[/quote]yes, smug is a good word. i love how adept you are at describing your feelings, Brit. [/quote] I almost put "bitchily" but that isn't really a word.
I have stopped using it A LOT. I think I was like Vera's H and Grace's W in that I posted non stop, photos of myself, photos of me and my friends, funny updates etc.
I still post funny things ie crazy press releases I get, and some photos but a part of me hated that H wouldn't have contact with me and then when he did say that he knew about this and this through FB.
not having him in my timeline has certainly helped for PMA.
For anychance
Quote:
do you harbor even the remotest possibility of R with your H? Or have you simply moved onto a completely different space, and he is a part of your history.
Yes I still have the remotest possibility. I honestly don't think there would ever be a time in my life that I didn't. But you can't draw parallels because he and I have switched. I might have acted like your W in the beginning. But the truth is when things started getting real with the coworker I was sort of seeing I didn't charge ahead with that relationship. (he cared about me but wanted to wait until I was on more solid footing. understandable he'd already separated, attempted reconcilliation, then proceeded on divorce with his exW in the past 2 years and I was 3 months separated when I met him)
I could have charged ahead. I could have blocked out H and the end of my marriage with the excitement of something new but something inside of me thought what if I've made a mistake. And because despite everything I am, I'm also traditional and romantic and wanted to be married forever, in love forever, but it was too little too late for H. He'd been sad and suffering and sitting idlely by while I lived a single life. And he wasn't going to come back on my timeline.
H started distancing himself. H moved in with his GF. So he's now the walk away if we want to call it that.
I begged and pleaded and said we should at least try it once. And he stuck to his guns and headed out the door.
He talked about the possibility of dating in the future but didn't stop seeing her. And the girl without baggage who hadn't hurt him became the more attractive route.
I hate the way I acted during our split, the way I treated him while he still lived at home. But I decided that no amount of beating myself up about it was going to take it away. I could only decide not to be that person anymore.
So do I see H as part of my history? I see my marriage as part of my history. I want H in my life. But it's up to him how that will be..as a friend or more. And I'm much more level headed about the whole thing. Whereas before I would have taken him back and bull-headedly thought we can make it work no matter what...now I see his faults, my faults, our pitfalls, his character flaws, and I also see things that I want in a R and I don't know if he can give it to me. He didn't the first time around...but then again we're not the same people as we were before.
So I would accept us never getting back together, I would accept us trying and it failing, I would accept us trying and succeeding, I would accept us as friends, I would be sad if we lost contact and sent one email every 3 years.....
But me and your xW are not in the same position. H wouldn't let me stay with him for 11 days! He's not in that I'll do anything for you mindset he was months ago. And I'm not living with someone! But I also was talking earlier about how H feels like home to me....and I've only known him for 7 years. So I can't imagine the bond that you develop over 22.
hi Brit, that post was beautiful, even though it made yiu cry, it hit home...
So do I see H as part of my history? I see my marriage as part of my history. I want H in my life. But it's up to him how that will be..as a friend or more. And I'm much more level headed about the whole thing. Whereas before I would have taken him back and bull-headedly thought we can make it work no matter what...now I see his faults, my faults, our pitfalls, his character flaws, and I also see things that I want in a R and I don't know if he can give it to me. He didn't the first time around...but then again we're not the same people as we were before.
So I would accept us never getting back together, I would accept us trying and it failing, I would accept us trying and succeeding, I would accept us as friends, I would be sad if we lost contact and sent one email every 3 years.....
i hopei can get to this place of enlightenment one day....
hope you are ok
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Brit: The bond that you develop after 22 years is pretty strong. Strange as it may sound, I am not in the "I will do anything for her mode". When she came to visit, it just seemed completely natural to both of us for her to stay at the house...and I am glad she did. At least it gave her the chance to see the man I have become, and maybe the man she would be crazy to lose. Who knows?
No idea where this is going. But the bond, from my perspective at least, is too strong for me to just blow her off and 'send an email every 3 years' as you say. But maybe I am a fool. Myself, and most of our friends, think her path is anything but certain. I cannot wait to find out what that path is, but I cannot seem to just not care where it leads. Been too long, she means too much. Only time will tell. We shall see how much time I can handle.
