a bit longer to sink in.

At the moment I'm finding some relief in thinking that H is dead. Is that terrible/stupid?

Trying to thought-stop, in a way, by tricking myself into believing that he has died and that's why he's no longer around.

I can do this OK at the moment because he is physically not here for 3 weeks or so. Hoping by the time he returns I'll be strong enough to not want to have anything to do with him; that he really will be 'dead' to me.

OTOH, maybe it's the first sign that I'm just going mad.

But anyway, I'm with you in this, believe me. I have my arm around your shoulder and we're holding each other up.

[adinva]

Hi LaBug - sorry that you're feeling tired and down. I've notice my feelings cycle around, sometimes really angry, sometimes this faithful love, sometimes apathy, and sometimes why don't we just get this over with.

I don't know how long standing without progress makes sense, but it's a very personal decision and different for each of us. I don't know how long it's fair to yourself to sustain yourself with tiny crumbs of affection or even civility. I don't know enough about depression to know if your H is going to wake up without some impetus.

You've put all this time to great use, and knowing you if you put more time into it you'll reach ever higher levels of awareness and understanding. You don't have to decide anything right this minute.

Maybe the stress of traveling has you a bit down? Do something special to take care of yourself, and hang in there, and keep journaling. We'll be here for you no matter what!

[vera be fierce]

Bug I think everyone here goes through this cycle. You are not alone. I think BkMom's idea of thinking about your positives could be comforting to you now and help you bring your focus back on the light you have shining on you.

(( ))

[Accuray]

Wish I could get you out on a bike ride Bug, think it would be good for both of us. Hang in there, we are all behind you.

Accuray

[needgrace]

and I feel just this way:

- wow, i am still so afraid of showing my true vulnerability and weaknesses, that even on line, where there is a semblance of anonymity, i still manage to give this impression of being really strong and capable - and possibly create a situation where i don't get the help i truly need because i hide behind this facade ( and all of a sudden, i see how i did that since i was a very young child - staying bold and defiant no matter how much i was hurting inside - groan groan - it's still like that, after all this work? wtf? when does this effing end?)

dear bug, that quote is such an amazing piece of self awareness - that you defend yourself by being the bold and defiant one.. and yet here you are admitting that to us openly and expressing your sadness.. instead of covering it up with strength..

i am so sorry that you are hurting but i wonder if by feeling your sadness you keep the black dog away.. i heard a C say once that depression is turning off your feelings,it is like a single water spigot, we think we can turn off the negative feelings, but don't realize that we have turned off the positive feelings as well.

we are all a work in progress and always will be, i think..and wouldn't it be boring not to be?...

i think zig is right on...

this is just another layer to your growth and healing... i don't know how many times on this journey so far that i have felt like i was drowning right before i took another big step..

growing pains..

(((((( )))))))

[labug]

Thank you all, it really does help to come here and vent and get things off my chest. I feel better today and am thankful for the support system I have.

I had lunch with a friend yesterday, dinner with other friends and all of you to chat with during the day. How great is that?

About the vulnerability quote from zig, I'm going to share this because it shows the lengths we(I) go to in order to hide that soft spot. I woke up this morning feeling embarrassed and needy that I had shared that. I felt I should be stronger, that I should be able to get through this on my own.

But I quieted that voice because sometimes I do need help and that's OK. One of the reasons my marriage fell apart is that I couldn't say "I'm drowning here, I need help." I didn't seek help for my depression because I thought I could fix it on my own.

Sometimes trying to be strong can be detrimental.

I'm feeling much better today but I know I have to work to keep this so back to my GALs. I need some discipline which has never been my strong suit. I'm great in a pinch or in that push to the finish but doing routine things daily, not so much. Something for me to improve.

Another piece of this I didn't add yesterday, part of our trip to Chicago was to attend a conference about S(19)'s health issue. It was 2.5 days of constant information and I came away overwhelmed and overstimulated. Those days also had a lot of emotion, listening to the keynote speaker I almost had to step out as some of her life mirrored what we have struggled with with S(19). But hers was a message of hope and that was good.

I had lots of stuff to work through from that.

I also completed the major milestone in a project at work this week. All that's left is an assessment and my workplace will gain a national designation.

So it's a lot and my T often has to remind me of these things that I tend to ignore that add to the stress of life. Not to recognize them in a prideful way but to note them and give them their due.

So I'm getting up from where I stumbled, brushing myself off and forging forward on this crazy path.

[labug]

One last thought, I'm coming to the realization that I'm not OK with having a husband in name only. It's been almost 18 months and while I don't think I've wasted that time or that I would be any further in recovery had we D earlier, I'm not quite sure what is to be gained by standing.

I have a good life.
I have 2 great sons.
I have loving friends.
I have a great house easily affordable on my income.
I live in a lovely community that I enjoy.
I have a job I enjoy going to where I work with fun, knowledgeable, supportive people.
I am healthy.
I have many interests.
I'm not getting younger. It's a fact.

I want someone to enjoy all of the above with me. If my H is not stepping up to that then I have a decision to make.

When I felt the heartache again this week, I thought "I'm tired of this."

And today it's not as scary as it was yesterday.

I'm not going to run out today or next week and change anything but the wind is shifting.

[bustingout]

Hi labug, I am happy to read you are sounding more positive..and gnat you have kept the black dog at bay.

Maybe this is the start of bring DONE and dropping the rope as the vets speak about.

Just let it come to you.

You have been a source of strength to me since I joined.

((( )))