Stronger

[MichelleLT]

First, great job on concentrating on your lifestyle!

Second, neither of you are the same people you were a few years ago, and things won't necessarily happen the same way. That being said, because of what's happened, it's totally reasonable for his going away to trigger anxiety in you. And while I obviously wouldn't recommend you say anything to him about being worried about what he'd do while he's gone, I think it would be more than fair to say that you could ask for some reassurance from him because this will be hard for you.

Finally, so sorry to hear about your friend! You give great advice sweetie, and you do okay with the DBing too. It's hard for you to see that from the inside, but trust us, you do great.

(((Mishka)))

[mishka422]

Ok folks....I'm pretty excited about this but not getting my hopes up too much....I'm down 5 pounds this week and I didn't even have time to hit the gym. CRAZY! Of course, that weigh in was done the morning after I had to take a diuretic because I was majorly bloating (being a woman is such fun...NOT!) the night before. I'll get a more clear weigh in next week so it may not be 5 but that couldn't all be water, right? Fingers crossed.

On the other side, my anxiety level is at DEFCON 3 at the moment. I'm not going to full scale level 5 but it's inching closer to a 4 all the time. Gabe leaves for Cali tomorrow evening. He said the strangest thing to me last night and at first it made me nervous. He said, "Now, don't you be calling me all the time in CA and telling me you can't sleep." (When we were married I used to tell him I couldn't sleep when he was gone.) After he said that and I had a momentary panic about why he was saying that, he laughed and said, "I know I won't sleep at all when you're gone so I plan to call you and whine about it daily!"

I don't even know why I felt I needed to say it but I told him I learned to sleep alone and I have a strategy. Oops. Didn't mean to remind him of that but it's the truth and I have a bad habit of the truth just spilling out of my mouth before I think about the consequences of what I am saying.

I don't think he took it badly. I just felt bad that I had said anything.

So, I'm using breathing techniques and a rubber band on my wrist to keep my emotions under control. When my axiety starts to flare I do my breathing exercises and then snap myself back into submission!

[kml]

Drat - you missed your chance to say "Sleeping alone? Who says I'll be sleeping alone?"

[mishka422]

Too true kml, but I'm just not that quick witted. Darn it!

I've been doing ok since he left Friday night. I stayed up far too late watching movies but that's just because I could, not because I couldn't sleep. Yea!

My momentary panic attacks are farther between now so that's a plus. There is such a distrust in my nature now and it really makes me mad! I used to be FAR too trusting of most people, now I'm so cynical that I trust NO ONE even those who have never given me any reason to distrust them. It really galls me.

Gabe has been enjoying his visit with his mom and best friend. He did go out with his friend and got hammered for his birthday which is a rarity. He is a super lightweight. He was so blotto he actually got up at a karaoke night and sang Sweet Home Alabama and remembers doing it! OMG! I would have paid to see that! His friend was so shocked that he did it that he forgot to pull out his phone to record it. He told me it was hilarious though.

My thoughts are drifting more and more to what do I really want for my future and it's frustrating me that I can't seem to focus on it. I think of what I think I want and then I talk myself out of it. So frustrating!

[SunFunOne]

Hi MIsh,

Yes - I think that is the problem that many of us have had at some point. Figuring out what we see for ourselves in our future. Getting clear with ourselves. Following our heart or our head (or a combination of both). Deciding if we are doing things for ourselves, the person we love or our kids. Yours is a more confusing situation that most.

I wanted to be with my husband at all costs. My heart told me that. My head knew I had an opportunity to escape but I had to give my heart a chance first. It took me a LONG time but I finally realized that he would NEVER change. Never be the man I needed him to be. I would never be first in his life. And for me - that was not good enough. I decided I was better off alone than to be with that man.

And it was only when I finally let go of the dream of "how it could be" that I was able to realize that I could still have a good life without him. I never ever dreamed that it would be with a someone new who allowed ME to be ME. Who loved me for who I was. Who enhanced my life - didn't "complete" me.

Tough questions we need to ask ourselves. But, like everything - we know when we know - what is best for us.

Sometimes time apart gives us good thinking opportunities. Enjoy your late night movie marathons - sounds like fun!

Barb

[mishka422]

Doing ok. Still in contemplation about what I want to approach next but it's not like I'm in any rush to do anything about it so I'll just keep overthinking as usual!

I leave two weeks from today for 10 days. That should be interesting. I've been looking forward to this for so long but as it gets closer I'm getting more and more worried about being away that long. UGH. Anxious mind again. Once this is all over maybe I can get into some sort of rythym and figure all my mess out.

[MichelleLT]

The nice thing about contemplation, is there's no deadline. LOL

Can't believe your trip is coming up so quick!

And hysterical about Gabe doing karaoke!

[mishka422]

Oh it's a proud moment here in GA.

I was listening to the the morning radio show on my fave station and they were talking to the founder of that cheating website...you know, the one with the initials A.M......UGH. Anyway, he was breaking down statistics based on areas in the metro Atlanta area and gave the top 10 cities with registered users on the site. My city is #9. UGH! Disgusting!

Ok, rant over.....1 week and 2 days and I'm outta here on vacay!!!!!

[MichelleLT]

That's horrible.

But yay for vacay!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mishka422]

VACATION!!!!! Tomorrow morning!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!

Can you tell I'm excited. I'm just looking forward to not working for nearly 2 weeks. That is a dream!