DB Bootcamp - NASCARDaddy, ericsmant2 and various

[NASCARDaddy]

However, I think they were willing to give me a chance because I graduated in the top 10% of my class in undergrad, and had letters of recommendation from the head of the humanities department at the university I was applying to, the associate dean of faculty affairs at my law school, and another law professor who used to work at the Justice Department as their top litigator and who used to clerk for the chief justice of the Supreme Court.

[NASCARDaddy]

Wow, depression is really setting in big time this morning. She is all that I can think about right now and even the things I normally do to get her off of my mind aren't working. I am just so afraid that we will not be able to work things out. I am more afraid that if we can't work things out that I will backslide and go back to old behaviors.

I have been keeping a journal since the start of the month and as I was writing in it I began to see that I have not been trying to change and do 180s I was trying to get her to see that I was doing 180s. For example, my therapist gave me a packet to work on about identifying sources of anger and strategies to deal with anger and the only time I have worked on it is when I have been at our house with my kids. Also I had put pornography filters on our home computer, but not on my laptop. And I was getting upset that she had posted profiles on dating websites but I had posted a few myself "just in case."

So last night I downloaded anti-pornography software to my laptop, canceled all my dating profiles and set the anti porn software to block dating websites as well, and then had my brother password lock the filter so that I can't override it. Lastly I located a pornography 12 step program in my area that is run by my church that I am going to start attending next Wednesday. I have not told her anything about any of this, the closet I have gotten is to tell her that I can have the kids over to the house any night but Wednesdays.

The reason I am afraid to lose her is that she inspires me. She believed that I was a better man then I thought I was and pushed me to become that better man. This is one of the many reasons that I love and respect her and don't want to lose her. Of course I fell short of the mark and hurt her. That is all she can see right now and I am scared that is all she will ever be able to see again.

In my mind the ironic thing is that she has been waiting for me to see the light and change and now that I am actually in that place she says that it is too late. I guess that the only thing that I can do is make the changes and hope that she comes around. If not then I will be that much of a better husband when or if another woman comes along.

[NASCARDaddy]

And yeah, I am pretty unsure of my dating skills if it comes to that. My W is the only person that I ever seriously dated and we met online so I didn't even have to overcome my shyness to find her. I feel like if I lose my W I will never be able to find someone else and I will end up alone. And that is a pretty frightening prospect for me.

[adinva]

Then your first job is to be someone who stands on his own as a valuable and good man. Forget your W or doing it for her, or for the next woman in your life. You need to be a whole person happy and content with yourself or you will not be a healthy addition to anyone else in a relationship. Search for all the things you don't like about yourself and fix them for yourself. Use this horrible circumstance with your W as the spark that sets off amazing life change for you and makes you into someone you are happy to be.

You CAN do that, and you CAN be happy.

[NASCARDaddy]

I have been doing more self reflection this morning and honestly I can say that I am beginning to see why she would feel like there is nothing worth saving in our marriage. I have behaved like an egotistical, self centered spoiled brat, particularly for the last few years. I have been very inwardly focused and trying to find ways to make myself feel happy, but instead of finding things that actually made me happy or realizing what I already had that made me happy I instead just turned to things that gave me pleasure and good feelings at the moment. And when I stopped feeling good I got angry and took it out on the people closest to me.

And I guess that I have been pretty controlling through this whole situation. It was not a conscious thing I was doing but the more I think about it the more I see that it was there. I have been focused on what I needed to do to get her to change her mind. Every time I would say "I know if we can just talk about things I know we could work them out" what she was hearing and what I am beginning to believe I meant is "if we just talk about things I know I can get you to change your mind."

The problem is that identifying the problem is easy. But how do I change it? How do I focus on changing myself and yet at the same time work on becoming less self focused? How do I let go and ignore what she is doing when she and my kids are the most important thing in the world to me? How do I forget and let go when the only reason I am even here is to try and find a way back?

[adinva]

If your W and kids are the most important things to you, then stop trying to control them! You recognized you're trying to get your W to change her mind because it's what you want and to heck with what SHE wants. You fixing that mentality is NOT going to make things worse, trust me.

How to change: Your awareness is the first step to changing, and you're starting to have that, and it's huge progress. Next comes catching yourself and thinking of what you should have done differently. Then you'll find yourself doing things differently and you should note and think about that. Finally, they'll gradually become less conscious and more just how you are. That's been my experience, at least.

[doubleAA]

hi,

the forum is asking me to start a new thread. how do i do that.

also, does anybody have the 37 rules of DB. I need for a friend, and my self.

[NASCARDaddy]

The 37 Rules are here. To start a new thread go out to the main page for the section and click on the button that says new topic at the top of the page. If you are continuing an existing thread jut name your new thread the same as the old one but add #2, #3, #4 etc. Otherwise just name it what ever you want.

[doubleAA]

Thanks, Nascar..

My prayers are for you, me and all the others that do not believ on the devil of divorce, and want to save their marriages..

God bless you all..

[NASCARDaddy]

If your W and kids are the most important things to you, then stop trying to control them! You recognized you're trying to get your W to change her mind because it's what you want and to heck with what SHE wants. You fixing that mentality is NOT going to make things worse, trust me.

How to change: Your awareness is the first step to changing, and you're starting to have that, and it's huge progress. Next comes catching yourself and thinking of what you should have done differently. Then you'll find yourself doing things differently and you should note and think about that. Finally, they'll gradually become less conscious and more just how you are. That's been my experience, at least.

I did manage to short circuit at least one attempt at controlling behaviors today. A few weeks back I was at our house taking care of the kids and doing some cleaning and I found her diary sitting out. So like an idiot I read it. I know that it was wrong to do that but at the time I just wanted to know what was going through her head. Anyway, today I had to walk over to the college so that I could see how long it will take me to walk to school.

While I was over there I thought that since I was already over near the house and I knew that nobody would be home at the time it would be really easy to go home and read her diary again. However I stopped myself and reminded myself that was one of the types of controlling behavior that I need and want to stop. It's a small victory, but it is a victory.