Barn's burnt down--

[labug]

Why did you not want to ask him if he was happy or not? What is the worst that could happen?

Fear. I don't know the answer and as I said, the unknown is a scary place for me.

-Your H is not filling any emotional needs for you and I know you are filling as much as you can for yourself but do you have a pull to want to have intimacy, companionship, partnership, etc..?

Yes, yes and yes. As I've come further on this journey and unearthed, unleashed the real me I want to have a real, loving R. I like being married, I miss sharing my life with another person. I would like it to be him.

What's that anxiety pit in your stomach stemming from?

Again, I think it's the unknown. I'm changing and it may be that I'm getting to the "this isn't working for me" stage of the journey and that's unsettling.

In the past, I've always handled unsettling things by changing something, and changing them sooner rather than later. In many ways I created chaos around me. Chaos may be too strong but things were never quite settled because they weren't perfect yet. I kept adjusting trying to get to perfect and then I could relax.

And guess what, I never got there. That put a lot of pressure on the marriage because H is a pretty settled kind of no drama guy.

So just sitting with things and letting events unfold is a challenge for me.

I'm not projecting my sitch on you but it is working for you to not discuss anything at all for so long?

Are you hesitant because you are waiting for him to engage or are you being stubborn and/or scared to bring anything up?

I have been waiting for him to engage.

Not stubborn but a little scared. I'm not ready for the end because even tho the attachment is only by a filament, it's still there.

Your personal growth has been inspiring Bug.

Thanks, sometimes it amazes me and I know there's more to come.

And thanks for taking the time to challenge me.

[labug]

This just came to me: Being vulnerable scares me.

[zig]

i kow!

isn't it funny when we feel ok we're so okay but when the vulnerability hits - oh my , it's like in seconds we are totally ungrounded

when i think of it that way - no wonder our WAS's are so scared to attempt another shot with us

hope you're having a good day bug

zig

[zig]

oops - i meant "I know"

[RoRoinMD]

This just came to me: Being vulnerable scares me.

Me too! For me it's all about being in control. I can't be vulnerable AND control the situation. LOL

[scaredsilly]

Me, three! However, my H has told me that when I'm vulnerable is when he feels close to me. So I'm trying to let my defenses down.

[labug]

Been a crap weekend so far.

I'm hoping that as in the past when I go over these bumps in the road, I come out much better than I was before.

I need more GAL activities, scheduled GAL activities.

I was feeling really "alone" yesterday. I've never really been alone in my life. I have my kids and they love me but they have their lives and they shouldn't be my emotional support. I have no close family, geographically or emotionally. My parents are dead. I do have some great friends but that has its limits.

I have to figure this out and be OK with being alone. Most times I am but it really hit me yesterday.

I did a bike ride yesterday morning and saw H in a chance meeting. I stopped by my friends house who is on my route. They are building a tiny house and I've been a part of that. I hadn't seen it in awhile so thought I would check out the progress. This was early in the morning and sometimes I stop by and don't even see my friends, I just check things out and leave. However, they were up and out feeding the horses and other chores.

Friend and I checked out the house and then sat talking about many things. She's always been our real estate agent so we discussed refinancing and appraisals and interest rates. About that time H walks in, he's been helping them with the electric and had come by to finish up. She told me later that she was expecting him today, not yesterday.

He interrupted our conversation (not in a rude way, just by the fact that he walked in) and didn't acknowledge that (very unlike him). He didn't really acknowledge me, just started talking to friend. She then walked outside to get the things he needed and I hung around a few minutes to finish up on our conversation and also to let H know what she had suggested about the refi. I said goodbye, friend said goodbye, H didn't.

He was uncomfortable and a bit rude. So why even stop by? I could chalk it up to his being surprised to see me but he knew I was there, he had to have seen my bike (actually his bike) as it was right by the gate he had to open to get onto the property. He could have easily turned around at that point and no one would have known he was ever there.

My tolerance for this is just very low this weekend. I've been in this "I want to confront" mood for a couple of days and this just makes me want to scream "What the ef are you doing? This is what you wanted. Be happy! Stay the ef away from me."

Help me get past this bump in the road wise friends so I can keep moving along.

[needgrace]

((( )))


this is a long, long road and i think it is natural to get tired and confused.

your last few posts made me think that something is brewing within you.. some change or step of growth.. and it is uncomfortable bc you don't know where you are going yet. and there is aways an element of pain in those steps..

maybe look at the feelings under the anger from yesterday's encounter with H.

GALing is great but I wonder if you also need some of this time to let things evolve inside you.. I know sometimes I use GAL too much to distract and I end up feeling less okay just being.

[scaredsilly]

sorry, bug. their anger is so hard to take. it's especially hard when you haven't done anything to deserve it other than exist on the same planet (or so it seems).

he will just have to work it out, himself, or let you know what the problem is. from what i've been reading in the book about codenpendency, codependent people are people (like me) who "let other people's moods control their emotions..."

the author goes on to say, "if my husband is happy, and i feel responsible for that, then i'm happy. if he's upset, i feel responsible for that, too. i'm anxious, uncomfortable, and upset until he feels better."

your husband's attitude and feelings are his own choice and his own to deal with. you are not responsible for his choices and his feelings or his behavior. if he's rude, it's because he's rude, not because you are breathing the same oxygen he's breathing.

(((bug)))

[labug]

I don't think he was angry just confused maybe. He is not a rude person that's why his demeanor yesterday was remarkable. Very out of character.

grace is correct, I am the one with the anger and it comes from fear. Fear of being alone, fear that this is really over, fear that I can't fix this.

Fear because it's out of my control.

Yes, I have all the codependency traits, used to go to weekly CoDA mtgs. Maybe I need to get back to them.

zig wrote this:
or was that the wrong attitude and perspective? was it a huge effort for me because i'm always wanting something else than what there is right now? was it a huge effort because i'm the one messed up in this and h is actually just floating along not giving a rat's a$$ about anything
Friend and I were talking about this same thing yesterday before the real estate stuff, and I actually began to cry because it relates to what I said earlier about creating chaos in search of perfection and only then I could be happy. (CoDe)

If I'm waiting for perfection, I'll be waiting a long time, huh?