Thank you very much for your insight, and thanks for listening.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
They do NG and you need one with the other I think...our sitches are quite heavy and there's a lot more in our life to laugh at and about. It's all about light and shade right?
S is turning 17 and I've been doing a lot of reflecting because he was born when I was 17. And I it was hard as a single mom, going to university, carving out a career, still being young, etc. I've been thinking so much about how it did "take a village" and I was lucky and blessed to have a support network. I came from a very poor background and all the stats were against me. Anyway, I texted H a picture of him and S (who he was a hands on stepfather with from the age of 9) and I said "Thanks for being such a great dad and helping me raise S. I owe you a lot. Can't believe he's 17."
Cheryl told me that it sounded like H felt like a failure. She said what if you were the one place that he could feel like a hero. And she said that I was doing the right thing by making him feel proud of his parenting of S.
His reply "Woman you're going to make me cry!" I lightened the mood about my spelling mistake and told him it was true and that it should be said. I also said that I hoped he had fun tonight. He replied that he'd talked to S and that he'd be coming over on Thursday to see S and order his present together so S can pick it out the exact one he wants. He said that his car has broke down (roll my eyes) and that he won't be going to the event tonight bigger fish to fry(...oh get used to it GF) and that he would come by tonight but he would be tired, dirty, and in a bad mood.
Then he sent me a second text that said "And it was always more you than me. You have raised a very good guy. YOU should be very proud. (and I know you are)" I said thanks H.
It's typical of him to downplay compliments and to shift the spotlight off him but it needed to be said. After last night's thoughts on the bond you feel with someone after spending all that time together...I don't know my M aside this man helped me raise my child. He was a big part of that entire process and recognising that is important. Especially because one of his complaints was that I would put S ahead of him.
I don't know if it's part of making amends, but regardless of our outcome I will always appreciate him being a father to my son. (sheesh bring on the tears again!)
Cheryl's observations were really interesting. I was thinking something similar yesterday, that many of us LBS' are high achievers... and do our WAS' leave due to feeling inadequate in some way?
Culture has put such a high premium on success and career, what if they don't feel as if they measure up and instead of facing this, they project their anger and disappointment in themselves onto the M and the LBS. I would guess that is true especially for men who may feel even more pressure to provide.
Love that you recognized his contribution with your S. Beautiful.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Cheryl's observations were really interesting. I was thinking something similar yesterday, that many of us LBS' are high achievers... and do our WAS' leave due to feeling inadequate in some way?
yes i do believe that plays a huge role - saw it distinctly in my first marriage and now again here
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Not having the best 24 hours but I know I'm not the only one. I guess H had been out of mind for so long it was bound to sneak up on me. I just kept thinking he is in a relationship. He's been living with her for a month. They have s regularly (maybe....that's an issue with him) he calls her sweetheart and holds her. He knows all her friends, spends time with her family, I don't know it's all so sudden and overwhelming. And it's strange that a man I felt I knew so well is shark g his life with someone else who he didn't even know until Feb.
I had a dream and in it I was doing all the usual blessing and begging. He'd sort of told me things were going bad between them two but then they were back together. His sis sided with me. I'm yelling at him saying he's making me look like a fool and what's funny is he's 16 in this dream a teenager. I don't know I woke up angry...trying to change that to gratitude.
I think I am coming to a place of acceptance that I've resisted for so long. It's over. He's in a relationship. There is no "fight" for him...everyday since I told him my feelings he's chosen her. She made him feel wanted and appreciated and I made him feel obligated and responsible. Part of me questions my motives since I've now come full circle in seeing his flaws and accepting the end, but I think I learned so much on the circle that I'm a different person.
I told Zig that the flirting is more light hearted happy friendship and I do want to develop that. I think that i'm not as scared of us NOT having a friendship anymore. Yesterday after of text exchange he commented on a photo on FB which is progress because he hasn't touched my FB post bomb. I do think he's always offered friendship and then I've had expectations and he's felt he had to "not lead me on" I am a person that usually thinks 3 steps ahead so I'm very proud of myself in changing this.
