DB Bootcamp - bustingout with JackThreeBeans

[bustingout]

Hi Jack3beans..

I thought you had meant weak willed in that he also had/ has the opportunity to talk to me, tell me about his unhappiness instead of bringing in a Third party to the M...Instead of turning his back on M.

Sorry for missing the sarcasm... Maybe I am still trying too hard!

I wholeheartedly can take on my ressnibility in this. I am yours to work with.

Don't worry about the nice thing ....

Good weekend thanks...
It's ok...

[bustingout]

Hi jack3beans,

How are you? I am still reading through the MLC threads as you advised.

Patience and time is what screams out at me. Which is what we have to give anyway I guess.

I am finding it difficult to wrap my head around whether or not H is MLC and actually whether or not it matters in my sitch. Maybe time will reveal more of what he going through, I don't know.

I am in Germany right now and am leaving to the UK for three days (GAL)
the same day H arrives. I actually leave those before he arrives. I am a bit relieved... I guess its the whole self esteem thing.

I hope you are having a great day.

Busting

[Jack_Three_Beans]

My days are ok. : )

Self esteem thing? As in yours is suffering? Did I read that right?

Well here is the cool thing about self esteem, it comes from self. Not anyone else. While other people can influence you? Your esteem is all up to you, if you like you? Then it really doesn't matter what other people think.

Especially not a husband who isn't making the most...moral decisions at the moment. : )

[bustingout]

Yes you understood correctly. I am starting to like me again. I didn't for a long while.

I just posted this on my thread:


As you know, I live in Sudan. Right now I am in Germany with my kids.

My H has been in working in the south of the country for the past almost 6 months. OW has been with him.

Everything that has happened has been via email ( him being done, in R with OW, etc).

He has not been back to where we live since April. I saw him the one time in Dubai early June.

He went back to where we live yesterday ( not at our home of course. I actually have no idea where he is staying...I assume at OW place) because he has to fly out of the capital city to get to Germany.

So now he is where all of our friends are etc. Where his 'debut' with OW will now be made.

I received a text from a friend there that said 'X has invited us all ( the gang) over tonight, and your H will be there. Not known yet if OW will be there too'

Now, I know this is all fear fear fear and speculation, but lets face it, she probably will be there with H.

I feel panicky, I feel beaten. I feel like he thinks I am ok with this all because of being NC and one of the last conversations we had two months ago was me asking him to just leave me alone for awhile. That with his email telling me about her, it somehow has become 'ok' for him to be with her.

I sometimes can't believe this is my reality. It was easier when he was far away. This is now, literally too close to home. It means I really have to put in to place the things I have learned.

So What I guess I want to say is this makes me feel negative again, it plays on my self esteem. I want to learn how to deal with it. To overcome it so I don't feel overwhelmed with neagitivtiy, anger, darkness. I don't want to feel blown away each time I hear/see something about H. how can I control that? What can I do differently?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Now, I know this is all fear fear fear and speculation, but lets face it, she probably will be there with H.

She might she might not.

So what if she is? Does her being there make you less of a person? Does it take away everything you have learned or changed in yourself?

Tell you what falling back intot he person you used to be...will justify in his mind his choice...That's not mind reading. That's human nature.

Part of not over-reacting or being blown away is to take things simply at face value. This applies to good and bad things. And while most of believe we are the main character in a story...we are only the main charater in OUR story. In his story? He verylikely isn't going out of his way to hurt or punish you...that's alot of effort, and truth be told IF he was that EVIL? I'd say move on.

Remember what you hear aout your husband? Is not first hand information either it comes from someone else...not you. So that requires a filter. Why are they telling me this? Is this person a gossip whore? : ) Is this person trustworthy?

Time and patience...believe it or not, both are your allies.

[bustingout]

Ok - I think I am getting it, take it at face value EVERYTHiNG at face value.

And while it does effect me, even though like you said it is not about me directly, my reaction is my choice. I can choose how i let it effect me. And this is where my new learning comes into play.

This is a drop in the ocean of time and patience. Ok.

Thank you

[bustingout]

Jack3beans,
How are you?

Lately my infrequent phone conversations with H have been more friendly and jokey. No, I am not thinking it's a 'sign' or anything, but am a little freaked out kind of. Why? It does seem that he s mirroring me, he is more friendly, and 'talky' as well ( I can imagine with the tremendous amount of pressure that has been relieved from his perspective after I stopped R talk, etc)

But I am going to now see him in 2 days. And I am nervous. It will be the first time we are together - even in the same house, ( not bed), for a long long time. On the phone I feel I can 'control' myself more. I am not sure how to put it into practice ( it even seems easier in Dubai- but that was a hotel room, he wasn't staying there, etc).

I am aware I am not fully detached. I am aware that I could come across as too distant ( in an attempt to try and detach!). I do want to be friendly, I don't want expectations, but I don't want to be perceived as pursuing. And I am really trying hard (mentally right now as I write) to not be concerned with 'what he must be thinking'

I keep going back to the MLC thread....as you advised. So much to learn!

P.s. Am in the uk on my GAL weekend and passed by a bookshop and in the window was 50 shades of grey... I burst out laughing because I remembered your post. :-)

[bustingout]

J3b

I feel like I need to be doing 'more' in terms of detaching and finding solutions. I don't know if you read my thread, but I am wondering if its time to do more than NC?

Busting

[Jack_Three_Beans]

IS NC working for you? Have you mastered it yet?

Cause things are going to change in 2 days.

IF this is MLC? You simply cannot rush this. If this is not MLC then changing up from NC and doing more...like what..LRT? Isn't going to be consistent.

Doing something that seems to be making an impact doesn't mean you rush forward into other...tactics to make things go the way you want them too.

Believe it or not Busting, you do have something to prove to him. And that is that you HAVE changed, right?

[bustingout]

I don't think I have mastered it yet at all. But it has been working for me because it has helped/helping me

I suppose I was panicking. I still kind of am( leave to airport soon),

no rushing, and maintain consistency. Time and patience always.

I believe it j3b, you are right.

I know what I need to do.

Thank you for talking to me straight up. It's sobering.

Busting