Kolja's next chapter

[2thepoint]

Kolja - I like what Labug had to say ^^^.

Regarding where you post next, I think that is entirely up to you. One could argue that you are a newcomer to "divorce" so you could easily stay here. Or not. The choice is yours. You'll get support no matter what. And there are different posters over there they may provide different help and support that you need.

My best advice for you right now is to continue to focus on you and the things that have been bringing you happiness these past several months.

I have found that when you stop looking over your shoulder, things in front of you have a way of getting your attention.

=@ @=

[kolja]

Thanks guys. This morning is just a bit of mild disappointment, as of course I'd have hoped to avoid this. A little frustration that instead of just sending me a copy of the decree, the county sent an 'order form' and the opportunity to give them more money for a copy. One more aspect of civil law that appears to just be a transparent money grab. Oh well.

But, certainly not despondent. I go to Japan for a 2-week work trip starting Saturday, a week after that I'm registered for a 10k as part of working up for the next half marathon I'd like to do.

I guess I'd illustrate where I am like this - the door is still open for her, but I'm not standing in the doorway expectantly while the rest of life rolls by...

[2thepoint]

the door is still open for her, but I'm not standing in the doorway expectantly while the rest of life rolls by...

...and don't be looking through the crack either!

[kolja]

Well, I mean it's OPEN... I don't need to

I'm in the other room, doing other stuff, in the meantime.

[gunny]

Hey Kolja, just getting up to date on your sitch. Enjoy Japan, glad to hear the running is going well. I got back in the saddle two weeks ago, slowly getting my milage and speed back up. Went running with this ultra beautiful long legged marathoner last week, (friend of mine)she is 28 and not even near hitting her running prime. We did 8 at about a 7:32 clip. She kept up nicely, pretty soon I think she will be running this old man into the ground, but dam@, it was fun being neck to neck with her for a while!! lol

[bustorama]

Sorry your decree notification came that way, Kolja. It sounds like alot of other things are shaping up pretty well for you now.

And kudos to you for not owning or feeling responsible or, alternatively, feeling vindicated or gloating over your xW's apparent continued unhappiness. You seem to just see it for what it is and let it be hers -- that's the epitome of detachment.

What's up for you in Japan? Been there before? Stay away from Fukushima!

[kolja]

Thanks, bustorama-
Finding about the decree was followed up by my ex getting what seemed to be upset about my using her maiden name on her monthly check. Normally she'd never see it because I'd deposit it myself in the local branch of the bank she uses, but there's no such animal in Japan (or Hawaii for that matter, so I'd done it before - but we were still married then). Kind of a silly story really; in her original filing she requested her father's name be restored to her effective with the judgement. At the time I read that, I found that interesting because of the hurt/anger/lack of relationship/resentment/etc. When the time came to write the check, having discovered the judgement had been made, from what I understood the paperwork to be, I made it out to her maiden name. I wondered if she might even appreciate the gesture, but, thankfully didn't EXPECT. She emailed me in what I initially thought was an angry tone, as hard as it is to discern tone in email of course, that she hadn't changed her name yet, that I shouldn't have assumed, and now she can't deposit the check.

I feel my reply (again, tough to tell how someone will take it via email - and with our relationship where it is, I didn't think it was appropriate to call from Japan) was measured and calm. I explained I thought it happened in conjunction with the judgement and was sorry for the trouble it had caused. I said if it turned out the bank wouldn't take it, I'd run right to the bank as soon as I got back on Friday the 20th, only a few days late, really. In her reply to that, she again (for the third or fourth time) mentioned she 'had a lot going on.' I replied with something rather innocuous like 'just let me know' or something like that; not wanting to seem like I was outright ignoring her in her evidently tumultuous time, but not falling all overmyself. On top of DBing, there was a 16 hour time difference and I was there for work.

At the end of the day, now that I'm home and I was catching up with bills, I saw that her check had cleared. I knew it would, but didn't mention that a head of time (bit of a 180, or at least a 135 or so, because in times past I would have said something like "They'll take it once you explain it, it will be fine..." you know, something dismissive and so on). As, if not more, importantly, I have no intention of saying "I told you so."

Thanks for the kudos - I think there's two things going on. One is a combination of continuing/genuine affection and - as odd as it seems to apply the word to myself - maturity. I still genuinely love her (to hijack the phrase, I'm not all that IN love with who she's been for a while). I wish her no ill because of that affection, and also because vindication isn't something that actually HELPS me here. It's not something to want.

The SECOND thing that's going on, that I was reflecting on before sitting down to reply, is thanks mainly to this board and the books. Absent those, even with affection and maturity (or at least the realization that vindictiveness is unhelpful), I would PROBABLY have felt that she needed 'to learn a lesson' or something like that - felt like she NEEDED this.

While it's true that a) for her own happiness and b) for us to have ANY hope of a new relationship some things would need to change for/in her (how she sees things, how she deals with things including but not limited to her past), one of the more profound things I came across here was something 25yrsmlc posted, quoting as I recall her own DB coach, saying that 'it's not our job to teach our walk away spouses a lesson - life does that.' I think that's really helped me to detach - since life does it, I don't have to really pay that much attention to it. It's not my business at this point (I almost wrote 'not my problem' but that might be a bit harsh, though no less accurate). I literally have no vested interest in the details, the ins and outs, of what's going on other than wishing well to someone I love.

