Kolja's next chapter

[kolja]

In other news, my wife's birthday is next Thursday. It doesn't seem like under the circumstances a gift would be all that appropriate, and I don't really think Hallmark covers things like this, so I'm kind of just leaning toward a friendly text - but I was curious what others thought?

[sophiedaphne]

Kolja,
My husband's birthday is next week as well, and I, too, am at a loss for what to do. Unfortunately, I've already purchased a present for him (in fact, I bought multiple presents, and was able to cancel one) that I cannot return. So, I guess I will present it to him as a friendly gesture, but I don't know if this is even appropriate!

[vera be fierce]

Kolja,
My husband's birthday is next week as well, and I, too, am at a loss for what to do. Unfortunately, I've already purchased a present for him (in fact, I bought multiple presents, and was able to cancel one) that I cannot return. So, I guess I will present it to him as a friendly gesture, but I don't know if this is even appropriate!

Why don't you put the presents on the shelf for now, get him a card, and ask Chuck what he thinks given your circumstances?

[vera be fierce]

^^sorry for the threadjack, Kolja! I think a text or an email would be appropriate, maybe not first thing in the morning but later in the day/evening.

[kolja]

Thanks verab - that's kind of my gut feeling; friendly/considerate without being over-the-top...

[bustorama]

I helped my little ones get cards for their mom on her birthday.

I didn't get her anything myself or otherwise acknowledge her birthday through a text, email or phone call (I was in NC with her by this point). She later told me that she definitely felt the loss of her birthday passing without any acknowledgment of it from me and without me there.

I may be on the fringe with this perspective, but, act as if you were 10 years divorced. Would you send your 10-year ex a greeting? (some people would, some people wouldn't). Do whichever seems natural to you, but do not do it with the expectation that it will draw her to you or keep her from drifting farther away.

[kolja]

No little ones - other than her cats (which are at least nice company).

Interesting point about the 10 year ex. I'm cordial though not close with mine; I think I may have sent her a birthday text but I'm not sure. It's also interesting to hear your wife definitely noticed hers passing without acknowlegement.

I think I've managed to evict any expectations. Even in the somewhat friendly text messages (which looking back I realize may have been a painfully long reconstruction - sorry about that), the only 'expectation' per se is that she is able to get a glimpse that, as you put it, a day in the life of Kolja is a pretty good place to be; one of her complaints was I could get pretty negative at times - I'd like for her to see that's not the case anymore. She felt I had a serious drinking problem, so for her to know I'm in better shape, 'racing' and the like, is a 'good.' If wanting her to SEE that is an expectation then that's pretty much the only expectation I've got. What she decides based on seeing all that is something I don't really control.

[kolja]

Well, for my second half marathon, I managed a 1 minute improvement. I had rather hoped for a bigger step forward, but it's still in the right direction and I had fun. For my next one at the end of September, I'm going to try some speed work (the hills work I did this time around DID make the hills in Seattle less painful!). I spent some time with an intermediate speed program online last week and think I understand all the various short hand and whatnot.

Contact with the wife is more frequent and still friendly. No 'serious' or 'deep' talks about us and certainly nothing about giving things another shot, but I enjoy it for what it is.

[kolja]

Well, life has continued to be pretty decent. Since coming back from Seattle and the half marathon, I took a few days off from working out (figured I'd earned it!). Started back up again Thursday, with new running shoes. Figured I'd earned those too, and found a pretty good deal on them too (and quick shipping was icing on the cake).

On Monday, my former CO was in town to pick up things left in storage from his last move and a bunch of us met him for dinner. It was good to be together again, and I got a dose of "well it could be worse." One of the guys I had flown with in my former squadron got married last year and sadly in February or so his wife went WAY off the deep end - far worse than anything I've read here. She started making baseless accusations of domestic violence and the like, which is a HUGE deal in the military, so he's had to go through a lot of garbage. He's one of the kindest souls I've ever met, and fortunately had some witnesses to incidents she tried to cite, and he said at one point the judge looked at his soon-to-be-ex and flat out called her a liar. So in the long run he'll be alright, but has certainly had a rough spring. Definitely rougher than mine, even if I'd just as soon my marriage not go the way it has.

Wednesday a buddy of mine who, before the navy, worked in a bicycle shop, invited me to bring my bike over for a tune up. I had put a lot of mileage on it so it needed the work. Then we went out to dinner with a few other friends; it was a great evening.

Meanwhile, I finished and sent in the paperwork for the Housing Assistance Program which will let me sell my very-upside-down house in Nevada without declaring bankruptcy. My realtor thinks it will sell in four to six more weeks which will be nice - I've not had a renter in a few months and have been losing $1660 a month. Just being on my own now, I've been able to live relatively frugally and get by but it's going to be a HUGE relief (and huge help) getting out from under it.

Been making some more progress on various ongoing chores around the house, which is gratifying. And this afternoon the weather was finally nice so, after mowing the lawn, I went out for a ride on the Harley which is always good for my head.

In the When I got home, I cleaned out the mailbox at the end of the street. I don't use that address myself, because it's an unsecured mailbox out in the woods, but apparently that's the address she gave the court for me. I found a letter from the court a month ago offering a copy of the decree (for $15).

So, I guess we're no longer married. It's disappointing to be sure, but I was prepared for it, knowing it was a distinct possibility. And, it doesn't really change much for me. I told her I'd have to disenroll her as dependent, and she said 'whatever,' then later 'I don't have time to deal with this right now.' I'm not sure what that means, but it made me think of what 25yrsmlc has posted before about it not being our job to teach our spouses (or former spouses) a lesson, life does that.

I just wonder if I'm supposed to move over to the "Divorced but not done" forum...

[labug]

I don't think you have to move.

So sorry that you had to receive the news in that way. Must have been very discouraging.((()))

But as most say, it's just a piece of paper and you proved that. You were carrying on your life, no change from day to day not even knowing you were D.

You've changed a lot of things about yourself since the bomb and I think that it resonates in your calm, measured, consistent approach to life now.

You now know what it takes to have a real relationship and how to avoid some of the pitfalls you found before.

When we know better we do better.

Good luck, Kolja and keep posting. Gunny still comes back and posts.