Studies in Feral Cats -- Practicum

[TSquared2]

Replies got out of order...grrr, multitasking...

I worded that poorly... smile

Well, it did not change my behavior or demeanor towards W at all....etc

Was in reply to Jack...

So Jack, to sum up my mental state with me, W, our sitch and life in general, two songs have been getting heavy play by me..."What I've Done" by Linkin Park, and "Touch of Grey" by the Dead.



T^2

[reachingHigher]

The moon was awesome this weekend! I camped, too, with S12, on our back property. So refreshing. I love the "zenned up" term you used.

"I found some peace, some trust, in life, in God." That's awesome.

And her calling it "our" bedroom.

I made apple crumble when H was here yesterday. I made it from some apples we had dehydrated & were in the big freezer. He said "our apples"? It's okay to notice those things, isn't it? Just noticing.....

[TSquared2]

rH--i think it's okay to notice them, since I do.
Trick is to not read anything into it, which is tough, but I seem to be getting the hang of it.

Last night was tough with just regular life stuff like kids and their needs/wants, juggling all sorts of things, a friends teenager has suicidal thoughts, just getting one hit of problem/crisis after another...anyone else have this happening? Seems very chaotic these days, maybe its the full moon, who knows.

W followed me down the stairs on my way to work this a.m., she hasn't done that in a while, I wonder if she wanted a hug or something, but she didn't initiate (darn feral cats), I didn't either or give hopeful puppy-dog look and just said have a great day.

Now this morning she she has been breaking down, maybe scraping bottom or at least bouncing off the bottom like a bass jig....good thing I got my dose of back country zen last weekend as I will be needing it most likely...lol.

Deep breaths, one thing at a time, I will do this...just fine.

T^2

[job]

You can do this, but you need to dig deeper for more patience. She's scraping the bottom, but not staying there for any length of time. Patience.

Try to enjoy the 4th of July and put your mlc situation on the back burner for the day.

[reachingHigher]

T2, I just wanted to say thanks for your posts and insights.

I read them when you post on other sitches and now occasionally copy them to my special DB notes area. They help me to understand, have patience with, and have courage with my MLC H.

I just got the significance of your username the other day -- since you said you were a science/engineer type. Clever.

[TSquared2]

Thank you rH! I am flattered, and that is sure nice to receive these days...

Things around here are pretty good, had a good non-ruined holiday (yea!). Our oldest deployed, so we are, as a family, working through that (long post that I am not ready to go into, still processing). But he did text Dad and is loving his life adventure, child one launched successfully...so I feel successful and damn, damn proud, and happy, with a touch of bittersweet thrown in.

W is processing her stuff and getting more and more insight and progress, my detachment really helps me see it...she actually let something (non- me or R related) go, saying she couldn't change the past (this woman lives in the past in everything, btw)...so that is progress for sure.

Recent insights into herself include the lifelong habits of:
-shoulda, woulda, coulda.
-nothing is ever enough.
-second guessing everything.

She is doing the work, realizes she HAS to do the work, realizes she ran in the past and is trying to put these things to rest this time. She is tired of them herself, tired of the negativity and has expressed acknowledgement and regret at what happiness these modes have taken from her life.

I listen, let her decide if she wants feedback or commentary (or not, and I am just fine with that as well), validate and then get on with me.

I asked for a hug with humor, and got it. W had a bad dream or something this a.m. and wanted to spoon, she got it.

My patience valve is opened up all the way, detachment dial set to "maximum"...I am doing well.



T^2

[reachingHigher]

"My patience valve is opened up all the way, detachment dial set to "maximum"...I am doing well."

Love this.

[Carnac]

T^2
Just wanted to thank you for your story. I've been having a pretty crappy go of it this weekend and made a few mis-steps yesterday late in trying to talk to my WAW and was pretty down on myself. I read your entire sitch and find that your relationship and mine have alot of commonalities and its been eye opening to see where we are now, and what might be in store.

I know one of my problems has been a defeatist attitude toward this whole thing, and seeing how they ebb and flow has helped me even more with my resolve to keep on what im doing and know that it can work.

[breakdownbill]

Hi T2

KD posted a link to this thread & I've got to say it's pretty inspiring how you are communicating & giving space
...

--when I truly backed-off, gave TONS of space, learned the art of silence (or, STFU) and engaged listening, and stopped trying to control the outcome, all of which helped me finally get the detachment thingy functional, then things started changing in both phases of my W's mlc. She came to me on her own, maybe because the above had been proven over time as real, maybe because OM soulmate showed his true colors like the others did and she is settling for me (OR, is it because I stood true and proved I AM the BETTER choice? lol). Over TIME, I won her trust that I wouldn't react poorly, or try to fix her, that I would validate her and let her find her own solutions....TIME and CONSISTENCY. Otherwise, it was/is all her choosing. She hasn't told me the "why and how"...I just roll with her actions right now. Maybe I will find out, maybe I won't...who knows? Not a "need" of mine atm.

I absolutely love the part in bold - great work!!

Bill

[Breakdown]

^^^^^^^ SAME

That really hit me....that's what I should have been doing for this entire last year. Actually started trying this a few days ago....this post will help me focus on it. Thanks!