Husband Filed for Divorce Today

[roughenough]

Hi Jessica,

In regards to the intimacy incident. I would concur with greatwhitenorth on this one. Without trying to sound too harsh, I don’t think at this point in your sitch it’s going to be helpful. Yes, we all backslide, that’s normal. Also, most of all start out doing the begging, pleading, etc…(I did briefly). I feel strongly that during this transition phase in your life you need to do things that make him respect you. FWIW, A lot of the time respects been lost and that’s what’s gotten some of us to this point. I am sure your learning from this form and DB, most of it is counterintuitive. Also, I am so glad (figuring the circumstances) that you found this board and have been reading DB. Congrats with getting a job, that’s good news. I am sure it’s a culture shock getting back into the work force again.

Personally, I feel slight comfort knowing that I am doing almost everything in my control to help influence a positive outcome. If I hadn’t found DB, I KNOW I would be in much worse shape right now and I would be doing a lot of the wrong things.
I noticed that you made multiple comments about how your mad at him for putting you in this sitch, understandably so however please try and stop that thinking, if at all possible. It’s negative thinking and it does no good. While I am sure he has pitfalls, it usually takes two people. Am I upset that my W left, no doubt!!! However I know that being mad at her does me no good in any way, shape or form.

Finally, it sounds like you and H see each other somewhat regularly. I know there’s your child involved but hopefully you keep the communications with H limited. As you might have noticed from this board, there’s a common theme. A lot of the time the distance is what can help bring people closer again. Stay strong and take care of yourself. You seem like you have your head on your shoulders.

Me(M):37
W:42
T: 14
M: 11
S: 8
D: 4
W wanted separation 5/5
Stopped living together 5/5

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[Jessica M.]

Thank you everyone for the wonderful advice. I see WAH almost every day because he comes over to see our daughter. Next week he will be staying at the house so he can be with our daughter while I'm at work. There will be little contact because we will be working opposite shifts and actually had to get a babysitter because our shifts overlap.

I may be sleeping on the couch next week. It just feels like it will push him away farther. We were having major problems with intimacy in our marriage, that was a major theme but I know he doesn't exactly value sex the way I do. So I think I will just need to be strong. I don't want him to think that we will be ex's with benefits (that's what him and his ex-wife were for awhile).

I am moving out of our home because I cannot afford it on the income I will have. For the size house we have, our rent is a very good deal but I can get a cheaper apartment and not have near the utilities. It is a big house to take care of too, all by myself.

I know getting mad isn't productive. I don't do it that much but it was just an emotion I was dealing with yesterday. I was very upset last night because I have been such a crappy mom to my daughter since these problems started surfacing last year. I was so blessed to be able to stay home with her for the first two and a half years of her life but the last year I haven't been very present, especially lately. I feel so bad for her and all the changes that are happening.

Me and WAH have a lot of issues. One was me staying home with our daughter. At first he wanted me too and seemed like he would do anything in his power to make it happen. Then it seemed like he resented it. He wanted me to get a full-time good paying job no matter how impossible or impractical it was. We are very different people. I am a homebody and he is not. We live far from our friends and it has been hard to make friends where we are now. We converted to Catholicism last year and he has had a change of heart and believes it is not right for him anymore even though he was the one that initiated it. We have a lot of sexual issues. I've changed a lot since becoming a Christian. I was not a Christian when we married and lived a very different lifestyle. I also changed a lot when I became a mother. He believes that he deserves to spend his money how he wants because he worked so hard for it. I have a hard time with anything dealing with deserving and entitlement. He thinks I'm not driven because I didn't want to get a job. I had a lot of issues with jobs before we had our daughter. I made a huge mistake right before we got married and quit a good paying job which ultimately led to us losing our house and filing bankruptcy. It was not the only reason, we both had bad spending habits and shouldn't have bought the house but it was a big reason. I nag a lot because I don't know how to get him to do things that need to be done. I know there is more.

Sorry that was very long winded. I should have replied separately to everyone's posts.

