Husband Filed for Divorce Today

[Jessica M.]

OK...so stress management it is.

Sometimes when we stand back and look at what overwhelms us, we see that a number of these things can be ignored, or that we're making them far more difficult than they need to be. Sometimes we just agree to take too much on.

What you you do to manage stress better; to make things, or perceive things as, more manageable?

I'm glad your daughter is enjoying her aunt, and that you're focused on something else. Stepping away works wonders.

I have never really learned how to manage my stress. I think that is a very big problem with me. It's like I shut down and stop acting and doing. I tend to overthink things.

[Jessica M.]

WAH came over today to spend time with our daughter. We didn't fight at all. We discussed next week when I start work and were friendly. I was very tired so I wasn't paying much attention.

[LIO]

I have never really learned how to manage my stress. I think that is a very big problem with me. It's like I shut down and stop acting and doing. I tend to overthink things.

So what kind of things are you thinking of to help this?

For me, it's being involved in some physical activity - like running or a variation of martial arts. I've heard a bath helps others, or even just reading. How are you going to incorporate this into your life?

On a personal note, I have a S5, who for years I was so stressed out over and with, that I didn't enjoy him at all. It wasn't until NOW, this situation that made me sit up, take notice, and do what it took to reduce my stress. I reduced my hours slightly, I put him first, work second. I stopped thinking about opportunities H was missing with S. I stopped caring about the 'right' way for S or I to do something, or if I forgot to take care of something at home.
Anyway, just my thought. You aren't alone on it - but make a plan and stick with it!

[25yearsmlc]

OK...so stress management it is.

Sometimes when we stand back and look at what overwhelms us, we see that a number of these things can be ignored, or that we're making them far more difficult than they need to be. Sometimes we just agree to take too much on.

What you you do to manage stress better; to make things, or perceive things as, more manageable?

I'm glad your daughter is enjoying her aunt, and that you're focused on something else. Stepping away works wonders.

I have never really learned how to manage my stress. I think that is a very big problem with me. It's like I shut down and stop acting and doing. I tend to overthink things.

I'm so glad you see this. So NOW, what are you going to DO to address this?


See, with or without your h this is a life skill, a tool that really is mandatory for healthy living (b/c life is filled with stresses 24/7 if you choose to see it that way

and even for optimists, curve balls do come our way throughout our lives...)

So learning to cope w/stress is mandatory for you to be a good partner AND Parent...

it's something to show and model for your child. I cannot over emphasize or over stress the importance of this insight AND you doing something about it.

I tend to get asked for help when things are roughest for people, so I know it's a skill I do have.

It attracts and it strengthens people you care about, your strength and composure guides them when they are at their lowest. IT EASES their burden in their darkest hour...so of course it's a gift to give, once you gain those tools.
It is a very bonding gift...a gift of love & strength and duty and loyalty.

If you believed your d had drowned, could you do CPR or would you decompensate?

Can you see how much regret that would cause you? And endless wondering..."what IF you had done CPR? What IF you had NOT freaked?"

So, The opposite of not handling stress well, the decompensating...

is a real burden to friends, families, spouses and children. "Mom's freaking out" is NOT something you want your d to see growing up,

and she probably won't share much w/you later on, "b/c of the stress" factor...i.e., seeing you NOT handling life...

and when your h has a tough day, or a setback he'll know he cannot ever lean on you...

and when life really throws you a curve ball and you face a truly bad event like a death in the family, will you lean on each other and be there FOR each other...or will you check out?

Consider what we show and model for our kids....someday Your d will face your death and possible illness, when YOU pass on...

what will she have learned from you about coping w/stress?

This may sound morbid but I say all this^^ to cement into your mind/heart, the incredible VALUE of good coping skills...

So, Good job digging deep and I hope you'll follow through with getting the tools you must get.

We're here to help...

[Jessica M.]

Thank you LIO and 25yearsMLC. Very wonderful points. It is definitely something I need to work on and learn the necessary skills. I want to pass on good stress management to my daughter.

[Jessica M.]

So I avoided a fight last night. WAH came home after work because his week at the hotel was up. He will be here this week to stay with my daughter while I'm at work. We work opposite shifts this week. Well anyways, me and my daughter were sleeping on the couch because that's where she fell asleep and I didn't want to bother her. WAH came in and turned on the light not realizing she was down there. He woke her up and told us that we should go upstairs. He ended up carrying her upstairs and put her in bed with us. She was awake by this point and had a very hard time falling asleep. When we are tired and she won't go to sleep is a trigger point for us. I resisted the urge to fight with him. I had the desire to let him know that if he hadn't woke us up she'd still be asleep. That's hard for me. He's still sleeping upstairs, we've already been to church and are going to my parents soon for my sisters birthday. He has to go to work and will be back afterwards. I start work tomorrow and am nervous.

[scaredsilly]

good you didn't point out the obvious. that would have been blaming. he didn't know you were there so it was an accident. no one intentionally awakens a sleeping child so they can have a rough time.

maybe you could have taken her into her own bedroom and lay down with her until she went back to sleep? that would have given him two nice things to think about you:
1. you didn't blame
2. you made it easier on him, even though he was the reason she was awake. very generous and loving.

[luvless]

Seriously Jessica...go about your business. Be polite but go on with your own life as if he is not even around. He is getting his cake...coming over...staying and spending time. If he wants a divorce he Must feel what it's like.

Work on yourself and if he wants this marriage he'll have to work too!

[scaredsilly]

jessica, being loving and generous IS working on yourself.

[Jessica M.]

Thanks luvless and scaredsilly. Good points. I didn't play the usual game with him today of trying to get him to wake up to spend time with our daughter. I told him when we got home from church that we were home and would be there until we left for my parents house. He said he was going to get up soon. After eating and hanging out for a bit at the house, we decided to leave. I let him know we were leaving and we would see him tomorrow. I didn't try to make him feel guilty about not waking up, apparently he needed the sleep and I didn't nag him endlessly to wake up. He was a little upset that he didn't get to spend time with our daughter but he'll be spending plenty of time with her this week.

We had a good time at my parents house and just got back a bit ago. I'll put my daughter to bed soon and relax before getting ready myself. I start work tomorrow so I need a good night's sleep.