I can't believe how irresponsible he is. I KNOW maggot probably pushed for it. I honestly think because they both screwed over their own kids - they're pretending this kid is "theirs". Ashley says he has brought the kid into her store too. I know it is not the kid's fault but Ash doesn't want a R with this kid. She does not have ANY R with maggot. Very little with her dad.
Still debating whether to text him about this or not. I just feel like they keep pushing, pushing,pushing and I HATE that!
You are wise beyond your years. And I think you're totally right. I had been told I didn't even have to have EX on the list because - yes - I am POA, custodial parent etc. And that was his birthday visit. Likely we won't see him till the Fall. and I CAN control the visit.
He IS a bit (or a lot) crazy. And SHE controls the entire R. If she says the kid comes - the kid comes. Because he does whatever she tells him and has from the day she met him. He is afraid to lose her - because then he has no one.
So I'm cutting myself some slack tonight - letting it go. But the hospital will get my list of approved visitors tomorrow.
Ashley's had a rough week. Thinking of splitting with her BF. Yesterday she got into it with me. She messaged me that her 2nd job (nutrition store) is offering her full-time but she will keep the pet store job part-time too. And just as I was sending congrats - the hospital called me not once but twice so my reply was delayed and she freaked - thinking I wasn't happy for her. I got really reamed.
Sometimes its just tough to be Mom.
But the physio told me today that I'm the best Mom ever. And Ash told me I'm a super mom. And my new friend came over briefly after we did a charity bingo tonight and told me I'm great. (not sure why she said that). Boy - those things really helped because sometimes I feel like I'm not cutting it. Ryan has not even looked at me in my last 3 visits. That bums me out.
I am still just INCENSED that he brought maggot and the kid to visit Ryan in hospital. Ryan does not even know them. He is immunocompromised. He has been on 8 antibiotics in 5 months and has pretty much no defences. I had told him he would need to gown to visit. I have a feeling that they were lax and the w/e and didn't make him do it so he just allowed maggot and the kid in. I am SO not ok with this.
But how do I make myself clear to him when he takes everything I say as a threat and retaliates. maggot knows no limits. My workers have told me that he has brought her along on visits and she has got in so close to him - touching him, her face practically in his belly when they are tube feeding him so she can "see".
My workers have also told me that she has hugged them. They have told me that they are extremely uncomfortable with this. When my ex's affair started - people who knew her told me that her behaviour was extreme and she knew no limits. She also would push harder if rules were put in place (co workers mentioned this).
So - what to do. I can't email him - he won't give me his email. Phoning usually ends in a shouting match. I can text - but hard to get my point across. Do I write a letter? Outline what is acceptable? Will this make it better or worse? Or do I just let the hospital control the hospital and my workers control his visits? Or do I only allow him visits at my house - alone. (he does not know where I live).
Barb, When you aren't sure what to do, do nothing at this time. I would go w/what the hospital mandates and speak to your workers. If he wants to visit again, that is when I would advise him that only immediate family members are allowed in to see him and that they must be gowned do to his being immunocompromised.
I realize it is very difficult dealing w/him, but I think the best way to handle this particular incident is to sit quietly and work w/your workers behind the scene. You don't know if he truly is nuts or if this was done to push your buttons, but whatever the reason, you will have your say the next time around, i.e., immediate family only.
I hope that Ryan is doing better that he'll be home soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think you're right. It is SO hard to sit on your hands and not fire off a letter when your child is endangered. And Ryan is SO special and we have been through SO much. I am almost certain that he chooses NOT to bring her in to the hospital (or the kid) but maggot pushes and pushes until she gets it HER way. She has a long history of doing this - making other people uncomfortable and also to push my buttons.
I have an excellent rapport with the head nurse so I will sit down and talk to her about this. I will make a list of visitors for her - it is a really short list but it is people who know and care about Ryan (immediate family & his workers). I had already talked about what I was comfortable with during his visit - like not taking him outside (I do NOT trust him). But on the w/e - things were fairly lax. That is NOT ok with me.
But the only way to not allow this to escalate, in my opinion, is to NOT confront him. I know he won't be back soon as it is a 3 hour drive. But since it is summer and I live in the lake district - he will probably come back before summer's end.
My workers were told how to handle it after the first time she came along and got too up close and personal. I told them to guard Ryan. I put NOTHING past maggot. That she could not get close when they are doing personal care (such as flushing out his tummy tube). And to speak up when she starts touching him. That Ryan does not like that (he doesn't).
It amazes me that people would go this far and not consider Ryan's rights. A few years ago when Ashley saw her dad take Ryan on an outing then pick maggot up at the store at the end of our street - she called him out on it. Told him she was NOT ok with it. That Ryan can't speak for himself but that she and Brandon don't want to be around maggot and they don't want that for Ryan either. My lawyer told me that was the best way to handle it - let them tell their dad, not me. I don't think he wants to alienate them further.
My son, Brandon (30) is visiting for the w/e. He lives in Toronto (app 2.5 hrs away) so I don't see him as much as I like, especially since he sold his car last year. We've had a great time so far - boating, great meals and just chilling. It was a last minute visit - I suggested he come on the bus and it worked out well. Josh will drive him home later today.
He told me something last night that was bothering him. Said his dad had called him 2 weeks ago and asked him how Ryan was doing. He told him he wasn't sure. His dad replied "What do you mean you don't know - you're his brother"...
He told me he wanted to reply "Why don't YOU know? YOU'RE HIS FATHER!!!". But he didn't. He is very angry that his father is so uninvolved in all of their lives.
And 11 years ago my ex told me "Don't worry Barb. The kids will bounce back". There has been no bouncing!
Brandon made him a card - it was really funny. And Ryan had several cards that friends had sent. We were reading them. And Brandon read the "Happy 34th" from his Dad. Ummm - he just looked at me and said "Yep, that's Dad. He has no idea how old I am either..."