[greatwhitenorth]

I may be sleeping on the couch next week. It just feels like it will push him away farther.

It won't push him away further. Remember, space is a good thing even if it feels horrible.

We were having major problems with intimacy in our marriage, that was a major theme but I know he doesn't exactly value sex the way I do. So I think I will just need to be strong.

Have you sniffed around on the sex starved marriage group?

I don't want him to think that we will be ex's with benefits (that's what him and his ex-wife were for awhile).

Sounds like a couple of possibilities to me. One is that he uses sex as a way of weaning off the marriage, so to speak. The other is that he has a hard time mixing emotion/affection/wife with the physical act of sex.

I am moving out of our home because I cannot afford it on the income I will have. For the size house we have, our rent is a very good deal but I can get a cheaper apartment and not have near the utilities. It is a big house to take care of too, all by myself.

I totally get the size of the house being an issue. I'm dealing with that myself. As for being able to afford it, have you talked to a lawyer about child and spousal support? Your H might want to spend his money as he sees fit, but it svcks to be him 'cause that ain't the reality of dissolution of marriage. He has financial responsibilities to you and your child.

If you haven't see a lawyer about this, do so regardless of whether you stay in the marital home or not.

I was very upset last night because I have been such a crappy mom to my daughter since these problems started surfacing last year.

Reverse the ways in which you were not the best parent to your daughter. She deserves nothing but the best both her parents can give her.

Then it seemed like he resented it.

Resentment is poison for any relationship.

We are very different people.

Have you done any thinking about how you can meet him in the middle on a few things? Not that you raise this with him, just that you figure it out and do it. He will notice in his own good time.[/quote]

I am a homebody and he is not. We live far from our friends and it has been hard to make friends where we are now. We converted to Catholicism last year and he has had a change of heart and believes it is not right for him anymore even though he was the one that initiated it. We have a lot of sexual issues. I've changed a lot since becoming a Christian. I was not a Christian when we married and lived a very different lifestyle. I also changed a lot when I became a mother. He believes that he deserves to spend his money how he wants because he worked so hard for it. I have a hard time with anything dealing with deserving and entitlement. He thinks I'm not driven because I didn't want to get a job. I had a lot of issues with jobs before we had our daughter.

I'm athiest so can't speak to the Catholicism piece, but any significant changes like that must be difficult to navigate. Faith is not a static thing, it doesn't just happen, it needs to be lived and breathed every day. Maybe your H wasn't up for it in the long run, and that's OK. There are lots of happily married people who don't share the same faith.

If he thinks you're not driven, the be driven, get that job, show YOURSELF that you can do it and he will eventually notice.

I made a huge mistake right before we got married and quit a good paying job which ultimately led to us losing our house and filing bankruptcy.

This is a very big thing for a lot of people. For many getting past it requires time and solid evidence that the person who dropped the ball will never drop it again. It really svcks to have everything you worked so hard to achieve collapse because one person didn't keep up their end of the bargain. It becomes a trust issue.

It was not the only reason, we both had bad spending habits and shouldn't have bought the house but it was a big reason.

Usually isn't the only reason. Show yourself and through that your H that you can be more financially responsible.

I nag a lot because I don't know how to get him to do things that need to be done.

Nagging is poison. It seldom results in what we want to achieve, and when it does there's always eventually collatoral damage.

I know there is more.

Sorry that was very long winded. I should have replied separately to everyone's posts.

It's OK Jessica.

It seems to me you've got some good things to work with here (give him space, don't nag, get working and saving and fixing up your financial situation), through which you can see your way through this in the best shape possible. I really encourage you to see a lawyer about child and spousal support.

Remember, saving yourself is the goal, and you could save your marriage in the process.

[Breakdown]

A couple of things rang out to me, and folks have already touched on them, but I'll mention them anyway.

First, on being mad at him for what he's doing. I get that, to a point, but marriage is a two way street and both people participated so stop focusing on what he's doing and think about you. What were/are your issues that you can work on? Remember, emotions are spontaneous, you can't control them....but you can control what you do with them.

