Still not sure I understand the second part of that, but I'd categorize our marriage as "in a rut" when she had her affair. She had never been good at WOAs (words of affirmation), and I finally stopped complimenting her. And I stopped pursuing her for sex, because she never showed any interest. She wanted to be pursued.
But no abuse or infidelity on my part. Her two biggest complaints? "He's always on his computer!" (on the opposite couch in the same room as her, usually watching the same tv show). And "He's always at those damned ballfields!" (I coached our sons' youth baseball teams).
So I wouldn't say it was horrible, but it wasn't as strong as it was in our early years. Pretty typical.
Thanks Starsky, you did answer the nature of my question.
Yes, Conway's stuff is good (of course) and some of the MLC empathetic resources on the web and on paper are helpful, as well. Of course, so is the stuff here and in MWD's published works.
My personal perspective on MLC is, as you stated, it's transition... just not being handled well. The way past transition, just like MLC, has to be THROUGH it.
I do agree that an MLCer is responsible and accountable for their actions. MLC is not an excuse. Still, with MLC, it is dealing with someone who is deeply depressed and operating in many ways from a panic / deep fear state.
I have not yet found a resource that suggests tools or methods to reduce the crises to what might be a more "stable" transition. And from the perspective of a MLCer in an A, I think would completely change the playing field.
Just to add that MLC doesn't have to last "years". In fact, it can last just a few months depending on the person's willingness to accept their life changes. Again, MLC is not a disease, it's a transitional period which some people handle better than others.
I do agree, bond. I know those of us who talk about MLC do stress the crises part. I personally look for transition OR MLC, because IMHO, they should be handled differently.
I am actually looking at some crises tools to see if there might be an application for those who have a MLC partner.
MLC is an opinion. It has never been proven. From my studies and from conversations with my peers in this area. Some pass it off as an chemical imbalance , others childhood regression.
There are a ton of others.
I follow the line of chemical imbalance with poor boundaries and an easy excuse.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Reading a little further along and also some side chatter in other threads, I really want to encourage the newbies to post any questions for clarification here, regarding the theme of this thread.
And I think that it's also appropriate to encourage newbies (and more long term members) to read in the Infidelity forum as well as the MLC forum to see if there might be more information that makes sense to them and approaches that they would prefer to follow.
I think a lot of it has to do with just how bad things got, and how long the "bad" state persisted before it blew up.
Most definitely. And this is a big reason (there are an infinite number of other variables as well) why it is better to be careful about giving advice here that is presented as black and white. It is why I personally talk about using the DB principles as a guideline, but applying to to the unique situation. It is why, IMO, the #1 rule here is DO WHAT WORKS.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
It is my opinion that, many people who find their way here... well... they probably should have read the DB/DR books a year or two before the registered on this site. If only more people were more proactive in working on their M... BEFORE it needed work...
After the bomb it seems to have a really crappy success rate.
I think like anything else, people don't believe it can happen to them -- I certainly didn't. Reading self help books would feel like asking for trouble where none exists. I certainly thought this kind of thing would *never* happen to me, so I had no motivation to even think about addressing it before it was too late.
YES to both KD and Accuray! The BITS talk of this often. It is argued by some that DB is not helpful and that is demonstrated by the low success rate. My counter argument is always that the people who come here to the DB board have most likely found it out of desperation, when their M is already on life support. I know mine was. But of course the success rate is going to be low when your entire sample group are in M's that are so close to be completely done when they first begin to learn DB. I always argue that if you took the people who JUST went out and bought the book when they saw some signs that their M was in trouble, that we'd see a much higher success rate with that sample group.
Let's face it. If you are desperate enough to start talking about such intimate and private details of your life over the internet, your M is probably in really bad shape and you are probably pretty desperate.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
It seems that in most cases its impossible for a newbie to chill. I don't know how to help people with that, I don't think we can, they have to go through it and come out the other side. From my perspective, all we're trying to do is help them to minimize or avoid any further damage while they panic.
Absolutely agree. It is just something that we all had/have to go through here. There is no way around it IMO.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
It seems that in most cases its impossible for a newbie to chill. I don't know how to help people with that, I don't think we can, they have to go through it and come out the other side. From my perspective, all we're trying to do is help them to minimize or avoid any further damage while they panic.
