I texted H to say happy 4th and make a joke about celebrating independance from a country I now choose to live in. He said funny, I was just about to text you the same thing. I then said I think our last 4th in the states was in x town on vacation. Then I said no, what am I thinking we lived in X for a few years. I must be getting old. He said it's funny I think of that as our last too...and he started reminicing about that vacation together!!!!!!! So I kept it lighthearted and asked if he'd fixed the car He said that he had but he had to take the train to work today because he'd left the car there and he had to switch at my train station and was GOING TO SURPRISE ME! but mine was boarding and he missed me. I didn't mention that I don't take that train anymore I take a later one...instead I just reminded myself of the positive. He remembered the train time I used to take when we lived together. And he was thinking of me, going to surprise me, and text me about the 4th.
SHEESH!!!!!!!!! He asked me what his mum had gotten S for his birthday and I replied and said that I would see him tomorrow ending the convo. I took a page out of StubbornDyke's book in leaving him wanting a bit more.
I am still MANAGING my expectations. And I think what I took from this is sometimes our feelings don't reflect the reality of the sitch. I was feeling disconnected and a bit hopeless but in reality our interaction is still warm and friendly and fun.
I've also been thinking a lot about what Zig and KD have talking about in terms of all or nothing and being a martyr. I'm going to ask him for a favour tomorrow involving S. In the past he's told me I was being silly in not asking him to help and it's true I was being a victim in "I'm a single mom now...he doesn't help me with things, I must be independant" It would mean me not missing a day of work and I think he would enjoy it and S would too.
I am still MANAGING my expectations. And I think what I took from this is sometimes our feelings don't reflect the reality of the sitch. I was feeling disconnected and a bit hopeless but in reality our interaction is still warm and friendly and fun.
This is so true Brit. And sometimes I think that's why my mind starts to play tricks on me AND I overlook some of the positive as well.
I am glad you had such a wonderful and positive interaction is morning with H :-).
I have been following the martyr convo as well, it has given a lot of food for thought. Good for you for you to ask for a favour. It does sound like it would actually be a benefit to you, H and S. I am still not ready to do this. I admire you so.
Have a great day Brit :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Yes when I was talkinng to Cheryl she kept saying that I need to assume the good and look for the positive. I have a tendancy to say yes he did or said x, BUT..... and I need to stop.
In fact he sent me a very long text after that about his car issues and instead of thinking he's sharing his life with me I thought....that must have been meant for someone else. ARGH and what did I do send a very short reply because I thought that wasn't really meant for me.
every few days, i'll start thinking about something, or observing it, either in myself or in h or in our sitch, and it will be on the edge of my mind - sort of just a growing awareness.
and its bloody uncanny, but i'll come to read on the boards - and there's discussion about it and others are going through the same exact thing, in the same way.
brit - it's really really hard to assume the positive - because we are self-protective to a large extent. i'm trying to see it as my latest 180 - doing 180's start with a bit of discomfort and at first we have to act as if before they get truly established.
i think it's the same here - i have to stay on top of that reaction you described constantly. my first instinct is to go to the worst case scenario, but i'm getting better at it, and so will you:0
i'm glad you had that wonderful interaction with your h this morning, there's a lot of positives there, and as joann told me, write them down and read them everyday, to keep yourself encouraged
about being martyrish - didn't even realize anyone else was reading about tit or it was resonating with anyone else here.
to further that discussion - apart from the WAS's displaying that before and after the B, how many of us LBS's go through that phase too, in some way...
brit - your comments about our feelings don't always reflect the reality of the sitch - [censored], i was starting to realize that too
i was feeling so discouraged over the last few days and then every time there was contact with h - it was friendly and opposite of what i expected because of the pic in my head, and then i would get confused about what is really happening and what i think is happening.
is that a sign that we are still too caught up in it, or rather just another result of the was's unexpected states of mind!!
it's true I was being a victim in "I'm a single mom now...he doesn't help me with things, I must be independant"
I did this^^ - until just recently . i think it mucked things up a lot between us. i'm only seeing it now and have changed it and the result - he is much more approachable. lesson learned: those ^^ are the subtle types of pressure we put on them, that we don't see, and that they take as clear signs that we are angry, unforgiving and do not really agree with what they are saying.
