Ultramarathon finish line or hallucinations?

[keep_going]

JB - I meant to your son, not your kids!!!
(I read someone else's sig while writing to you)

Sorry!!!

[jbnati]

adinva, thanks again for weighing in.

I'm learning difficult conversations sometimes happen over time. So the fact that she couldn't handle her emotions and left isn't necessarily a bad thing, and isn't necessarily the end of the conversation.

The more I've thought about this whole situation, I've realized a dynamic pervasive throughout the last several years of our M was exposed. While I did a 180, my W did not. It has been typical of her to walk out when she gets angry and just avoid the conflict. For years, I had just apologized to smooth things over on go on with life. Well, now I have freedom from the eggshells. Frankly, I think my motives for the conversation were different than hers. She wanted to solve things right there. I wanted to get everything on the table that we are going to need to deal with.

this is just one of many decisions for years to come that it would be good for you and S's mom to try to get on the same page about.

Bingo! Actually we should have worked harder on this throughout our M. I take some responsiblity for this, as I had operated out of fear that she was going to want a D if we didn't agree (she's been bringing up the D word for about 10 years now as a solution to our problems when conflict arises).

Would she be ok if S sees you ML with a new girlfriend, hypothetically? What if she's someone you just met, is that ok? Or someone you've dated a month or two? When is it ok? If not ok to her, then she needs to agree with you on rules about how you both behave around S.

Well, my W takes it for granted I wouldn't do this, but I get your point.

I see this as a coparenting issue more than anything else.

[adinva]

You're right, it's a coparenting issue, and you need not to fear conversations with the mother of your child, even if she gets mad. You need to learn how to communicate through that and not let it affect you, because you need to parent your child with her.

I know she's assuming you won't. You obviously have high standards and morals. But you might need to bring up such hypothetical situations as if they very well could occur, so she has an objective view of the issue as it affects her son. Right now she's looking at it as you trying to control her love life. If it's about YOUR love life maybe she'll see it differently.

I recently talked with my H about what we should do with our house and where our kids will live. I'm trying not to make any assumptions about whether the kids and I stay in the house. H's standpoint is that he wants to continue owning half of it after D. If you ask me right now, I don't expect to date anyone at all until my kids are grown; I'll be focused on them and will be very busy, and am not in a hurry to get back in a relationship. But I can't tell the future, and for the sake of argument I want us to set up an arrangement where the co-owner of my house doesn't feel like he can dictate who I can have over or move in. So I brought it up as a hypothetical to plan around.

[jbnati]

KG thanks for stopping in.

I believe it's morally wrong and disrespectful of marriage as an institution and I want to set an example for my kids that I stand for my beliefs. H doesn't see anything wrong as he thinks our M has been dead for a long time anyways. I know I will not change his mind.

I want to protect my kids from more confusion re. our sitch. H doesn't believe they are confused...

I completely hear you on this. This is almost identical to what I have going on. I don't know if it's different or not, but my W would've been mortified if someone had told her a few years ago she would be doing what she's doing right now.

I think that at this point, I have stated my POV and disagreement and it's there for the record. Whatever H does, I cannot control it.

I think this is the least we can do, and in some cases it may be all we can realistically do. I look at as a responsibility to at least state our position.

IDK, but I believe that kids are smart. Even if you don't express it outwardly, they will sooner or later see how things happened and how each of you felt and behaved about this whole issue.

I believe kids are smarter than we give them credit for. I believe my S knows what's going on. I don't think my W is fooling him.

JB - I meant to your son, not your kids!!!
(I read someone else's sig while writing to you)

Sorry!!!

No worries. I knew you had it straight.

[jbnati]

You're right, it's a coparenting issue, and you need not to fear conversations with the mother of your child, even if she gets mad. You need to learn how to communicate through that and not let it affect you, because you need to parent your child with her.

I can tell the fear is gone. After all, what's she going to now, D me? I feel like I have this new freedom to speak my mind and bring up the hard issues. She is going to have to deal with them one way or the other.

But you might need to bring up such hypothetical situations as if they very well could occur, so she has an objective view of the issue as it affects her son.

