It means he doesn't know WTF he's doing. There's no rhyme or reason why they say that. I bet if you took a poll on here, close to 100% of us on here have heard the WAS say exactly the same way.
It's like this. He's dug himself into a deep hole and all he can see are the sides of the hole with no way out. But if he were to actually look up (get help, get educated about M like us) he'll be able to see that those feelings can and will come back. But unless he chooses to look up, he will always see no way out.
That's why second M don't usually last. Because they can change their partner, but if they themselves don't change, they're going to end up in the exact same spot.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Maybe. Look, I understand that you're looking for guarantees and absolutes. Problem is that there aren't any. You rely on faith and the strength within yourself.
Look up the Stockdale Paradox. It explains how you come up with a plan without a timeline and just let things go. I would suggest that you go dim so that the communication is not completely gone an do little actions that he used to enjoy. Keep things light and fun.
Both you and he need to get your mind off the R and remember that it comes down to the two of you enjoying each other. That's what makes a M last.
Right now you're choosing to climb into the hole with him and can't see a way out. You choose to climb out and let him stay in there himself. When he looks up, he'll see you there.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks, MrBond. I'm sorry for being so demanding in my threads. I'm just so lost and confused, but so is everyone else right now. Thanks a lot for your responses.
SD, my H & I had our one and only MC session 3 days ago. He said he feels and acts in ways a married man shouldn't feel/act. So he doesn't want to feel like he's married!
I really appreciate your detail and honesty in your posts.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I'll look at Stockdale Paradox tonight after the boys go to bed.
For me, MC was good. Not that it resolved anything. It was just great to hear H talk for 45 minutes about me! Lol! And him too, of course!
I wrote down the things later that he listed as him being unhappy with our M. There we're seven main areas. I also listed the two things he really liked (I honestly think he wasn't trying to be mean, there are more than two things, but that isn't why we were there).
I really looked at those seven areas in light of the advice I've been reading on this forum.
So, in that respect, it really helped me a lot. I can see where I need to grow if I expect him to think life is better with me than by himself or with someone else.
I was disappointed, of course, that the three of us (H, C, and me) saw no point in H coming back until he is ready to work on the M. It's just the truth. But I'm going to continue now to see her as an IC because I need to work on me! And H encouraged that. He's been wanting me to do that for years!
So, it didn't resolve any marriage difficulties, but it helps me see the next steps I need to take. Does that make any sense? Or help you at all?
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
It makes sense. Maybe my MC wasn't particularly good, then. It sounds like you did get something from going. Maybe your husband will think about what was said and will have a change of heart?
Nothing really came out of it when we went, though. Other than the fact that my husband doesn't want to work on any issues with me. He said I was kind, intelligent, and a good person. He said I used to make him feel wonderful and special. He used to just look at me and feel better about himself. I don't know how I did that, and he couldn't verbalize it, either. I know what my problems were already, I guess.
My MC asked if we wanted to come back. My husband had already told me that he would be willing to try it for a month, but told me yesterday that he wanted to think about it before he made a commitment. So I said that was fine. I wasn't going to pressure him or make him feel bad for potentially changing his mind.
I'm really happy that you got something out of it. I don't know where to go from here, and I don't think the MC really gave either of us any direction.
I don't think one session is long enough for someone to give you direction when there are so many issues. IMO. They have to just first figure out what is going on.
I don't know how good our MC is. She seemed good at validating and asking questions. She asked what a typical day was like for each of us. H has moved out 2 1/2 months ago. She asked if life was what he imagined it to be. She asked if he missed his family. And she asked what his ideal life would look like.
She didn't give us any "homework" like I'd hoped she would. She also ended the session by saying we would resolve everything whether it be reconciliation or divorce! That put me to tears. She said it so matter-of-factly!
My H said twice in the past four months he would go with me but backed out each time. I was so glad he went with me once, I wanted to make the most of it.
I think you are right, don't pressure H to go again. Are you seeing an IC?
I think you and I have H's who appreciate who we are but have just lost the spark. You should read what MrBond wrote on my thread yesterday. I was feeling so discouraged.
I think my H sees me as either a mother to be respected or a daughter to be taken care of. He doesn't see me as a hot & sexy girlfriend.
I had lost some faith in DB techniques but think I was still pursuing H in a big way. I saw some baby steps last night when I applied DB properly.
Just hang in there, SD. Keep reading. Keep posting. Other people have great advice. I just have sympathy. And lots and lots of it!!!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Hey reachinghigher. I'm sorry that you're going through this as well.
I don't know how to proceed with the marriage counselor. He's on vacation anyways so I have two weeks to see how DB works and then I'll figure it out.
I actually went straight from work to a male friends house after work. I met two of his friends and it was a lovely evening. He lives ten minutes away from my work whereas I live 45 minutes away from my work, so I slept here (completely platonically).
My husband texted me last night to say that he was not going to be home because he sold the Wii to one of his friends (he's already getting rid of our stuff). I didn't answer him. I didn't feel the need.
This morning, he sent me a text asking that I please text him to let him know I'm ok. He had no idea where I'd be today and since he doesn't want to be my husband, I'm not obligated to tell him.
What should I reply, though? Just a simple "I'm ok?" Do I ask him if he is ok? Do I tell him that I stayed at a friend's place? I feel like he is going to be angry/resentful that I didn't tell him to begin with, but honestly, why would I? How should I proceed??!
