I asked her to show some tough love and not buy everything under the sun for W and new apartment...
Not only broke a rule but a showed a general lack of respect. It sounds as if you want to be more of a father than an equal partner.
It's difficult when in our perception, it seems others may be "bailing out" our wayward spouses. This is where detachment works, what she does and who "helps" her isn't your concern. This is her life now.
Maybe this was a problem during the marriage?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Not only broke a rule but a showed a general lack of respect. It sounds as if you want to be more of a father than an equal partner.
you are absolutely right... I may have worded it a bit differently, but I know I messed up... I have deleted all phone numbers out of my phone and will no longer contact her friends or family... I goofed big... I won't however apologize for trying to fix my marriage in any possible way, but I know that was not the best decision... I won't do it again...
It's difficult when in our perception, it seems others may be "bailing out" our wayward spouses. This is where detachment works, what she does and who "helps" her isn't your concern. This is her life now.
it is VERY difficult... my W and kids are/were my whole world... and without them I'm having a super hard time figuring out who I am... all of my friends are married with families/jobs and have little time to hang out or talk... so I'm left alone with my thoughts a lot... doesn't justify my talking to her mom, but I did, it's over and I have to move past it... I know it's her life... I'm trying to get used to that fact... and I'm trying every day to give my fear of her meeting someone else or not coming back at all to God.. some days it works, other days, not so much...
Maybe this was a problem during the marriage?
which part..? my trying to be a "fixer" all the time or her Mom ALWAYS making me feel inadequate as a husband and father...?
I'm trying very hard to hold up to the rules... I am however human, and make mistakes... it makes it that much harder that I have NO family here to be with, rely on or spend time with... I feel very much like I'm out on an island all alone fighting off all the woe's life is throwing at me... that forces/causes me to get desperate at times.... I am 40yo but I would love a hug from my Mom... but she is 800 miles away... that makes this entire process just that much harder... I have no one to count on but me... not making excuses... I take full responsibility for what I did... just explaining how I feel...
thanks as always for your comments Labug... they are much appreciated...
have faith, be good and stay safe...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
I note some defensiveness in your response. Something must have hit a nerve. Being defensive means you shut down the thinking part of your brain and start reacting. Let that go, it won't serve you well in this journey you're on.
We're all human, we all make mistakes, we've all been where you are.
We get how difficult this is.
Quote:
which part..? my trying to be a "fixer" all the time or her Mom ALWAYS making me feel inadequate as a husband and father...?
You tell me.
And how does her Mom make you feel inadequate, or anything, for that matter?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
And how does her Mom make you feel inadequate, or anything, for that matter?
when she would come to visit, she completely took over our house... did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, kids, paid for everything, and essentially emasculated me in my own home... drove me crazy, but I learned to live with it... not to mention made me feel like a terrible provider for my family because W was getting monthly "allowance"
no, I wasn't being defensive... merely trying to explain my thoughts and feelings... had a not so productive phone call with my therapist today and he let me know that I screwed up so bad by talking to MIL that I was back at square one, and there was a good chance that no matter what I did, W wouldn't come back...
followed shortly by W calling asking me to release her Cell number so she could get off my plan, which I told her I would continue to pay... another string cut, it seems... it has not been a good week...
good news is, I get to see my boys tomorrow for the first time since Monday, and I can't wait... going to be great spending time with them...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
Of course I want control of my life... MIL is a concern for later when W and I start to reconcile. I will voice my concerns to W at that time. MIL the enabler is the trouble now. But nothing I can do about that. So, I pray and ask God for his protection and guidance. I ask that His will be done. And I need to find a new IC that will fight WITH me instaid of getting frustrated when I make a mistake. Because I'm sure I will make more.
Super excited to get my boys today. I have missed them so much. Going to be a good day with them.
Have faith, be good and stay safe...
M:40 W:31 S:8 S:5 D:8(prev. relationship) Bomb dropped: 5/10/12 It's not you it's me MO: 6/1/12 T:14 M:9
drove me crazy, but I learned to live with it... not to mention made me feel like a terrible provider for my family because W was getting monthly "allowance"
Why?
She emasculated you because you felt she had the power to do so.
Don't blame others for your emotional well being. That is a crutch. An excuse.
A BUT
Why did you allow this? Why did you feel OK with your MIL coming into your home and making you feel inadequate?
Did you feel that way before she got there and she was merely confirming it when she took your responsibilities away?
When she gave your W money?
The toughest part of this sometimes is looking in the mirror Fire.
Sometimes very hard to see the person we are, mostly because we don't like that person, and we look to blame others for our shortcomings.
Where are yours?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
i dont think my thread will be much help.. unless you do the opposite of me. bug is a smart woman. listen to her. i havent all the time, and you can read where that has led me.
the other vets (truegrit) are wise. you have to look inside yourself to really see the wisdom. im not good at that. i am trying. you can too. good luck