otoh, we have to do it first to find out that we can be ok on our own - at least i had to. the advantage of doing it is also showing them a bunch of 180's and taking off pressure. but i've found that it was a bit of a catch 22, in the long run.
hope you all have a great day -
(((( ))) Zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I had a wonderful night out with S. Did dinner and a movie for his birthday. We had fun. I remembered how nervous and anxious I felt when I took him to a movie on my own back in Jan or Feb. I remember it feeling like a big deal that we'd do this on our own. And last night it was so normal and natural. I always think of myself as being confident and strong and now I'm thinking that actually I'd become quite meek and timid and insular....Even dealing with people working at the cinema or restaurants I'm so much more normal...strange.
I had a good interaction with H this morning. He texted me to say that he was going to take S out for dinner for his birthday if that was okay with me. I said yes that's fine. (a funny thing happened...all I wanted before was for H and S to have a relationship and now I feel a bit left out...I want to go to dinner with them!!! I didn't say that of course) I told him about an ad (from his line of work) that made me cry he said he knew the exact one. I mentioned that I had been planning to talk to him about doing a favour and mentioned it. and he said of course. consider it sorted. So I was very happy at that. And another reminder not to worry too much about should I or shouldn't I.
Last night (damn those films Zig) I had this massive pang of wanting children and feeling like that possibility has been taken away (at least for now) and I regretted not having kids with H. I worry that maybe I won't ever have more kids. But I also know enough people who have thought that and everything changes....
Today I had a giddy smile on my face on my way into work. the kind of smile that previously only "being in love" would have given me. And the more I thought about that, the more I smiled.
Today I had a giddy smile on my face on my way into work. the kind of smile that previously only "being in love" would have given me. And the more I thought about that, the more I smiled.
woohoo!! smile on girl - we are invincible in the face of this - in spite of those damn films!!!
(((((((((( )))))))))) zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Hey Brit just catching up on your last few pages -
I think it's great that you sent him the message about S and that he responded positively. I completely agree that helping him feel not inadequate (double negative, sorry!) can only be a good thing in general and really it can only help your S if they end up having an improved relationship. And of course if you are half the person you sound like on here your S has a wonderful mother who is learning so much through this process to help him going forward. How lucky he is!!
As for the surprise with the train station I had a good chuckle. Good for you for refocusing on your expectations vs. reality. And it sounds like you had a lovely time with S on his birthday - hooray! I know EXACTLY what you mean about feeling meek/timid around others and not feeling that way anymore because I feel EXACTLY the same way!! It's probably what I'm most thankful for in this process. I also know exactly the pangs about not having children. Over the past week I've been worrying that going forward I'm going to sound pathetically desperate when dating people. I need to not do that
And YAY for the giddy smile - keep it up!! ( I do believe I read somewhere that just the act of exercising your smile muscles by smiling can contribute to PMA - that can only be good for you and bring good things to you!)
H is here right now in the other room with Q. I felt a bit guilty because I'm so tired and didn't feel up to being fun and flirty...even friendly.
I dressed nice. We were talking and then he farted really loud and grinned and said Missed Me? (roll my eyes)
We were talking about S, about other stuff. We were talking about the yard and I said just sorta to myself keeping up with this house keeps me busy. And he said one day next week I'll come by and do it. I bit my tongue and didn't say you did a half ass job last time!!! But I didn't. I just said you sure? thanks.
I mentioned an event in a few weeks time something I heard that was going to happen there and he said which day? and I said why? and he said because I'm going the first day. and it just effing turned my stomache. I have always loved that event, and never been to a full day. He's always talked sh*t about. The first year we lived here we went after work and met up with his mum and sis but there was only a couple hours left of the day. And now he's taking a full day off to go with his family and GF!!!
Who knows maybe everytime he sees me he thinks so she could lose the weight AFTER we split?
I'm afraid after that I sorta clammed up.He and S are online in the next room ordering his present. They're going to dinner after that.
So NO sooner had I typed that H and S walk back into the living room and H says so we're going to have a couple of burgers up the road at the pub. And I say have fun..I'm going to have some left overs and he says would you like a burger from up the road with us? And I say sure! that'll be fun.
And I realize this was one of my goals when I read DR H inviting me do something OUTSIDE the house.