Doesn't mean I don't think about it time to time. Not constantly, but sometimes (like when I'm mowing the lawn and the mind wanders). She's mentioned 'going through a lot' a few times now. Is it just the job search and finances, health care, etc? Is she dealing with things from her past? Reassessing her view of us? Maybe someday I'll know, maybe someday I won't. But, and I realize this might sound contradictory to what I said earlier about not feeling vindictive, it does make me realize that there IS still stuff "going on." And sure, that stuff may not bring her back down the road home to the door I've left open. But only time will show that.

But in the meantime, while the door swings metaphorically open...

Japan was pretty nice (wicked humid during the day which is not my comfort zone, but it was a short walk between where I slept and where I worked). The conference itself was underwhelming, but at least had normal 8 hour days and a free weekend in the middle. It was my third visit there, my first being in 96 for just a few days to meet a ship. Before we got underway, a few folks I fell in with (none of knowing each other previously, most of us never having been outside the US/Canada) did manage to make it Yokohama and back for a baseball game, but as far as experiencing Japan, that's about all there was. Second time was in 04 (clearly averaging visiting every 8 years). That was for an exercise, not a conference, and no sooner had I acclimated to the local time was I put on nights. We went out a few times, and someone previously stationed there took us out on a down day to a Korean BBQ (ironic), and I DID discover Kobe steak on that trip - but it was busy and the district outside the gate at that base (Yokota) didn't have as much as close as to the base as Yokosuka does. This time, with the free weekend, off at or before 4 every day, there was time to enjoy it more. I actually knew one of the other attendees, who was now stationed there the second time. So he showed me all sorts of great places to eat - my first exposure to Indian food, and also to Japanese curry (I thought only Indian food had curry). The club on base had a great Mongolian BBQ every Tuesday night, so I crushed that twice. And I discovered sushi-go-round. I can never remember what's in what kind of roll, so being able to grab what looks good as it goes by you was neat. Visited that twice too.

In perhaps unfortunate timing, I was also on a low-volume stint of running. Before the 2nd half marathon a month ago, there were starting to be some nagging signs of fatigue which I managed to power through hoping against hope to avoid any kind of actual injury. So after the big race I dialed it back and have been breaking in a new pair of shoes (pretty sure the annoying hip and other aches had at least something to do with wore out shoes) with shorter runs. But today I tore off a 5 miler, next weekend I'll do a 10K race and from then on I'll be on 2 months of intervals, tempos etc(with a smattering of distance) before the Bellingham Bay half marathon.

Next trip is actually in a week; 29th-3rd but this one is to Scott AFB, east of East St Louis. Certainly not as exciting as Hawaii or Japan. But then, I'm back to Hawaii later in the month so there's that...

[kolja]

...also, wondering if I set a PR for longest post

[bustorama]

In her reply to that, she again (for the third or fourth time) mentioned she 'had a lot going on.' I replied with something rather innocuous like 'just let me know' or something like that; not wanting to seem like I was outright ignoring her in her evidently tumultuous time, but not falling all overmyself. On top of DBing, there was a 16 hour time difference and I was there for work.

It's hard to know what her repeatedly saying "I have alot going on" means. If a buddy of yours or cousin of yours kept saying something like that to you, would you handle it the same way as you have with her so far?

While her unhappiness or her having alot going on is not your responsibility, it is ok to still interact with her about that or other things going on in her life (if it is something you care about). Even if she is your ex, you do have that affection for her, and it is ok to express that if that is what you want to do and the sort of interaction you'd want with her going forward. Or maybe you don't want that right now?

Like I could see you just validating it by acknowledging it/reiterating it:

Yeah, it sounds like you have a lot going on there. Just let me know how you'd like me to handle the check.

Or even:

Yeah, it sounds like you have alot going on there. Anything you want to talk about?

Expresses that you care about her. Nothing more, nothing less.

At the end of the day, now that I'm home and I was catching up with bills, I saw that her check had cleared. I knew it would, but didn't mention that a head of time (bit of a 180, or at least a 135 or so, because in times past I would have said something like "They'll take it once you explain it, it will be fine..." you know, something dismissive and so on).

That's good!

I don't have to really pay that much attention to it. It's not my business at this point (I almost wrote 'not my problem' but that might be a bit harsh, though no less accurate). I literally have no vested interest in the details, the ins and outs, of what's going on other than wishing well to someone I love.

Yes, the finest line of detachment is that while you are totally right that it is not 'your responsibility, your business, your vested interest' does not mean that you do not in some way care and wish well to her as someone that you love. Alot of people have trouble getting that it is ok to care about and wish well to them even as you are detached from them. It is even ok to express that caring.

More later

[kolja]

Interesting question you pose - I suspect that if it were a friend stating it over and over, I'd have asked by now. Something I'll consider next time she brings it up, that's for sure.

Which makes me think that next conversation will be interesting. Now that I have the actual settlement in my possession, I have to go to personnel and make her officially not a dependent. Because of the short duration of the marriage, her health coverage will immediately end. I figure it would be only right for me to tell her. And while I realize it's not my problem, I'm still not looking forward to THAT conversation.