I'm back, on my own.

[job]

Keep in mind that while in mlc, they tend to be the exact opposite of who they were prior to mlc. Also, even though he is their father, he may be "mentally" at their respective ages right now. The "Disney" parent always likes to do fun things that require to real responsibility because everything they do is fun. The problem with this is that when they return to you, you are the one that has to discipline and deal w/the fallout of no discipline while visiting the mlcer.

Listen, there is no need for apologies...we all have been there and understand. This is the safest place to come and vent, so feel comfortable in venting. We all understand.

[canadianMrs.]

Wow! I must be doing well detaching and GAL. It was 1pm before I realized today is my anniversary. The only reason I did realize is because I remembered tomorrow is June 1st and sat down to do bills....then todays date sank in. I'm doing fine with it though. Last week I was worried how I would feel. Last year was our 1st one apart and H showed up to take me out for lunch. That was when he was doing the dr. Jekil Mr. Hyde routine. He's away for work (supposidly) so its a relief to know I won't see him,. I did get a text from him at 7:30am today responding to a text I sent him yesterday clarifiying the week his is taking the kids over the holidays. Usually he responds quick but this time it was the next day. Maybe he is getting better at detaching too.
Anyway, now that I do remember I'm off to treat myself to a manicure and a pedicure.

[canadianMrs.]

My weekend with no kids. I always keep busy and enjoyed myself, except last night I had to talk to H about our d10 b-day. He has missed her b-day 2 years in a row. This year my daughter told him she was worried he would miss her b-day again, he told her not to, he would not miss this one. Last night he tells me that that since he booked his fishing trip when he should have been going away for work, work reschduled it to the week of d's b-day. (This has been the scenario the other 2 times). I suggested that he reschedule his fishing trip so not to miss the b-day. Of course that was ignored. My poor d. Her and I are very close and she is just getting to feel like she can talk to H, but obviously he doesn't listen to her feelings either. I did tell him that it is up to him to tell her; thats not my job.

[~ kd ~]

I want to punch your H in the head.

My D9 turns 10 this year. From what I've read, these are the formative years where daughter and father make their important bonds in regards to how girls relate to men in their future.

He's blaming it on work? Yeah, idiot. He's putting his fishing trip over his daughter.

You are right, this is not for you to tell your D nor for you to fix. Just be there for your D9. That's all you can do.

[canadianMrs.]

Most of the time I'm very comfortable with where I am at; very little contact with H. This is still new for us, just since April when I'd had enough of the lies/disrespect.
I read other posts where members are trying to have a civil relationship with their W/, even doing things toghether as a family or just the 2 of them. I do miss that sometimes, at least for my kids. When H and I were doing those things, life was easier for them. It helped with the transition. How do you do this and not have it be cake eating? I feel my H is prone to that. I don't trust him at all right now, and feel uncomfortable around him, so I can't see me going back to spending time with him any time soon. I guess I'm wondering how people here do this, when do they feel they are in a place to do so, and when to just draw the line and stay detached.

[canadianMrs.]

Today was hard. A good friends mom passed away on the weekend. Today was visitation, tomorrow funeral. My friends H is my H's best friend. This is where it got rough. H hasn't seen many of our common friends since we separated, for one he's been avoiding them and secondly he lives in another town. However tonight, it was like a reunion and watching him try to reconnect with all our friends like nothing was wrong was hurtful. I didn't stay long. It also hurt to see many of these people who have been supportive of me, also act like everything was fine with H. H and some of them went out for a drink tonight. I know funeral homes are emotional and everyone is on their best behavior, but it still stung.

Before all this happened I talked to MIL. Usually she drives me crazy and thinks H is perfect. She did say she hopes H and I get back together, and when you see us together you can tell he still has feelings for me. I told her I thought too much had happened to hope for that. She went on to say that she thinks that H needs to grow up, and that its not that he doesn't love me anymore but what I represent; responsibility. It was nice to hear that she wasn't totally brainwashed.

The third part of this, before H went to meet old friends for a drink, he came back to my house to see the kids. Of course he was late and they were almost in bed. I let him in the house to see them. Something I haven't done in months. The kids were thrilled. When he was leaving I did apologize for looking at his phone back in April (how I discovered still multiple OW). He said he wasn't looking for an apology, but I said it might be more for me to have closure on all of this. I never wanted to be that person, and I feel sick that I acted like that. He accepted my apology, thanked me for letting him in and left. No apology from him for anything he's done, not that I really thought I get one.

