Ultramarathon finish line or hallucinations?

[2thepoint]

My W texted me in the morning and told me she found a house that she fell in love with. She then proceeded to ask if I would consider refinancing the house early or she could borrow from her half of my 401k. What? Seriously?!?!? That's something like what I would do for my W if I'm happily M'd, but not for a W who wants to D me. I called the L I'm thinking about bringing on board and she just confirmed the obvious.

I called her in response. First off, I asked her about the car she's selling. Then I told I was not going to give her the answer she wanted to hear. She wanted to know why. I simply told her I wasn't comfortable and all that stuff should be down on paper before we do anything with it. I then gave her an update on the L situation. [b]I think she's pretty ticked I'm bringing a L on board. [b]

It kind of sux for the WAS when life doesn't go as planned.

Nice job on the GALing bike ride. I'm going way outside my comfort zone by recently joining a Meetup group for Dancing. My first event is a Salsa Meetup next week. Yikes!! Hope I don't throw a hip or something!

[adinva]

2 that's great! (I'm sure you won't throw a hip old man )

JB use the driving as a negotiating point. Don't let emotion cloud your judgment. Did she have an equally good housing option right near you? How far would you have been totally fine with? How much is your choice wanting to punish her by making her do all the driving? Remember that driving in a car with a kid is some of the best quality time there is so don't throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak. If you let her know what you're thinking about, feeling like it's far and you think you might resent the drive. Then let her talk and listen to her. Then consider sharing the load (if you decide to) then you look a lot more reasonable and considerate then if you state the answer and stick to it rigidly. Just my two cents. I've been following you all along this way and admire you very much.

Best,

[NTX_Dad]

Hi jb -

My W asked questions about using her half of my retirement during the process and it got me VERY angry. I don't know how you kept your cool, but kudos to you.

Has the divorce been filed in court yet? If so, is there a temporary restraining order or temporary orders in place?

In Texas, when those are in effect, neither party can make any large financial transactions, so that would prevent her from buying a house and it would prevent you from letting her borrow from your retirement.

I loved throwing that in my W's face when she asked questions like that.... after all, she was the one that had filed and her attorney wrote up the temporary orders. LOL

Hang in there man, I was a lot further in the process and had many ugly fights, and yet by the grace of God we made it and are together and happy again.

[JustStunned]

Sounds familiar, well before she filed XW called me when I was 6 time zones away leaving messages on my voicemail asking me to cosign her home loan. Ahhh No. Shortly after that I got the “Then there is nothing else I need you for” speech. It hurt, then I got to thinking about how this was an attempt to manipulate and let it go.

Try and find the bigger picture rather than react in the emotions of the moment. There are more hurdles to come. Charge your L with making the arguments and stay out of the drama as much as possible. That is but one of the reasons I hired mine. If I am ever asked why that is the reason I am using.

It isn’t over until you are done and decide it is over. I do not believe in preordained destiny your future isn’t written yet and she may still just decide you are the better option. You are. Believe it

[jbnati]

2tp, thanks for stopping in, buddy!

It kind of sux for the WAS when life doesn't go as planned.

Yes it does. (WAH-WAH-WAHHHH) Sadly, there was time when we were still together I'd be more than happy to consider something to help her out. TBH, there was also a time earlier in our M where I would just blow her off, too, and that probably helped get us to where we are today.

My first event is a Salsa Meetup next week. Yikes!! Hope I don't throw a hip or something!

I think that's awesome!! Hey, you're not that much older than me. If I can do the slip-n-slide at VBS you should be fine at Salsa dancing. You may be sore for a week or two.

[jbnati]

JB use the driving as a negotiating point. Don't let emotion cloud your judgment. Did she have an equally good housing option right near you? How far would you have been totally fine with? How much is your choice wanting to punish her by making her do all the driving? Remember that driving in a car with a kid is some of the best quality time there is so don't throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak. If you let her know what you're thinking about, feeling like it's far and you think you might resent the drive. Then let her talk and listen to her. Then consider sharing the load (if you decide to) then you look a lot more reasonable and considerate then if you state the answer and stick to it rigidly. Just my two cents. I've been following you all along this way and admire you very much.

adinva, thanks so much for stopping in. You've really given me something to think about.

A little history for you - when she first moved out, she was about 10-15 minutes away. Then, in January, she made the decision to move 30 minutes away, the opposite direction. I would be more inclined to work with her if she was closer. 10-15 minutes, I think I can work with, but 30 minutes one way would be extremely tough on a weekday, especially if I was at the office. That would mean about an hour and 50 minutes of driving for me before or after work as opposed to about an hour for her. TBH, there is a small percentage that wants to punish her, but it's more about her choices impacting my life.

Bottom line is I think you've given me enough to think about to the point where I may be willing to bend some, within certain parameters.

[jbnati]

Hey NTX, thanks as always for stopping in.

My W asked questions about using her half of my retirement during the process and it got me VERY angry. I don't know how you kept your cool, but kudos to you.

Thanks. It got me angry, too. I was shaking when I got the text. However, I think 3 cups of coffee had a hand in that, too. I knew I need to take some time to cool down, before I did anything. I spent some time in prayer, too. I called the L I'm probably going to hire to just simply confirm what I was thinking.

Has the divorce been filed in court yet? If so, is there a temporary restraining order or temporary orders in place?

No, nothing's been filed yet. However, I don't have to do her any favors I'm not comfortable doing, either.

Hang in there man, I was a lot further in the process and had many ugly fights, and yet by the grace of God we made it and are together and happy again.

Thanks for reminding me of that, NTX. It gives me hope.

[jbnati]

Thanks JS.

I see the request for money to buy the house as a request for a favor more so than an attempt to manipulate. My W tends to be very impulsive, and on impulse, will sometimes take desperate measures.

Try and find the bigger picture rather than react in the emotions of the moment. There are more hurdles to come. Charge your L with making the arguments and stay out of the drama as much as possible. That is but one of the reasons I hired mine. If I am ever asked why that is the reason I am using.

^^^ I think this describes where I am at. However, when I'm coming off of one this drama episodes, it's very easy to get sucked down into the emotions of the moment. It is also one of reasons of several that I'm planning on hiring a L.

It isn’t over until you are done and decide it is over. I do not believe in preordained destiny your future isn’t written yet and she may still just decide you are the better option. You are. Believe it.

Thanks for reminding me, JS. I do believe it. I think I'm hanging by a thread as far as being done. If I'm still hanging by a thread, then I guess I'm not done yet. I am definitely ready to take this next step, as far as hiring a L and talking about how the D will work out. It makes easier to let go of the rope so to speak. Hopefully I don't pick that thing back up again, though.

[jbnati]

Last night I had a handoff with my W for my S. She offered to bring him to my office or for me to pick him up. I asked her to bring him to my office. She texted me when she got there. I had to let my S in. My W had OM with her.

My GAL'ing activity of choice last night was to go to Kings Island ride coasters with my S. We had a good time together as usual.

[kolja]

We weren't together near long enough for her to get half of my retirement, but when she proposed I dip into retirement savings to give her the money she initially wanted, I about went through the roof. That's where talking with the lawyer was worth the small amount it had cost me (we never went to court, but on this issue I was prepared to). It's definitely frustrating.

Reading your reply to JustStunned, I'm reminded by a post from Michele herself - I'll paraphrase it because I forget exactly where I saw it: if you still have to wonder whether or not you're done, then you're not done.