Oops. What I meant was continue to be gracious and business-like. Hit submit too early
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you so much for the replies, AJM and snodderly. I don't know what to do with all of this anger. I went to the garage and threw all of his stuff in a pile. I actually took several pictures and ripped them up. This isn't me, but I can't find another way to cope with what I am feeling. The boys and I have suffered so much since December. Actually, what we have all admitted is that we were suffering for years, but didn't want to face it. We all wanted to believe that life was good, but it wasn't. My H hurt us badly by being incredibly selfish and not caring for us emotionally. I covered it all up. I hid the truth from the boys, my parents, my friends. I wanted to believe that I had the dream of the typical American family, but I didn't. My H was never capable of filling his role. He never wanted to be a full time husband and father. He was always gone.
I am so sorry for the pain you and your boys are experiencing. I think we all learn to look at the lives we have and be incredibly grateful. So we believe in playing up what we have - and that's not always a bad thing. However in our situations - we are forced to examine these aspects and allow ourselves to say maybe, just maybe - we deserve to be treated better.
Thoughts and prayers your way.
Irish
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Well, it seems my H, or I guess I should start saying my STBX, has moved in with an OW. He sprang on my son today that he moved to save money. When my son asked where he moved and who he lives with he just said with a roommate and wouldn't expand on the details. I'm sure if it was a male friend he would have said that. It's a lot for my son to process. Just learning so casually that he had moved awhile ago and didn't bother to mention it before today and also that he moved to a city even further away is painful for my son. Honestly, I could care less where he lives. He'll be just as miserable.
I am sorry for the news. It never gets any easier - but it is just another thing that causes us to keep our heads down and focused on moving forward. As your son gets older, the conversations may occur regarding STBXH's decisions during this time. We can only reinforce our values and pray that our boys don't learn or mimic these behaviors modeled by their fathers.
Thoughts and prayers, Irish
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I wouldn't keep telling him you're in a rush to divorce. That might make him think you'll be willing to concede more on financial issues to get it over with. Let HIM be the one that feels pressure from OW to get it done, while YOU have all the time in the world to make sure the settlement treats you and your boys fairly.
Also - now that you are realizing that things WEREN'T that rosy in your marriage for years before the separation - it's time to let go of some of the anger and start being grateful for the opportunities now available to you. I know this sounds like crazy talk - but trust me, the more you can open up to the idea of change instead of clinging to bitterness about the past, the better life is going to be for you and your boys.
And be really careful how you discuss things with your boys. The more YOU model strength and resilience, the safer they will feel (you are their ROCK). And the more you can teach them to look at their father's behavior with a modicum of understanding (even if it's just understanding that he's a damaged person), the better the chance of them healing their relationship at some point.
(P.S. it's good news that he moved in with OW, lowers his living costs and leaves more money for him to pay you. It was kind of a stupid move on his part - lawyers usually advise men not to set too low a standard of living when they move out, less they establish a precedent that all they need is a studio apartment in a crappy neighborhood.)
kml, regarding the ps, that's exactly what I thought. I would have thought that his attorney would have advised that no matter what do not move in with a girlfriend until the divorce is final. He's just given me more ammunition. There is no way I will allow him to take off with one of the boys. I have no idea where he is living or who with. He moved 30 minutes away. He clearly didn't consider what was best for the boys. I also can't believe that he would make yet another major life change and just announce it to S12 as if he were talking to a friend.
Today has been so incredibly hard. I'm exhausted from the flood of emotions that I have felt and all of the talking my boys and I did. I can't believe all of the lies my STBX told me and the boys about not being in a serious relationship. He even told the boys that he's too worried about them to have feelings for someone else. Actions speak louder than words. By moving he showed the boys, once again, that he will not put them first. He doesn't have any interest in being part of their life on a regular basis. God, how that must hurt them. I don't know how to make this better.
