My husband and I have been married for two years, together four. He said that he just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore -- the "spark" is gone and he doesn't feel we're compatible. He feels I've been selfish and took him for granted and was too emotional. He doesn't want to do things with me and isn't interested in working out our problems. I'm moving out this weekend into my own place. He has been really generous towards me and is helping me move, has bought me new stuff for my new place, has helped me pack, etc. He says I can use the washing machine at the old place whenever I want and will help me with whatever I need help with. We went to marriage counseling, and it made things worse. I really want to work things out with him -- I've been getting a life like crazy and so has he.
I don't know how to show him that I don't want to be selfish. I want to stop taking him for granted. I want to do things for him and show him appreciation when he does things for me. But we're not really talking now, so I don't know how to do these things. I don't want to play games and screw around with his emotions. I have stopped crying and talking about the relationship, but I don't know where to go from here.
Last edited by dbmod; 06/28/1212:58 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I'm really sorry that you are having to go through this heartbreak and find yourself here but I am really pleased to 'meet' you.
I've just had a read through your threads and related to what you are going through. All of us here know what a roller-coaster this journey is so know that the board is great for support, venting emotions and asking for practical help when you cannot see the wood for the trees.
Two things really helped me when I first came here. The first was being able to talk for as long as I wanted about the subject that was taking up 99% of my thoughts with people that understood and 'got' what I was talking about and would never get sick of me. The second was not talking about it and talking about other things and forming a support group with a bunch of us here. I did this by posting to other people who I related to with either advice, when I gained more confidence, or just saying hi and supporting others.
From reading your posts it sounds like you have taken a really good look at yourself and your part in the marriage. This is really good, it opens our eyes to what we can change and improve on. Remember too that when we are at this stage of self examination you only focus on the negative things and not the positive. This guy fell in love with you so much so that he wanted to marry you. Focus on those things too. What was it when you first got together and were in that honeymoon period that was so attractive to your husband? In retrospect, what I wish I had done was to make a list of things which I needed to improve on but just as importantly make a list of what is good about you.
Something I read when I first came here was that this person I had become sine the 'bomb' was not really me. It was my reaction to a very difficult situation, and a very natural reaction - devastation. The problem is that devastation does not provoke a positive reaction in the other person it inflicts guilt and guilt is the very worst thing a WAH should feel. Feeling guilt makes them feel helpless and like they can do nothing about it (you have described that your h has expressed this a lot) and makes them not want to 'try'. Reducing guilt is one of the first steps in the path of Divorce Busting so...
Stage 1 Reducing negative feelings. What negative feelings do you think (and try and look at this from your h's point of view) your h is feeling towards you? What can you do to reduce these negative feelings?
There is lots more to say but I don't want to overwhelm you. If you want I'd be really happy to help you out if you have questions or need advice. Equally I will be not offended in the slightest if you don't click with what I have said.
I wrote this a few months ago in another thread on what I had learnt from this experience. I hope it helps.
What I learnt
- that you can't help people that don't want your help. - rejection is heartbreaking but most of the time it is more about the other person than you. - take responsibility for yourself. Look at your contributions to your marriage and learn from your mistakes. Do not blame yourself and dwell too much, forgive yourself, learn and move on. - life is for living, enjoy yourself and be present because time is too precious to waste. You won't get your children's childhoods back ( or your late 20s in my case). - life may not be what you envisioned but it has a funny way of working out. - this will take time, allow yourself time to heal from the hurt and know (I promise) that things will get better. - lastly, and most importantly take opportunities as they come along. This is time for growth, use it wisely.
Know that you will get through this whether your marriage is saved or not and it does get better but it takes time. I truly believe that DBing is the best way you will find to save a marriage on the brink and the tools I have learnt here I have taken with me and will use forever.
I have been trying so incredibly hard to reduce those "negative" feelings. I've been trying to be more upbeat and smiley and if I feel like he's in a bad mood, I haven't been pursuing it. If he says he doesn't need help or doesn't want to talk, I just drop it. I'm definitely giving him his space and I have been very appreciative of everything he does, even if it seems really small.
Thank you again for helping me out... I wish to return the virtual hug {{JCJ}}
No worries, it is a pleasure and I hope I can help.
It is really easy to react to every little individual thing and trying to guess and second guess what he's thinking and feeling. It is an exhausting and impossible task.
What we need to get going here is you being proactive instead of reacting and what I mean by this is getting your confidence back and being attractive again. So I am going to push you a little harder, because I know you can take it.
