I just realized that I am overdue for I new thread. Here's what I posted earlier this evening.
My H continues to text the boys and refers to me as delusional and crazy. He also continues to write that I've brainwashed them. The boys are so angry. S15 said that he feels controlled by my H since he's not allowed to have his own feelings. He's tired of my H putting me down and saying that this is all my fault. I'm tired of it too. I feel abused. Why is he doing this? It's so frustrating that he doesn't see the harm that he is causing. I'm working hard and minding my own business yet in his mind I'm this psycho person that's poisoned the boys against him. Nothing could be further from the truth. Really, the person that is crazy and delusional is him. However, I haven't said that to him or the boys. Why is he stooping to name calling and put downs? I've been doing great except for these texting frenzies. Each episode drags me backward. I could really use some encouragement and advice.
Just breathe through these episodes. Your H is out of control emotionally and he's projecting. MLCers have to have someone to blame what they're doing on. He's trying to justify what he's done. In their confusion and anger they blame it on the person that was closest to them, the spouse.
As hard as this is, you must detach. Have the boys said anything to your H about how they feel? I did not tell my children how to feel or what to say to their Dad and there were times he had some pretty harsh truth darts from them. He still gets some here and there. I let the children handle their R with their father. I occasionally come in and clean up the pieces when needed.
MLCers tell themselves the children will be fine with what they've done because they don't want to believe they could cause any harm. So, in essence, if the children have a problem with it, it must be the LBS poisoning their minds.
GM, you know the truth, and so do your children. It really doesn't matter what your H says. Just keep letting it go because there is no way to really enforce a boundary with this. Your H's anger will eventually burn itself out just like when a toddler throws a tantrum because they didn't get their way.
Letting it set you back is a choice that you make. Make a different one. One that allows you to keep moving forward right through it. It's the only way to get to the other side.
SA, the boys have tried to tell my H how they feel, but he dismisses it and tells them that I've brainwashed them. They are both so frustrated and disgusted by him that they no longer want to see or communicate with him. They're also angry that he keeps texting that 50% of marriages end in divorce so why is he being punished blah, blah, blah. He just refuses to believe that he alone is responsible for the hurt feelings and devastation. Oh well, I cried for about two minutes out of frustration and then carried on, so I guess he doesn't affect me much anymore.
Apparently, my H has forgotten a lot of what he told me in the beginning like he's soul searching, trying to figure out why he's so difficult to live with and that after working through his resentment he felt like he was more to blame for the problems in our marriage than me. But for months now he been convinced that he had to leave and it's all my fault. I hope he's at the height of his tantrum and that it will start dissipating.
SA and BM, thanks for the reminders and encouragement. My focus now has been reassuring the boys that we will have a happy, joyful life and that one person can't take that away. I had to get to a point where I believed that myself and I'm finally there. I just want the finances to be settled so that I no longer have underlying worries.
golf mom, Sounds to me like he's trying so darn hard to convince his sons that it's okay to be divorced and yes, he's projecting his "crap" on to you. He's the one that needs his head checked out by a professional, not you.
Golf mom, continue reassuring your children that everything will be okay no matter what. Your children need to know that you are the stable parent and will always be there for them.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Funny GM, my STBXH told me that 50% of marriages end in divorce and those people are all fine. I laughed and asked how many of those people he had talked to.
It really doesn't matter. Just keep taking care of you and your boys!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
MLCers tell themselves the children will be fine with what they've done because they don't want to believe they could cause any harm. So, in essence, if the children have a problem with it, it must be the LBS poisoning their minds.
Brings a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. Oh how true that statement is and unfortunately I'm sensing I'm in the beginning stages of this.
My W brought it to my attention that S12 went off on her and blamed her for moving out and pretty much everything else. I avoid saying anything at all about my W. I may have to respond occasionally to something, but it's along the lines of she made a decision and I have to respect that. I'll occasionally mention that their mom loves them, but I generally keep any talk about her to a minimum.
I agree that sanity is crucial at this point. There's a huge difference in the approach my W has towards the kids and my approach. I listen until their done talking and then look for productive statements/questions that allow them the opportunity to open up more and get things off their chest. My W gets mad at S12 and blasts him for not being able to make him happy. As for S6, she just asks stupid questions that have risky outcomes for someone as shakey as she can be - "Don't you want to spend time with me?". She got a "no" from S6 last time she asked that. Even I know better than to ask a dumb question like that. Kids minds change by the hour based on what their doing at that time. Don't force them into a corner.
GM - Your story is evolving. Last I was reading your posts, things were "less" hostile and your spouse seemed to be creeping in and out of the tunnel. Now it would seem he's flat out bat poop crazy. Your kids are giving you some really great props and you don't have to over analyze to feel good about it.
Your kids don't want to be around him, they want to be with you so you must be doing something right. I've never said anything about it to S12, but it makes me feel pretty good when he gets to stay with me and he will make the off comment that he loves the smell of home ( I get to keep the house ). It's a simple comment, but it also means he likes being around me too. My W doesn't seem to pay much attention to the fact that he's watching and listening to her so she flaps her gums a bit too much. I didn't take the bait when he wanted to talk about the things she's said about me. I let him say his piece and offered no inquiry and made no comment. I simply smiled and offered an "Oh well."