Actually been there, done that. Awhile back, I asked her how she would feel if when she came to pick S, I had OW there. She said it wouldn't bother her at all. Yeah, right. Her line of thinking is that we're not together.

Right now she's looking at it as you trying to control her love life.

I believe you're spot on with this one. It's a coparenting issue to me and to her it's me trying to control her. There's a line between those two situations, but I've crossed that line now because of where I'm at.

[labug]

What's up, jb?

[jbnati]

What's up, jb?

Hi labug!

Thanks for checking in with me. I'll still here, still kickin'. I'm been sporadically lurking. Sorry! Didn't mean to go dark on y'all!

I'll post a better update later. I have been really busy, as usual. Here's the executive summary. Last week I was on a mission trip in WV serving at a juvenile detention center. I still can't think of a better way to GAL than to go on a mission trip. Leading up to that, work has had been absolutely busy. Right before my trip, I lost my hot water heater at home. Also officially hired a L on the Friday before I left town.

[jbnati]

It's been an extremely busy couple of weeks.

The week before I went on the mission trip, I was in major vacation push mode. Like I mentioned earlier, I came home from Men's group on that Thursday night to a pool of water underneath my hot water heater. Not having the time or the desire to try to replace the thing myself, I had someone come out Friday morning and replace it.

Also, on Friday morning, I officially hired a L to represent me in a dissolution. It was time. I feel at peace about it. To me, it's just a next step. There are no forgone conclusions. There's a good part of me that's really excited about what the next chapter of my life's going to bring.

Saturday morning, I purposely made time for a breakfast ride with the local cycle club and logged 42 miles. I spent the rest of the day running errands, finishing up stuff for work, and packing. It was after 5am before I got to bed.

[jbnati]

The mission trip was awesome!

We served at a juvenile detention center for a week in the northern WV panhandle. I can't think of a better way to GAL. Nothing else seems to matter that week. My sitch is far removed from my mind. There is one exception. I got up in front of the residents and shelter home kids and told my story. Just had a ton of fun with those kids there.

I also draw a lot closer to the people I'm on the trip with. I found out you tend to make a lot of new close friends when you go on a trip like this.

I also got in some good running when I was there. Hills are plentiful there. Ran 4.2 miles one night. Another night I had someone drive over the PA border and ran back to where we were staying for a total of 4.7 mi. Both of those were the furthest distances for me since the early 90s.

[jbnati]

I got back late on Friday night. I got up the next morning and did the 42 mile breakfast ride again.

On Sunday I was reunited with my S. It was awesome to see him again. Unfortunately, it was kind of late when my W brought him home.

Also, on Sunday, the post mission trip emotional crash started to show up. I did do some GAL'ing by going out and playing 9 holes of golf with a buddy from my church.

Monday, I got out of bed early and ran another 5 miles, again the furthest distance since the early 90s. The post mission trip crash was still rearing its ugly head. I was also having feelings of anger toward my W creep in. Anxiety was ramping up, too. Anyway, I was able to curb some of the feeling with my Monday night GAL'ing activity of choice. I had what turned out to be my last softball game of the year. I also slid into a base for the first time in about 26 years. It just happened to be at home plate and it resulted in a home plate collision. Home plate collisions aren't pretty at my age. There was impact on my chin, shoulder, and my rear end (it was NOT a smooth landing). I have a big 'ol bruise on my rear end to prove it.

Did get out for some more GAL'ing during the week. I had my Tuesday night group at church. Wednesday morning was a 17 mile solo ride. Wednesday night I spent with my S. Thursday night I went out for the group ride with the bike shop for 37 miles. I rode with the slower group and it was a very nice social ride. Talked to everyone on the ride. A lot of hill work. I went out for 12-13 miles after we got back just to get the mileage up.\

Unfortunately, I was not in the best emotional place all week. I chalked it up to a combination of my sitch going on and post mission trip crash. On Wednesday night, my W had asked me to pick up my S at her place and that just made things worse. It's getting back to the subject of transportation. Currently, she's 30 minutes away. I had it on my mind that there has to be some limits to how far away she can be if she wants to share the transportation, especially during school. Frankly, that topic was bothering me for the majority of the week.