My husband of almost 4 years filed for divorced today. Well, I think he is at the courthouse doing it right now. I am lost. We've been having problems for a while and he's mentioned divorce but until this Monday, I had no idea he was so serious. He said that he was filing today. I'm calling an attorney tomorrow.
Help please! I love him so much!
Jessica
Me:29; W:37 T: 6 M: 4 D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17 H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12 H moved back in: 6/28/12 Confirmed EA: 8/12
Sorry Jess but you need to get it together and Lawyer up! Four years is not very long so not sure it will be a long drawn out divorce. Do you have kids? Tell us a little more.
Don't cry or beg he's made up his mind. Stay strong.
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Thank you. Sorry, he just returned from filing for the divorce as I was typing before so I didn't get to add much background.
We have a beautiful 2 year old daughter who is our world. He also has 2 kids from his first marriage. They live with their mother most of the time and come see us when they can. They live about 2 hours away and are both teenagers.
I am calling an attorney tomorrow. I've stayed at home with my daughter for the past 2.5 years so I'm looking into legal aid. I am reading over Michelle's Divorce Busting book and just ordered the Divorce Remedy book.
He's been talking about this for awhile but I guess I didn't take him serious enough. On Monday, he told me he was filing today.
There's no affairs or abuse or anything like that. Mostly irreconciable differences. In his mind. I know we have problems but I think if we communicated we could work them out.
He's leaving tomorrow to go stay with his mom for the time being. Me and my daughter are staying in our house until we can find somewhere else to live. We rent and I can't afford it. I need to find a job and figure out my next move. I am able to stay with my parents if needed but I'm trying to avoid moving my daughter around too much.
My husband says I can have whatever I want. I just want us to work this out.
Jessica
Me:29; W:37 T: 6 M: 4 D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17 H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12 H moved back in: 6/28/12 Confirmed EA: 8/12
Sorry Jess but you need to get it together and Lawyer up! Four years is not very long so not sure it will be a long drawn out divorce. the length of the marriage MAY relate to assets or children but a relatively short marriage does Not mean a shorter divorce. Your state laws, assets brought into the marriage, children, incomes, will affect your property division and your custody and that all takes time to work out.
You can probably slow this down. But NOT by begging or pleading. Please get the Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy book and read it asap.
The basic premise is that you do MORE of what helps the relationship,
and less or none of what it hurts it.
It's a Simple but radically different approach from what many counselors do. They ask about the past and your history and childhood and all the "issues" instead of being solution based, which this site IS.
Be in the present to solve today's problems.
So, for instance, if he can't stand the nagging or complaining, then criticize NOTHING.
If he says you are too clingy, or needy, then please BACK OFF...
IOW, do the opposite of what has been hurting the marriage AND that is called doing a "180"...
be LESS predictable. READ THE BOOKS ASAP...
Do you have kids? Tell us a little more.
Don't cry or beg he's made up his mind. Stay strong.
Luv
Since I don't know anything about either of you or why there is conflict
I would not venture to say that your h has "made up his mind".
People get confused, emotions cloud judgement and people also change their minds all the time. To reconcile, your h will have to believe one simple thing: That marriage to you can be better/different than it was before.
YOU will have to show him that YOU can change and that the marriage can be different.
Even if you think "HE IS WRONG" and "YOU ARE RIGHT", that is NOT important at this moment.
It's not about being right; it's about being happy.
What matters for now, is that YOU SHOW CHANGE IN HOW YOU INTERACT...
and- do more differrent things, join a club or take a class or learn something that you always wanted to learn.
That's called "GAL" (Getting A Life) and Divorce Busting emphaisizes it b/c it really helps YOU feel better, become better and become more attractive. Needy clingy crying women are NOT appealing so don't surrender to the anger or pain you feel, in front of him.
Turn your marriage/pain over to God and read these books and hire a DB coach if you can. Divorce costs more, trust me on that.
Become a woman only a fool would leave.
Who were you when you two fell in love? Be that woman again, and read the books and this site.
You are not alone.
You will survive this, you will thrive after this and you may even save your marriage.
NO matter what, you'll save yourself...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks everyone! It's hard being on moderated status because you can't get your reply in a correct order.
Good advice about the "GAL".
It's also good advice about backing off and not begging and pleading, which I had done both at the beginning of this. Criticizing was a big part of my problem as well.
How to implement this since he is not here is the hard part.
Jessica
Me:29; W:37 T: 6 M: 4 D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17 H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12 H moved back in: 6/28/12 Confirmed EA: 8/12
My posts aren't showing up so it is hard to ask for advice. I know they are moderated but it seems like it is taking a super long time.
I got accepted into a Nursing Assistant Training program today at a nursing home and will start a week from Monday. Only problem is I'm not guarenteed first shift or full time. I don't know what I'm going to do with my daughter while I'm working.
WAH called today and asked how we were doing. Said he missed me and was crying last night because he missed our daughter so much. He'll be by on Saturday to see her. I told him about the job and he was excited for me. Said he will help me figure something out for care for our daughter.
We'll see how Saturday goes.
Jessica
Me:29; W:37 T: 6 M: 4 D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17 H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12 H moved back in: 6/28/12 Confirmed EA: 8/12
WAH came over today (Saturday) to spend time with our daughter. It was so weird. He picked up food and picked up dog food and medicine. He called me to ask some questions and kept asking if I was mad at him. Well duh! But I didn't say that. He was upset because when he came over she was still sleeping and when she woke up she wasn't super excited to see him. You could tell he was excited to see her. He kinda ran in to see her. Even though I'm mad about the situation it was sweet. She was very grumpy and wanted to be with me. She warmed up after dinner though. I went out for a little bit so they could spend time together.
I don't know how to act around him. Of course, I don't want to act desperate but how do I act? I dressed nice, with makeup and perfume and he noticed.
Help!
Jessica
Me:29; W:37 T: 6 M: 4 D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17 H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12 H moved back in: 6/28/12 Confirmed EA: 8/12
WAH came over again today to spend time with our daughter for father's day. It was weird again! I made a mistake and was a little too emotional and brought up the relationship and how he was leaving me. What to do?
He has been extremely nice and apologizing all of the time. He said he'll be back over tomorrow before work if he gets up in time and he's coming over on Tuesday to stay with our daughter for a couple hours because I have orientation for my new job.
I need advice on how to navigate this situation and not make it any worse!
Jessica
Me:29; W:37 T: 6 M: 4 D: 2; SD: 14; SS: 17 H filed D: 6/13/12; H moved out: 6/14/12 H moved back in: 6/28/12 Confirmed EA: 8/12