I'm sure you've heard it before or read it here in the forums, it's been mentioned to me numerous times. Do you believe you're worth fighting for? Like me and many of us here, you probably fought for someone that resented you for it. Thing is, somewhere along the line you have to look back at where you were and where you are and see the difference in the person you are today. If thinking about who you are today gives you warm fuzzies, then you've done pretty good and you are worth fighting for.
I fought for my W for a few years and somewhere along the lines I learned I was worth fighting for too. Whatever my W has to say about me to other people or to our kids, makes no difference to me. You reap what you sow and even if things get hard, I'm better equipped today to handle things and I'm not the least bit concerned about having to repair relationships with those closest to me. Stay positive GM. Kids will reflect the attitude of the parent they are with. Mine are happy to come home and that works fine for me.
I could really use some support today. Several days ago my H sent me an email which went to spam. He sent a text to S15 asking him to let me know that he sent it and that it was nothing that would upset me. (Inappropriate!) I wasn't willing to read it before today.
The self-centeredness of these MLCers is absolutely disgusting! We are in the middle of a divorce which my H initiated yet he was contacting me regarding our debt information. He wanted to negotiate a split. After that he was wanting to give me a lump sum of money that I could use toward his portion of the debt or keep as a cushion in the bank. Is this unbelievable or what?!!! First of all, I will get a lump sum of money and it will have nothing to do with our debts.
I sent a one-time response that I wish I would have sent at that beginning. I told him that my attorney will work out the debt and proper support and I will not have separate communication regarding this. I also told him that he needs to get the rest of his belongings or they will be tossed. He needs to change his address since I will no longer hold his mail. He also needs to find his own car insurance as he will be dropped from our current policy. I also stated that my only concern was creating a new life for me and the boys and that included finalizing a settlement and divorce as quickly as possible. I wrote that he is not to contact me again, including sending messages through the boys. If he does, I will not respond.
This last part was unnecessary but I wanted to write it for me. I wrote that I am not and never was the reason for his unhappiness and that his issues started long before we met. Rather than deal with them he chose to blame me and traumatize me and the boys in the process. I feel certain that he won't "get" any of this and that's OK. It was my way of showing him that I will longer believe what he says about me and the reasons he left.
I'm really angry right now. He clearly has plenty of money while I am just barely scraping by. My attorney has assured me that it will change once the debt and income statements are exchanged. She has run the numbers and they are in my favor. My biggest mistake was not pursuing this months ago because I was holding out for reconciliation and didn't want to push him further away. How foolish! I was advised over and over on this board to take care of the finances.
At this point it doesn't matter how much it hurts, I will push for a quick divorce. I need to get out of limbo.
I was re-reading some of M Go Blue's old posts that Cadet posted. Something he said seems to apply here: you as the LBS will eventually learn that the harder you try to save the marriage, the more it pushes the MLCr away. He mentioned how much time he wasted trying to do that only to realize that it wasn't going to work. He had to let her go. I agree with him, although we have to see that for ourselves, don't we?
In this case, you said what you felt. You weren't hiding your feelings, and I for one think that is very important - for you and all concerned. There is no reason to withold your emotions and it seems it will be very painful for you to do so.
I don't condone being nasty or hostile. Don't get me wrong. I'm saying that you need to look a little further down the road and think how you want to be towards those that hurt you and act accordingly.
What I'm reading in your post is that you want to erradicate your H from your life and get the craziness to stop. He knows he hurt you, that's evident. He is not going to stop what he's doing. He also knows you're angry and likely will show anger out of frustration. Let the lawyer handle the communication and legal matters. It's what they do.
You don't have to be friends. That's really not likely for a very long time. But you can be gracious in your interactions. You can stand up for what is yours and anyone, including your ex, that tells you otherwise can go spit in the wind.
Don't hold back with the lawyers. Don't be afraid that what you are doing will push your ex further away. In fact, the opposite is more likely, although not in a positive way at this point. Figure out that you can't do ANYTHING that will either bring him back or push him further away. You cannot damage the relationship, because you didn't damage him it in the first place (to this extent).
Be you. Look out for you. Let the anger go and act in accordance with your beliefs and best interest at heart. And the best interest of the boys.
I think what you wrote is very tame considering your feelings. If that means anything
You've set a boundary. Enforce it. Guard it. Make sure you do NOT respond if he goes through the boys again. He will test you on that. But for your sake, don't respond. It WILL stop at some point.
Time to be patient and let the lawyer earn their money. Believe me, you'll see things differently later and that is not the time to have a regret.
Does the divorce hurt? Of course. It's not what you wanted. But the reality is that it is here and has to be dealt with. I had similar feelings at the time. Looking back, I wasted a lot of energy and had a lot of sleepless nights about it. But was actually a relief when all was said and done. You know why? Exactly because of what you mentioned - no more guessing. No more limbo.
Hang in there. Don't be afraid to feel your emotions and to share them as needed, but don't be ugly. No need. Gracious and business like is something you'll be happier with later I would think.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
golf mom, Please don't beat yourself up because you delayed the process of divorce. In the beginning, we all hope for a reconciliation.
You did the right thing, by advising him that your attorney will be working on your financial information. It sounds to me like he's trying to pull a fast one and doesn't want to involve the lawyers.
He should not be relaying messages to you through your son and he needs to understand that this is not acceptable. Your email may have been a bit long for him to focus on, but we shall see.
I understand how you feel about him and the situation and you have every right to be angry. Be sure to take that anger out on something constructive, i.e., a pillow, a walk or something that requires a lot of physical exertion.
Do something special for yourself this weekend. You deserve it!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
