There was this euphoria of being FREE. Because of so long I'd felt weighed down by him, unhappy, depressed, repressed, abandoned, I'd put myself 2ed. But I massively felt guilty for being the one to end it, for knowing that he was unhappy, worried that he wouldn't be able to stand on his own two feet, and unsure if I'd made the right decision. But I clung to the excitement of being free and blocked out the bad feelings.
When it all caught up to me and I started having panic attacks, cried uncontrollably etc, I used to wonder how I could be the same person that felt that feeling before...but it was all false.
I think you just described my H perfectly. I'm dealing with the uncontrollable crying and sadness. And I'm not sure what to do.
Hi Ro...All you can do it detach, concentrate on you, do anything that makes you feel good. (in a healthy way) for me I quit smoking, started dieting and exercising, ((I've lost 50 pounds) and fixing up my house (it was nice not to think H wouldn't like something I bought for the house!)
When I was at my worst therapy helped, reading here helped, venting here helped. Having a plan whether that plan was simply "I won't text him today"
When you first start GAL activities you feel disconnected. I remember being out to dinner, or at someone's house and feeling detached wishing I'd stayed home all I thought about was him and feeling sad. And slowly you start refilling that hole that was left when by them with love for yourself.
It may help to know that I was there (where you say your H was) and it all came crashing down and I had my own time of extreme unhappiness. However if I had chose to continue to self medicate myself with partying and male attention then I may never have taken a look at those feelings. Plus pride is huge is was really really hard for me to admit that I'd made a mistake and it may be even harder for men.
All you can do is take good care of you. bubble baths, walks, cozy pjs, nice food, anything to make you feel cared for. You need it right now!
Hey Ro, my bomb day was 1/2/12, so I am right there with you in feeling emotional and uncontrollable crying (mainly in the shower). This site, although I only found it last week, has been a godsend to me. My husband still has a gf, but still treats me so well, tells me he loves me and misses me and can't stop thinking about me, so he is definitely a cake eater. Just today I told him that I think I needed a break for a few days, and he got all upset about it. Like, oh you are upset that you can't have a W and a gf too? I dunno. Its hard for me to know what the right answers are in DBing. He never talks about D, ever... but its like umm ok, so this is my M? Its hard to know if pushing them away is the answer, but for now I have to focus on me-- I am loving bubble baths, and watching HGTV with my dogs, and going to the gym. I am working slowly on GAL, but its hard when H is at the house- which is almost daily, and often he spends the night in the other room-- he still comes to kiss me goodnight (?????) so yeah, its a hard place to be in. I think somehow I am the mistress, and she is more like the W now.. anyway.. just know you are not alone in this..
M-28 H-28 M-9 1/2 years T- 12 years PA- 01/02/12 (still going on)
Been nosing around on the bootcamp threads and saw Kaffe (I wish we could tag people in the posts so they'd know they were mentioned??) anyway KD but up this thing about goal setting for Dakota. I remember when I read DR all my goals were for H.
Deciding to set goals for yourself is a great idea! I've put together some for myself. My fitness regime, making gratitude a part of my morning routine, and a few others for intellectual. I'm a bit stuck on relationship because KD said nothing to do with spouse...hmmmmm
lmao..stalking my bootcamp? jk..its great the help kd is givin me. he understands i am dense so we are working on really small goals..for ME.. u might be able to do some goals involving your H. idk. i know for me, i am no where near that place. i took my ring off because i cant stand seeing it. thinking about her right now makes me want to puke.
i think the more in tune with yourself that you become, the more you can add different goals. i could be way off. all i know is right now, we are doing small goals that i can handle. to get myself to a better mental place. right now im a hot mess..lol
Well I got my answer in the form of a horoscope. (don't laugh ya'll knew I was a bit crazy!)
Is there really more than one kind of love? Or does a deep emotional connection between two people mean much the same, regardless of whether it is based on a romantic relationship, a family affiliation or a social involvement? We may expect different things from each other in different contexts but when others touch our hearts, for whatever reason, there is surely just a wonderful sense of magic. Somewhere in your life now, a delightful bond is deepening. Don't worry about what it means, just be glad of this.
I think this is my goal in "relationships" to enjoy love and closeness in whatever form it is. Not question it or push it or force it...just be open to the love that is coming my way. Just today I was so enjoying S's company and thinking how happy I am that he and I have this relationship. We're so much closer than I was with my mom at his age.
Hey Brit I know what you mean about making the goals about H. I think in the earlier stages of DB'ing (before LRT, anyway), some of the goals M discusses in the book are about - what would your R look like if things were "great" tomorrow? - and make that a goal. That doesn't really work in some of our situations. I know I have run into trouble recently thinking of R goals because even though it looked like on paper they were being met, H still filed for D.
Anyway, it's always good to have personal goals. I think your weight loss is awesome and a testament to your perseverance! Have you done any specific programs that helped you out (i.e. specific exercise routines, yoga 2x/week, Zumba, whatever) that you could say - I'm going to do this X times or reps or minutes per week?
I think your R goal about enjoying love is good because it's less about your M and more about R's in general. I have found that since I started this journey a few months ago my relationships with friends and family have improved. Sometimes I even feel like I have X-ray-DB vision in that I can see through some outward expressions and figure out what emotional/logical thought process is going on underneath and it makes me slow down and be less reactive and judgmental toward others! What do you think about setting a goal (admittedly broad, so you could refine it to specifically fit yourself) to not only being open to enjoying love and closeness that is coming your way, but to be better about being open and expressive with respect to giving love to others? That's one of my goals, too How might you see yourself doing that with, say, S or a close friend of yours?
Hi V, yes those are exactly my goals with my fitness I've broken it down into a training regime for running with things I'm doing on certain days of the week and adding in sit ups etc.
I like the goal of giving love to others!
Had a brief interaction with H today...I started to type it all out...but then I realized that honestly there was nothing to it. Maybe I could have been more flirty. It was funny that he messaged me about S's birthday right after I posted something about it on Fb. I had to stop myself in quite a few emotions and look for the positives, assume the good. I felt so blah and like he's just ridiculous. But I should be happy that he a) is still involved with his SS and b) wants to coordinate with me on gifts.
I had to bring up a bill he hasn't paid because I was supposed to have the money by friday...
H messaged me again and I did a much better job of being funny and light hearted...high 5 to me.
Earlier today I was joking around with S and I walked into the other room with a smile on my face and I realized I had that same feeling I used to have when we would all joke around as a family that I never had before meeting H. It felt great. Not just because I am in SO much of a better place than March/April/May but that I can have this happiness and joy WITHOUT being in a R!
How might you see yourself doing that with, say, S or a close friend of yours?