I agree in that assessment of X in her 20's would absolutely hate the X she is now. I think she does actually, but that's another story for another time...
Blame? Not sure I'm with you on that one. I did what I did with the information and understanding I had.
When it is all said and done, I walked away with me. With my integrity. With my sanity. Most of my sanity at any rate.
To really love somebody, we have to let them make their choices, their way. We don't have to like it, but we do need to let them even if it absolutely the opposite of what they used to be and say they believed. It's part of it in my mind.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hello Everyone- I thought I would resurrect this old thread and give a little updadte since my xh seems to be peeking out of the tunnel again. Coming here reminds me of all I have been through with him and hopefully it will give me some perspective. I really should shut that door of my life and lock it but I sometimes I can't help but question myself. Could he change? Could he truly realize that I wasn't the problem? Does it matter because how could I trust him?
My xh has been doing touch and goes for months now. In fact, several months ago, he told me he was sorry and he realized that he blamed me for many things that weren't my fault. So last week he asked if I would meet him for dinner. I'm not exactly sure why I agreed to meet him but I did. When we met he apologized again for what happened between us. He implied (but never came out and directly said) that he would like to work something out between us. A few days later he texted me "It was nice seeing you. I miss talking with you but understand that you might not feel like talking with me." I replied "At times I miss talking to you. I appreciate your apology for how things turned out and it makes me wonder if we could re-establish some kind of friendship. It isn't impossible but it might not be easy." He replied "I really do miss a lot about us".
I have to remind myself that this doesn't mean much. Before our last go around, this would have been enough to convince me that he was finally coming through this and we could start rebuilding our life together. I can't think that way now since my xh has left me twice. How could I ever trust him again? Just to get my xh out of my head after this last go around, I spent months repeating to myself "You deserve better". It became my mantra. In the last 14 month, I have "found" myself again and I'm learning to be happy on my own. Being single really it's all bad. I'd prefer to find committed companionship but either way, I will be happy.
When we met for dinner the other night, I let my xh know that I would have difficulty trusting him and that it seems that he just pops up periodically to stick his toe in to test the water. His reply was "Rome wasn't built in a day"! In any case, he will have to continue to build Rome himself and it looks like that is going to take a long time.
So, the question is would I be better off shutting the door again and keeping it locked?
Upside, What do you want? Do you want to reconnect and eventually reconcile? It takes a very long time for them to finally land back on earth and reality. You can continue living your life and leave the door ajar if you are interested in reconciling. However, if you are completely done, you can close the door and continue moving forward and still treat him as a long lost cousin. It's your call.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Since all you seem to get is the peeking out of the tunnel and it sounds like you want more than that.
I would tell him what you think. What more could he do to you?
You are already divorced.
As far as trusting him, I think that no matter who you are with you will have those issues. He would need to prove it to you. I think that you cant trust them unless they prove otherwise and one of my friends who's husband had an MLC and she has been reconciled for 5 years, she still does not trust her husband. I dont think she ever will completely trust her husband and he is totally recovered from MLC and their marriage is great.
I think you should do what YOU want, which from the sound of things is what you have been doing.
Hello Snodderly, Thank you for the reply. I hope you are well. I thought I knew what I wanted and that I was completely done. I don't know why at this moment I am feeling less resolute and even considering that there might be even a slight chance of reconciliation. It has been 7 years of this craziness and still, at the moment, I can't say with 100% certainty that I am done. Maybe I'm crazy too! Haha!
Hi Cadet- We do have to continue the tradition! How are you? Anything new with you?
Originally Posted By: Cadet
As far as trusting him, I think that no matter who you are with you will have those issues. He would need to prove it to you.
So true. I'm not sure I will ever completely trust anyone and I probably haven't for awhile now. The good thing is that I have changed and become more independent and what others do doesn't effect me like it used to. The bad thing is I don't think I can let myself care as deeply as once did.
Yes, I am doing what I want to do and I am happier which makes it harder to consider the possibility of reconciling.
He just asked me out to dinner for tonight and I turned him down (I have plans) but suggested a day next week. After that, I'll be on a 2 week vacation which will give me time to think.
Upside, Trusting again takes a lot of time because it's like learning to walk. If you do consider reconciling, your xh will need to prove to you that you can trust him again. He has to be the one to jump through hoops to win you back. I think that what is happening is that he's touching base w/you again and it's creating a bit of confusion in your head and most importantly your heart. If you aren't sure what you want to do, sit on it for a while, take your vacation and then see how you feel.
The first step is to become friends again and that would involve dating. I'm sure at some point, you'll go out to dinner w/him and then go from there. I would date him for a while and see what happens. However, I wouldn't allow him back into my life on a full time basis until you are absolutely sure that he is the man that you want to be. Trusting will come if he proves himself to you.
You do not need to make a decision today. As they say "all roads lead to Rome". Take this new revelation slowly, listen to what he says, but mostly importantly his actions should tell you what is truly on his mind. If the words and actions don't align, then he's not ready to return to you as a mature man.
Enjoy your vacation and take this time to truly relax and have some fun.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly, I completely agree with you and I wish it was easier for me to just use my head and keep my heart out of it for now.
My xh and I met for dinner the other night. Again he told me he misses me and our friendship. However,this time he went a little further and was able to tell me that he wants to work things out which just got my head spinning. I loved this man for so long and then, in order to go forward without him, I had to remind myself of his faults and convince myself that I deserved better. I believed my xh would eventually come to this realization, I just didn't think it would take this long. I rebuilt my life and i was finally happier. Now I have to decide if I can forgive him IF he can prove himself. It sounds somewhat easy, right?....Just let him prove himself. Well, for me, this all makes me a little crazy because I can't seem to keep my heart out of it until he proves himself. I'm already feeling vulnerable. And then to top it off, my xh confessed to me that he has slept with a couple of other women. I'm not exactly sure how the topic came up but he said I asked and he wanted to be honest. Ugh! I believe it was post our last breakup but it still bothers me.
I told my xh he was going to have to be "all in" and prove himself. He agreed. Now I'm on vacation for 2 weeks. Which is good so I have time to think...or does it give me too much time to get into my head???
Upside, It's okay...your heart has been shattered and it's going to take some time to mend and yes, your xh will need to win you back. It's not going to happen over the course of weeks, but months.
Take your time and work on things slowly. Friendship has to be the first step and go from there. Because each of you has been on a separate journey, you both will need to learn about each other again. It's going to be new and very much different as the journey has changed both of you.
Use your vacation time to do things for you. Leave your xh and mlc out of the equation, if you can. You need this time for yourself and do some fun things. When the time is right, God will reveal his plans for the both of you. Bottom line...don't rush the process, i.e., allow things to naturally progress.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I had a fantastic and memorable vacation but now I am back home to face reality. While I was gone, my xh texted me daily making me feel like there was sincerity behind the words he said to me before i left. Now that I'm home, nothing! Maybe I'm overly anxious but I thought if he really was wanting to move forward, he would make plans to see me and so far nothing. Granted I've only been back for a little over 24 hours but the lack of contact now makes me feel like he's hiding again. There go my trust issues!!! As I told him, he has to make the effort so I refuse to initiate contact. It appears he is still scared and resisting. Whatever it is going on, I can't do the roller coaster again. I just want him to man up and be consistent or leave me alone for good. Is that asking too much right now?