Second, I would stop the pursuing. It's difficult...I know most of us struggle with it at some point, but think about it and try to catch yourself.

Lastly, I would consult an attorney if you haven't already. GWN mentioned this, but I did some reading last night (based on my own situation) and the fact that you have been a SAHM may play into spousal support. Find out your rights and protect yourself.

[Jessica M.]

Good points GreatWhite North and Breakdown. Thank you.

I'm trying to consult an atty. I had Legal Services (a pro-bono group in our area) review my case but they could not take on any more cases. On Monday I am going to call my next option. I don't think spousal support is an option in Indiana but I could be wrong. He has agreed to pay my car off (we have about a year on it) and keep me on car insurance (we will agree on a length just haven't done it yet). He is also taking our medical debt and the rest of our attorneys fee from the bankrupcy. The only thing he said he would not take was my student loans. That was always a sore spot with us.

Trying not to pursue. The intimacy thing was his initiative and I caved in. Not going to do that again. I have pulled away and for the most part let him call us. It's hard because sometimes I don't know if he's coming over before work to see our daughter and I want to know so I call. It'll be a lot different once I start working next week.

I'm definitely trying to focus in on my issues and work on them. This is still so fresh and my emotions catch up with me sometimes.

I am enjoying the fact that I get to prove that I can be independent from him and not rely fulling on him. He seems to think that I can't do things on my own. I have never lived by myself before.

Definitely some things to think about.

Thank you.

[Jessica M.]

Had a great time tonight and not thinking about my situation. It's my little sister's birthday so me and my daughter took her out shopping and we got dinner. She's spending the night with us tonight and my daughter is having a blast! Nice to think about something else.

[Jessica M.]

[quote=Jessica M.]
[/b]).

I was very upset last night because I have been such a crappy mom to my daughter since these problems started surfacing last year.

Reverse the ways in which you were not the best parent to your daughter. She deserves nothing but the best both her parents can give her.

My problem with being a crappy mother to her is due to all the stress I have been under. I am horrible with stress, one of the main reasons I quit that law office job 4 years ago. I am exhausted all of the time and especially lately overwhelmed with everything that has to be done. I have a hard time just sitting back and enjoying her. She is definitely going through the terrible two's and that stresses me out. She has my emotional side. She is a very emotional little girl. She is the sweetest thing though! I love her so much and she deserves so much more than me and my husband have given her. She's having a lot of fun with her aunt right now.

[unbidden]

Yes, but she is young and if you start now to be a great mom she won't remember this age. This is the perfect time for your realization and a "do over" with her so to speak. My Ds are older now (13 & 17) and they couldn't really tell you what they were doing at that age. Recognizing the stress issue is key. If you don't, it's easy to take it out on the kids. My mom used to do that to me. She'd yell at me whenever she had a fight with her boyfriend and make me cry. Still remember it 30 years later. You're on the right path.

[greatwhitenorth]

OK...so stress management it is.

Sometimes when we stand back and look at what overwhelms us, we see that a number of these things can be ignored, or that we're making them far more difficult than they need to be. Sometimes we just agree to take too much on.

What you you do to manage stress better; to make things, or perceive things as, more manageable?

I'm glad your daughter is enjoying her aunt, and that you're focused on something else. Stepping away works wonders.

[Jessica M.]

Yes, but she is young and if you start now to be a great mom she won't remember this age. This is the perfect time for your realization and a "do over" with her so to speak. My Ds are older now (13 & 17) and they couldn't really tell you what they were doing at that age. Recognizing the stress issue is key. If you don't, it's easy to take it out on the kids. My mom used to do that to me. She'd yell at me whenever she had a fight with her boyfriend and make me cry. Still remember it 30 years later. You're on the right path.

Thank you. I needed that. I have wanted to be a mother for so long and I won't stop being a mother just because my husband wants a divorce. I will always be her mother and I need to remember that and start being the best mother I can be.