I could say tomorrows a new day, but it's the funeral and then H is sticking around for our kids soccer games. I'm expecting more of the same.
While I have to face tomorrow, I think this all reinforced I need to stay detached from H. He actually said to me to tonight as he left "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow" What does that mean. Of course he'll see me, but he hasn't decided if he'll interact with me?
I think the interaction on old friends put him on another ego trip. Yay.

[canadianMrs.]

Today was a new and better day! I went to yoga this morning (part of my GAL) and boy does it help. I put on the mind set, I will not feel defeated. I then came home and made sure I looked my best. (I got a whistle from my neighbour), and went to the funeral with a good friend. It was not the same "reunion" atmosphere as yesterday. MY IL's sat with me, along with girl friends. H sat with us, but he was diffently the fish out of water.

Most people went home after the service, as I did. I went home where my mom and kids were. Moments after I left, I get a txt from H asking if he can come get the kids. I responded no, that they were eating dinner with my mom and I. I was annoyed. First of all, he just saw me and could have asked me in person. Secondly, he had no intention of spending time with the kids until he had no better offer after the service. The old me would feel bad and invite him over. The detached me will not. Natural consequences? Funny, this is something I usually think in reference to my children.

[canadianMrs.]

Kaffe, instead of your punch my D is refusing to go with her dad this weekend. I don't think he gets the connection. Hey, he buys her candy when he sees her, why should missing another birthday be a big deal? I know he's upset about it and is trying to negotiate with her. Last night after talking to him, D comes to me and says "He's trying to give me a rip off plan; It doesn't even make sense". In her defenses it would make more sense for her to be with me Friday- Saturday since most of it will revolves around dance rehersals and recitals. I have to do her hair & make up and we live 5 minutes from it. She suggested at least going with him Sat night- when they would come Sunday. Sadly the 11 year old is more logical these days.

[~ kd ~]

My D14 is different. She avoids both of us for the most part. Although there is a relationship between D14 and my W that extends longer than I've known the two. So some of D14's behaviour would be loyalty to her mom over me.

In that regard, I do what I can to let her know I'm available and she is welcome to be with me, but I will not be a sugar daddy to her, which she "tried" at the beginning.

D9 OTOH basically wants to do everything with me. From ice fishing and building snow forts, to quading, to going to the gym... what ever I am doing, she wants to do... I like to believe it's because when we are together, I make it a huge point of being connected and "with" her...

Your H may loose that... it sure sounds like it... Now I WOULD do the prince thing with D9... but thankfully I don't have to. The only thing is, I'm being very clear with my W that my W DOES NOT book things for D9 that interfere with my time with her...

I'm sure D9 is wanting to go to dance because it was offered as an option for her. I would not book scuba lessons for D9 that interfered with D9's time with her mom, for example. And my W does not book "play dates" for D9 when it is my time. All requests for my time must run through me.

Anyhow, a bit of a tangent. Just saying that for next season, you might want D9 to talk to her dad about activities she wants to do, when it is her time with him.

But I still want to punch your H in the head...

[canadianMrs.]

Kaffe, you made me laugh at the punch comment.

Dance usually does take place Thurs. nights (my time). It been going since September. Its just because its the end of the year recital that we have it this weekend as well, then its over. H signed our boys up for hockey when he doesn't even live here, so I guess you could say that falls on my time 90% of the time. They love it, so I don't mind. I ended up making lots if new friends, some are coming over tomorrow for a bbq. I don't think H saw me taking to the hockey mom role as well as I did. He wasn't honest about the time commitment for sure! Sometimes I wonder if he did it to control my time, aside from wanting his boys in hockey.

I was a pretty good teenager, but part of your relationship withD14 could be more about the age. I ignored my parents for the most part, but would choose my mom when need be, even though through my childhood I was closer to my dad.

Kids and their activities, a full time job. On a side note I've always tried to encourage a better relationship between H &D. Even when were still together. I know how important it is. D comes from a house of boys, and sadly I don't think he gets it. Bravo to you for getting it, both you D's will be better off for it. Plus your D14 won't be a teen forever, she'll see what she has in you.