Think about these points from above
- What was it when you first got together and were in that honeymoon period that was so attractive to your husband?
- What negative feelings do you think your h is feeling towards you? What can you do to reduce these negative feelings?
For example: when we first got together I was happy, confident etc. Insert your own descriptions here.
My h feels like I am too emotional, or I leave my socks on the bathroom floor. Insert your own decriptions.
For some reason I am still up at 2.30 in the morning here so I shall say good night but will check in soon.
Hi JCJ, I am feeling really down lately. I don't feel as if any progress has been made. Husband helped me move yesterday and helped me put furniture together and was overall very generous to do this for me, but the whole matter was treated like a business matter. It makes me feel like despite being with him for four years, I am now just meaningless to him. And I guess that must be how he feels right now.
He was feeling negatively towards me because I was too dependent. I played too many games. I'm obviously doing neither of those things because I have no reason to/can't. I'm trying to laugh/smile when I can, although I have to say that has been the hardest part. He used to hate that he did all of the cleaning. Again, I can't really change this, but I obviously need to do all the work in my new place and I can only hope that he'll notice how nice I'll be keeping it.
When we went to marriage counseling, he said the things that he liked about me was that I was smart and kind and that we had the same interests. I've been trying to say yes to everything he asks for, because I think that he will perceive this as me being kind. For instance, we had had Roger Water tickets and I asked a friend to go, but now he is saying he'd like them, so I told him that of course it's fine if he goes. I'm trying to act confident when I speak to him. I'm doing a lot more things for myself. A few times he offered me help, and I told him, no, I got this!
But still, no progress seems to have been made. There is absolutely no indication that his feelings have changed towards me at all. We still talk to each other almost daily, but there is no emotional attachment to anything that is said. It's like, you owe me this money for that. Don't forget to get this from the apartment.
I know... no expectations. But I just feel like he will never change his mind. I'm still going out and doing new things and am thoroughly enjoying it...
I just read your thread and it touches me. I feel so much the same in many ways. I am quite new here, too, but I didn't write a lot, due to a writing aversion...
I read in your post that you can't do much about the cleaning situation. Now I don't know why, but I know that in my relationship this was one of the big problems. And I still feel I am unable to do something about it. I live in a horrible chaos because I just get paralized looking at it. Luckily (in this case) my husband is not here. He left us to be in Peru again, so he doesn't see it. But if I would ask him he would say I am a slot and I am just too lazy. But it's not true and I feel very misunderstood. I just can't do it alone. I am a person who needs someone around so I can function with daily things.. And I am trying since thirty years to be more tidy. I tried to explain him but he never understood and also he didn't want me to get help and when I did he was angry. So my big question is: What to do if I cannot change what my spouse dislikes? I mean, I am who I am, or not?
I would love to hear from others...
And I wish you, Sophiedaphne, all the strength and wisdom and love you need in this hard trip!
Do you want to be messy? Since you describe it as horrible chaos it sounds like you don't. How have you been trying for 30 years to be more tidy?
As someone with the same problem, and feeling as misunderstood and helpless as you, now working on it with more success (limited), here's what I can say.
If it's paralyzing you need help. Work on it with a therapist or use self-help books to try to understand why you feel paralyzed and why you let your place get messy when you don't like it that way.
Break it down into easier bits. Do you have a public and private area in your home? Can you start by trying to just make the public part look tidy more regularly?
Get the other kind of help - can you afford a housecleaner sometimes? Can you afford a few sessions with a personal organizer? I have one who will do a whole room in about 3 hours at $30/hour. I've even asked for Christmas for some time with her. Or pay a kid or teenager to help you clean up a room?
Is it inability to get rid of stuff? Maybe you need to figure out why that is and see if you can pare down how much stuff you keep.
The thing I learned is this. Your spouse doesn't get to make you change into something you're not - HOWEVER, in a relationship you do have an obligation to observe how your behavior impacts your spouse and take steps to modify your behavior if you want to change your negative impact.
I also learned this. If your spouse wants something (a cleaner house) and wants to dictate how he gets that something (a tidier wife) that's where you've got to negotiate. You can agree to a neater house with the help of a (cleaner, agreement about which rooms can stay messy, etc) but you get to provide some input that enables you to meet his needs and your own.
Also, you are who you want to be. If you don't want to be messy, get to work on you. Don't let H's not understanding and being critical make you resistant to working on a perfectly reasonable goal you might set for yourself to create a tidier home for yourself.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