It was funny because I didn't feel strange or odd or funny. Maybe because I'd let myself get mad I felt a bit indifferent and then when we got there. I sorta felt like a family again but quickly realigned my expectations and told myself to stop thinking like that.
Because it was a pretty sunny night, we sat outside. I took off my blazer and I was wearing a silk halter top underneath and I know I looked amazing.... We both had a drink with dinner and I think it helped loosen us up. At first conversation was a bit awkward. I mentioned his stepdad and he mentions that GF is helping him with something business wise. A) I get that she's super intelligent, educated, and makes a lot of money B) getting involved in your BF (of 4 months) step dad's business dealings reeks of codependancy but we all knew that. I tried to ignore and move on.
He brought up something that happened early in our M. The story is a bit tedious. But basically he thought I'd laid out clothes for him (!!!!) and was blindly putting on clothes without questioning it. It freaked me out. And we laughed about it, but I remember that was the first time where I was like he doesn't even think for himself. Anyway he brought it up and said I was thinking about that the other day. And I just said...oh that was bad. And he said "I really am easily led" I am trying to read into this big picture wise....but I will say this is the FIRST time since his initial I'm going to be independent speech, that he's recognised his "drift"
He asked me about something I had posted on FB about and I told the whole story in the funny way I do making him crack up at several points. He even mimiced me doing a dance move at one point. It was like (better than) old times. S told a story and we all laughed. He sorta said something to S about how he wasn't taking care of the computer and in the past that might have created a bad dynamic, but I think all 3 of us handled it much differently. And it was fine.
Perhaps it was being outside the house but I found myself finding him attractive again.
He did talk a bit about GF who is a vegetarian but he thinks he has her turned around on seafood. I said nothing, but had several inside thoughts about how she shouldn't be giving up her convictions like that. This came after he said the burgers were so good and S said "and they're made out of meat." (I know he's so cheeky because he knows GF is a veggie)
On the way home, I, out the blue, told him that I'd sent off for my drivers license and that when I get paid next week I'm paying to take the written test. He did a literal cartoon version double take. This was always a sore subject between us. I have a DL from back home but to get one here I have to jump through hoops and I've sorta dug my heels in. Plus it's really expensive. I could tell he was impressed.
He gave me back the container that the food I'd given him last week for lunch was in and I said did you even rinse this out...and he said no, I just brought it straight from work. And I thought...but you didn't dare take it home because GF wouldn't have liked that. But I just said eww, hope it doesn't smell and laughed. (in the past I would have gotten upset that he couldn't have washed it at work? what they don't have a sink? etc)
When he dropped us off, he was fiddling with the seal on the door. And I said what are you doing and he goes just making sure my car isn't falling apart. He was leaning sort of over me to deal with the seal and I was getting out. He said I had a FANTASTIC time with you guys. And he said it like he really meant it. And I said we both know this car is held together with...and he put his finger over his lips and said ssssssshhhhhh Brit people don't need to know. And I said the secret has been out with me for 7 years! I KNOW you. And we were both laughing and it felt good. I shut the car door and he said. I had a good time guys. Brit, you look fantastic, I'll see you both soon.
I said okay bye and he left. Then S started talking about what dessert we had in the house.
I would type I don't know what to make of all that...but I just keep looking at my title. I have no expectations that any of tonight made any difference to anything. And I'm not changing my "plan" based on this. It's true I have been feeling a bit low lately. But in reality things are better between us then they have been in MONTHS. He was always the go with the flow guy and it drove me CRAZY. I liked lists, plans, timelines, goals, etc. And now I'm just going with the flow. I'm enjoying his company. I'm not really flirting. I'm being playful like I would with a really good friend. But I'm not flirting. I think that would be overkill.
Cheryl said that I need to make him feel good when he's around me and I think that's the enviornment I strive for. Even if we don't R, why wouldn't I want the person I called my best friend to feel anything BUT good around me.
ooops I meant to say I'm trying NOT to read into the big picture about him saying he's easily led.
One other thing, I think tonight was a reminder that you never know what's going to happen or when so obsessing about it is pointless. if you'd asked me a week ago I would have said that I never would have dreamed that H would invite me to have dinner. In fact Cheryl said that I could mention that me and S were going to do something and casually invite him and I was like yeah that'll never work because he's very "I'm in a relationship" mode. But then this happened tonight. And we had fun.
