I have struggled with the idea that because of who I am, I'm just an inferior spouse and not worthy of being with someone.
My H wouldn't be leaving me if I were... prettier, kept a neater house, more fit, made more money. Isn't that what we all think when our H's first leave?
So we go crazy doing things "for us." Working out, doing our hair, putting on makeup each day, cleaning the house more. To "fix" the problems that caused our marriage to break up. But it's not really for us. We say it is, and we do feel better about ourselves, but we're really hoping and praying that H will notice we really do look good and we really aren't slobs and he is a fool to leave us.
I've had now 14 months to work through this and figure out who I am and what I want.
Do I want to become a neater housekeeper so I can attract my H or some other guy and so I can feel good about myself that I'm a neater housekeeper? Do I need to check off the list anyone whose needs don't match my needs? Do we need to feel equally about clutter?
I don't think so. The secret that I learned is to know who I am and what my needs are (right now I'm a bit overwhelmed with work and parenting and tend toward being messy - this might change in the future) and to know who my partner is and what his needs are (right now he's overwhelmed with job stress and tends toward OCD - this might change in the future). And to work out agreements and do things, both of us, to get our needs met in conjunction with the other.
If I can clean the house as an act of love toward someone who likes a clean house, that to me is BETTER than for me to try to become more like the person who likes the clean house. Because we'll have other needs that conflict and the ability to negotiate them and meet them will work in any situation.
In the meantime I may just decide that I like the house clean too, and my needs will be different. At that point, H's underwear on the floor that he doesn't notice will become a source of stress to me. We'll need to be able to negotiate that when the time comes.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I woke up wondering how to manage the fact that I was pretty sure H didn't know (or care) it's my birthday, but then I'd like to model better for the boys. So I went through potential options in my mind to figure out which ones looked passive aggressive, which ones really were passive aggressive, and should I say something and he feels bad or pursued or should I say nothing and blah blah blah. Instead what happened was I walked in the kitchen to find S12 and H and I threw my arms out and sang "It's my birthday, happy birthday!" S12 goes "It's your birthday?" and I said yeah, and my parents are coming over at 5 for dinner and then I have a meet up to go to. H said "OK."
So the stress of trying to figure out what to say or do was short-lived.
I had a great day tubing with my sister and her friends and S12 yesterday. We left at 8am and got home at 9pm.
I feel mad that my H, who's known me for over 20 years, doesn't recognize my birthday, after all the gifts I've bought and cakes I've baked and dinners I've planned for him. And all the times he's spent time with his friend and friend's girlfriend to celebrate their birthdays properly.
In the sitch we're in, where he's planning all the many details of separating his life from mine, it's hardly the time to teach or tell him how I feel about it. Surely he knows he's being kind of a jerk. I know he's worked very hard to not give me any expectations that we might R.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I hope you have a great dinner with your parents and a fun meet up afterwards.
Focus on you today you deserve it. Anyone elses issues are only their own....
(((( ))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Here's why GAL is a good thing. Today I went in Robek's and on the way in a very nice looking guy in an Army tshirt smiled and said hi. Nice! And then on the way back out two very nice looking guys struck up a conversation because I was wearing the tank top from the climbing gym I go to with S12. One of them asked if I work there (ha!) and we talked for a few minutes about how fun it is and how the memberships work, and my recommendation about taking their classes to get started. He's tried it only once before and is thinking about joining there. If I didn't have the interest and the tshirt I probably wouldn't have had that conversation. Back outside I learned that the Army guy had recognized me from the time I had a stray dog and was showing it at Starbucks to find its owner, who I did find and who came to Starbucks to collect her. If I didn't have that hobby I probably wouldn't have made an impression on that guy. So, cool, it's nice to be out and about talking with people I don't know.
Just wanted to pat myself on the back because it felt very nice to be noticed, and also to show that GAL has unintended benefits.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Happy Birthday! I hope you were able to celebtate you today, because you are pretty awesome!
I'm sorry your H was being a jerk about it. It doesn't matter what he is feeling, you are still the mother of his children and he could have at least helped them pick out a gift, or at least remind them of this special day. You deserve so much better! Way to strike up conversations with random guys!!!!
Thanks all! My H came thru. He walked S12 to the store and they came home with a card, actually signed by all three, and it was cute what H wrote in it. Then he made s14 go to dinner with us even though I said it was fine that he didn't want to. H was quite social at dinner. It was very nice. I got a present from my sister (dancing lessons) and from my parents (some spending money).
Then I had a really nice meet-up with two guys playing guitar with me. Honestly, there are some girls who joined the group, they just haven't attended yet.
Unbidden, I'm so glad you like the crepe recipe! It's a favorite in my house too!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I am glad your H "came through" today. I've been biting my tongue all day, on what you posted earlier...
Originally Posted By: adinva
I feel mad that my H, who's known me for over 20 years, doesn't recognize my birthday, after all the gifts I've bought and cakes I've baked and dinners I've planned for him.
I really do wish you a happy birthday and hope this eve is as good as the day has been, for you...
I'm glad H came through (after I bashed him just a few mins ago). What kind of dance are you going to learn? I hear salsa and bachata are quite popular
