Oh, by the way Mach1, I wanted to say thanks again for taking the time to help me. You have really helped me think and work thru a couple of things. Your advice has been very well received. I truly appreciate it.
1) do not be controlling 2) do not talk about R 3) do not worry about W's plans to move out or D 4) be happy, fun, maybe even a little flirty!
We had a showing last night that lasted over an hour. We are hopeful that we might get an offer today. W said to me last night "if you have time, can you look at houses for us...these people may want to move fast." She was talking as if we were buying a new place together and I thought, what's going on here. But I didn't say anything, I'm not going to mind read and it doesn't really affect what I look at or decide to purchase anyway. I just went with it and tried to be upbeat.
I am going to try to have some fun today and not worry about what is going on.....and tomorrow, I hope I can do it again, and so on, and so on
If you magically knew, for sure, that she was testing, how would your reaction be different? How would you percieve things? It helps/helped me to see a lot of things as a test until my changes were internalized and solid.
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She's painted scenarios
Yup... many of them...some of the ones my W came up with and was certain on doing, and that I would of course go along with, were, just...just "wow, really?" It is funny now, but not then...just part of the script.
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when I think I'm not asking for much, she sees control....and then she runs.
We train our spouses how to react to us over the years, so she is going to see what she expects, from your past interactions...consistency and time is required for HER habit to change, assuming YOUR S.O.P. is changed...
As far as the EA goes, in my opinion, you are in competition, be the better choice, the better man...for now, let it go. She sees you as controlling, and touching on this (right now) only confirms that in her mind. Let it go for now...truly let it go, you can't control it anyway. Worry about that later. Really dig deep within and don't give the OM and the EA any head space. Oh, and she WILL KNOW if you are faking letting it go...so ya gotta be brutally honest with yourself here. Does it really matter, RIGHT NOW? I think your time is better spent on YOU than on OM....
Just my opinions...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
As far as the EA goes, in my opinion, you are in competition, be the better choice, the better man...for now, let it go. She sees you as controlling, and touching on this (right now) only confirms that in her mind. Let it go for now...truly let it go, you can't control it anyway. Worry about that later. Really dig deep within and don't give the OM and the EA any head space. Oh, and she WILL KNOW if you are faking letting it go...so ya gotta be brutally honest with yourself here. Does it really matter, RIGHT NOW? I think your time is better spent on YOU than on OM....
Yeah, I definitely feel like if she hasn't done anything at this point, she's one push from doing it. I think I've done a pretty good job of accepting that the past is the past and regardless what dirt may be there, I'm still good to move forward with our R. My hangup has been, regardless what may have happened prior, I don't want it to continue. Of course, that festers and then old, bad habits start to show. You are right, I have to truly let it go....I can't control it. This is going to take some work, I am going to have to tell myself everyday, focus on what you can control....focus on me! Let go of the rest.
With all that said, tonight is supposed to be golf night for me, but it's just too friggin hot. W texted me a little bit ago and asked if I was going or no. I said no, but I might go hang out with my B. She just called and reminded me she had a church meeting from 6-7 and then let me know that some girlfriends were going to the wine bar for one of their bdays. She said she was going to stop by for an hour, "not an all night event, just make an appearance." I said ok, tell friend I said happy bday. Then she says, "thanks for finishing dinner. I really appreciate your help."
Wow...finally, 18 months after the first bomb, and a few days after the last bomb, I'm getting some respect and courtesy? WTH is going on here? This is what we've been fighting about for months now. I don't get it, but I'm not going to try to right now either. It's what I've been asking for...I'm going to be thankful for it. I've told her 10 times "I don't expect you to jump in, but if you stick your toe in now and again, you might see that the water's changed." Maybe she's dipping her toe a few times before she moves out. I dunno. And that's twice this week.
Time to finish dinner....probably will skip time with the B and watch a movie with my little people
W was true to her work and probably only stayed 1hr max with her gfs. I wasn't really concerned about it, and didn't even think about when she'd be home or not be home. I just focused on me, and movie night....but the fact that she actually followed thru is progress on her part.
She got home in the middle of the movie and showered, and told me a funny story about a girl who they saw at the wine bar. We then settled in to finish the movie and went to sleep after.
I goofed this morning...she woke me up with a touch and told me about her day. It was only about 630am so I said "where are you going now?" Clearly she was dressed for work, so she had something she needed to do. Even if she was meeting someone for breakfast, what does it matter. I could have asked "do you have an early meeting?" or something similar....I don't think that has the controlling aspect to it like "where are you going" does. Anyway, small error....and I did just wake up, so I'll give myself a break.
I have been thinking a little about boundaries. I think in the last year, I tried to set 2:
1) Inform me of evening plans/changes 2) Stop using D talk as a weapon in arguments
Really, neither of these have been held up. She's continually rolled over both. All of a sudden, she seems to be paying attention to #1 now, but if she's really planning on moving out in 2 weeks, perhaps she's just trying to keep the peace until then. I don't know, but I'm going to spend some more time thinking about what boundaries do I want now and how can I hold firm on them.
I goofed this morning...she woke me up with a touch and told me about her day. It was only about 630am so I said "where are you going now?" Clearly she was dressed for work, so she had something she needed to do. Even if she was meeting someone for breakfast, what does it matter. I could have asked "do you have an early meeting?" or something similar....I don't think that has the controlling aspect to it like "where are you going" does. Anyway, small error....and I did just wake up, so I'll give myself a break.
It appears that she is willing to have some open dialogue with you.
