Still Afloat and moving Forward

[BeingMe]

Thanks DLS, appreciate that. I think everyone deserves that one person who loves them.

[WenikiTiki]

Hey BeingMe!

You said:

I have been fearful of my financial life, but I fear must not be allowed to rule. I will be okay ... I have to believe that

I recently got into reading Buddhist books. And the book that started me on my journey was a book called Smile at Fear: Awakening the True Heart of Braveryby Chogyam Trungpa. And my second favorite saying as of late comes from that book. Smile at fear then step on it. Which works. Put on that half smile and do what you are afraid of!

Aloha,

Wendy

[BeingMe]

Love that, Wendy. I actually laughed out loud.

[WenikiTiki]

What is funny is that my DIL is having a crisis of her own. And she had 3 books with her she wanted to read. And I picked up that book and it flipped open to the "Smile at fear and then step on it" quote. I was standing in the family room, I went back to the beginning of the book and read the first 10 pages standing there.

Then just took her book and said I wanted to read it. I realized later how rude it was. I did apologize...... But that book dropped in my lap right when I needed it.

So now I read a chapter in a Buddhist book every night. I've gone through a few. I read a chapter and try to reflect on it as I go to sleep. I read that you learn better by sleeping on knowledge. We will see.

[BeingMe]

Yeah, I'm reading the Magic book (from The Secret) and I started doing the exercises, but then I came here to visit D25 and grandkids. Brought the book with, so I'll go over it again. It also gets one to think about things before going to sleep. More about being grateful for the best thing that happened that day. It's quite common sense, but put in an ordered way.

I read a quote the other day that made me smile: "without art in the world, life would be ... 'eh!" One can say it in other ways, "without love/romance/caring/understanding/friendship/honor/loyalty/truth/creativity in the world, life would be ... whatever!" We are creatures who need to experience these things (and more), otherwise the world would be a dull place, imho.

Here's to another summer day. An opportunity to do something interesting, meet new people, hang with friends, anything.

[BeingMe]

According to S25, I got the above quote wrong, and it's an old one. Oh well, the sentiment stands, I think.

Life in City of C is going okay. Went to visit a friend last night and it ended up being a ladies' night out, with three other friends coming over. It was fun, until H called to say that there is mold in the bathroom. He was replacing the window above the bath/shower, and it seems it's been leaking long enough to become moldy. It's not very big, but it has to be dealt with this week.

His problem now, because I'm a long way from there. Meantime, since I requested that we get a mediator and move toward D, my H has been very friendly on the phone ... and he phones every day. I don't care anymore. He's had plenty of time to do the right thing, and work on our M. He was supposed to be here last week, and I will not ask him when he's going to arrive. When friends ask, I just say, "I don't know." And, now we have mold. I guess he won't come at all now. I did suggest he come when I go home, so we won't have to be in the same place. He was adament that that was not the issue. Yeah, right!

I've been seeing friends, getting comfortable in the condo, walking along the river, seeing grandchildren and D25, shopping for condo, etc. It's been like a real holiday in some ways. I am homesick now, and looking forward to going home mid-August, preparing for uni, seeing my D19, and catching up with friends there.

So, all in all, having a good time, and slowly, but surely getting used to feeling 'not married'. It's time.

Hope everyone else is enjoying the summer. Time for my walk.

[nero]

oh my God! like your poem - feel it to my toes. i sure know the feeling of someone crouched over their stinking laptop- i hate it- i hate technology- all of it. at this moment- it was merely his gateway to reviving ancient- rancid "friendships" of whatever nature that he could now (old & retired) turn into new exciting (sad sad sad) adventures. hearing myself say it- i can hardly recognize the sweet sweet man i met & loved- where the heck did he go? i'm askin...

you said it all- snuck out the back door- i'm in Mlc land- wonder if i'll ever get out

[forward]

BM,
The D is your choice now, then. I can understand getting to that point.

Have you considered what the last straw is? Would you consider a more direct conversation with him and telling him this is pretty much it and asking him to C to see what happens?

[BeingMe]

Thanks Nero ... it was a poem written with raw feelings.

Forward, been down that road a few times. Pointless to suggest it again. I know what the answer is .... it's been said many times, and I have finally got the message. Yes, it seems I will be the one initiating the D proceedings, since he is quite happy being in the S state. It's been pretty much it since last year, the last time he told me he's not in love with me, or even loves me ..... but, he cares about me. Hahahaha! What woman wants to hear that? I want my freedom .... I have to learn how to be independent .... paying my own bills, taking care of myself, and not relying on him all the time. I'm not going to lock the door, but it will be difficult for me to trust him again.

[forward]

BM,
Sounds as if you are past the ultimatum stage now and the straw broke somewhere a while ago.

But a year is a long time ago and his more recent attention might be worth a last look.

In some instances, it seems that this sort of propels things forward.