So why don't you just tell her...???
I have noticed that when we have conversation, when I am in a partially awake state of mind, I tend to be an asshat. And I would like to ask, that anything that is important to us, or that I absolutely have to remember, be addressed when I am fully awake. Leaving me a note works well too
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I have been thinking a little about boundaries. I think in the last year, I tried to set 2:
1) Inform me of evening plans/changes 2) Stop using D talk as a weapon in arguments
Really, neither of these have been held up. She's continually rolled over both. All of a sudden, she seems to be paying attention to #1 now, but if she's really planning on moving out in 2 weeks, perhaps she's just trying to keep the peace until then. I don't know, but I'm going to spend some more time thinking about what boundaries do I want now and how can I hold firm on them.
Boundaries.....
Sticky subject there.....
She hasn't respected your boundaries, and you get run over by them....
When I read them, they look very controlling to me. BECAUSE you are trying to control the actions of another person....
Boundaries are for you. They should be in place for your protection, not to place restrictions on anyone else. They should be in place to protect your personal emotional space. To limit the amount of pain that another person can inflict onto you.
Before you can put them into place, you really have to know who YOU are ...
What you can allow inside...
What you are willing to tolerate...
What you can, and cannot live with...
Do you know that right now ????
So let's 'breakdown' your boundaries.....
#1- Inform me of evening plans/changes
I may be wrong, yet it appears that you are doing the majority of the Parenting during the evening hours...
Yes ?
If that is the case, then #1 is pretty easy, and actually it should be unspoken...
YOU should be making the plans for the evening. No questions, no BS.
And YOU can communicate to her, what YOUR plans are....
Wife, I am planning dinner for the kids at 5:37pm. After dinner, we are planning on going to Billy Bobs Barber Emporium to learn how to shave a Sasquatch. We should be home around 9. Please let me know if you are planning on joining us.
Wife, I am not planning on being home this evening, I have made plans and should be home around 10.
You aren't being an ass or anything, you are simply taking control of the things that you are already taking care of. The only difference is, that you are showing confidence in YOUR actions.
Be respectful, and tactful when you interact.
So really, there is no boundary to put in place, or enforce...
I was once told that...
Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell, and they look forward to the trip....
Sometimes.....you have to be the change that you want to see...
#2 ?----Stop using D talk as a weapon in arguments
That one is pretty easy.....
I will no longer allow myself to live in a marriage, where I am threatened with a Divorce when my values differ from my partners. If you feel the need to continue this, then I feel we should proceed with your wishes.
You aren't giving an ultimatum to her in any way. You are simply stating what you can, and cannot live with. It is about YOU....the way boundaries should be....
You are merely giving HER the choice to do things different...
Mach, great help on the boundaries. I guess my point was, I tried to set some boundaries and it didn't work at all, so I need to look at what boundaries I really want and how to set them.
The points on #1 are exactly what I needed. I've got to stop sitting here waiting...I've got to lead, I've got to take care of me. If she chooses to not come along, then that's her decision and her loss.
On #2, I'm not sure that is a boundary I should set. It is something that is very hurtful to me, and it just adds to the stress of this roller coaster ride, but I don't think I should have to say that. I'm going to think on this one a bit.
With regards to the morning discussion, another great suggestion. I should have noted, she didn't get upset or anything. She was very polite and told me the work she had to get done before a meeting. I just don't want to talk like that as I know it's a destructive type behavior, regardless who I'm talking to.
3) Last night, we talked a long time about her issues. Ultimately, she feels trapped. She feels controlled. She doesn't have the desire to try right now. She isn't saying she doesn't want to be with me, or work things out, she just desperately needs some space to work thru her own issues and see if she feels differently about our past. I get that, and I do agree....but I asked if there wasn't some other option that would allow her to get her space (i.e. in house separation, every other week w/o divorce). I think this probably seems like pursuing, but I really worry about the damage we might be doing to the kids just so she can figure out what she wants. Thoughts?
I think that you should rest on this for a couple days. Then read your own words again, and see if you have a different view of them.
She is telling you that she feels controlled....
Is she ?
I have been thinking about this for a few days and again, my comments are made with the "fixer" mentality, and by trying to fix it, I'm trying to control it. I actually think I've noticed this when I'm talking, I just justify it by saying it's about the kids, or it has to be said, or something else. This is an extremely bad habit now that I look at it, and given my other behaviors regarding insecurity and not trusting, this is probably seen as more of the same in my W's eyes. No wonder she feels controlled....when she says "hey, I'm feeling controlled," I respond by saying "I have a fix for that, do this instead." Doh!
On #2, I'm not sure that is a boundary I should set. It is something that is very hurtful to me, and it just adds to the stress of this roller coaster ride, but I don't think I should have to say that. I'm going to think on this one a bit.
If you are uncomfortable laying a boundary, then you are not ready to enforce it....
Simple as that...
Boundaries HAVE to be enforced, or they just become meaningless words ---yet again, from the LBS
I have been thinking about this for a few days and again, my comments are made with the "fixer" mentality, and by trying to fix it, I'm trying to control it. I actually think I've noticed this when I'm talking, I just justify it by saying it's about the kids, or it has to be said, or something else. This is an extremely bad habit now that I look at it, and given my other behaviors regarding insecurity and not trusting, this is probably seen as more of the same in my W's eyes. No wonder she feels controlled....when she says "hey, I'm feeling controlled," I respond by saying "I have a fix for that, do this instead." Doh!
